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After speaking to reception, I wait while Rae is shown to the cubicle where Marnie is. Going outside, I put in a call to the hospice.
An hour later when Rae comes out, she looks pale, frightened. ‘She passed out.’
‘Do they know about her cancer?’
‘They do now.’ Rae’s eyes glisten. ‘She’s in a lot of pain.’
‘I’ve spoken to the hospice. And I’ll speak to the doctors. Once she’s stable, hopefully we can move her.’
Rae’s frowning. ‘She kept talking about Forrest. How great he’d been.’
‘That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Yes…’ She looks puzzled. ‘But I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t there.’
32
MARNIE
The medication I’m given takes the edge off my pain, leaves me drowsy. Apart from when Rae is there, Forrest stays with me. In my lucid moments, I finally get what he’s been saying. That this is no ordinary love between us. It’s other worldly. It’s as though he feels it too, just as he feels my pain. But from the start, it’s been as though our minds are synched.
It’s the middle of the night by the time I’m admitted to a ward. Forrest stays, holding my hand, my fears unspoken; both of us acutely aware that I might not come through this.
If only I wasn’t ill. If this could have been the lifetime where we finally get it together. If we had more time…But we could have a hundred years together and it wouldn’t be enough. Out of nowhere, another more comforting thought comes to me. I turn to Forrest, gazing into his eyes. ‘If you’re right, if we really do live multiple lives, when this one’s over, isn’t it just as likely there’ll be more?’
On a strict regime of medication, my symptoms lessen. But there’s no sign of me being discharged. After another scan, I’m told I’m one of the unlucky ones. The resected tumour is growing, fast. On top of that, it’s spreading.
When Rae comes to visit, Jack comes with her. ‘Hey.’ Leaning over, she kisses my cheek. ‘You look better today.’
‘Thanks.’ But how I look is the least of my concerns. It’s what’s going on underneath that scares the hell out of me. I glance at Jack. ‘Thanks for coming.’
‘You gave us all a scare.’ There’s something warm, unflappable, reassuring about him, as I get a sense of how good he must be at his job. ‘I’ll leave you two to it for a bit.’
‘Actually…’ I hesitate. ‘Would you mind staying?’
As Rae starts talking about everything and nothing, Jack puts a hand on one of her shoulders. ‘Rae?’
‘I’m talking too much, aren’t I?’ Her nerves are clearly taut. ‘There’s just one thing I’ve got to tell you about. I’ve been reading – about clinical trials – especially in the States. There are all these new treatments. One of them could be the answer.’ Her eyes are wide as she turns from me to Jack. ‘Couldn’t they?’
A few months back, I told myself the same, over and over. But hearing it now, I can’t deny this instinct I have; the lifeline she’s holding out already fraying, slipping slowly from my grasp.
I take her hand. ‘There isn’t anything they can do.’ My words are slurred as I watch the shock register in her eyes. ‘I’ve known this would come.’ I just wasn’t prepared for the speed of it. Iglance at Jack. ‘Someone came to see me this morning – about admission to your hospice.’
He nods. ‘It’s probably the best place.’
‘Or you could come home,’ Rae interrupts. ‘I can close the shop and look after you. Nurses can come in.’
As Jack’s hand closes around her arm, I shake my head. ‘I know. You’re the best friend in the entire world and I love you for that.’ Knowing how blessed I am to have her in my life, I try to ignore the ache that comes from somewhere deep inside me. ‘But I want to do this my way.’
Rae’s determination to stay upbeat carries both of us through the next few days, as does her outward refusal to prepare for the worst. But I’m guessing Jack has primed her; there are tell-tale signs she’s more up to speed than she’s letting on.
‘I can pack some of your things, if it would help?’
‘Thanks. But Forrest’s already done that.’ It occurs to me for the first time I might never go home.
Once I’m stable, I’m moved to the hospice. And just like that, the next chapter begins. My room is light and airy, with glass doors that open onto a garden. Sitting in an armchair, as I gaze outside, I’m filled with a mixture of fear and relief.
Is this it?I can’t help thinking.If it all ends here, is it really so bad?The part of me that’s sad, angry, still fighting, kicks in.This isn’t right. It shouldn’t be happening to me. I should be looking forward to the rest of my life.
