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Something was in the air – but Lizzie dragged herself back to the office, still feeling at odds, staring at the clock. Since when did time pass so slowly? Her attempt to sneak away early again was scuppered by the odious Julian, whose earlier agitation had subsided into extreme good humour for some reason.
‘Ah, Lizzie, do you have a minute?’He’d appeared from his office, a benign smile on his face.
But, well-meaning, he’d summoned everyone, and to Lizzie’s intense embarrassment, had rambled on with his usual verbosity about what he affectedly referred to as ‘the blessings of marriage’ and ‘lifelong commitment’, words which sent a chill down Lizzie’s spine, before opening a bottle of champagne.
It was warm but Lizzie gulped it. For the second time that day she fought an untimely desire to run, instead smiling blindly around the office at everyone as their voices echoed in her ears.
‘I felt like that, doll!’ Jude’s red lipstick had transferred to the rim of her glass, and her teeth. Always grateful for a distraction, she was swiggingchampagne like there was no tomorrow. ‘Only not like till the day before…’
‘Like what?’ Lizzie was flummoxed.
‘Poleaxed! Shit scared… You know! It’s a big day, isn’t it, in front of all those people… But it’ll be a good one. The best. Especially the wedding night! Oh, that was worth waiting for, I can tell you.’ She winked at her.
‘You’re so lucky, Lizzie…’ Little dark-haired Sammy looked enviously at her. ‘I mean, you’re getting married… it’s just so romantic, isn’t it?’
‘Thank you. I mean, is it… I am…’ Lizzie stuttered.Lucky? Romantic?She took another gulp of champagne.
Lizzie fled sooner than she should have but that was too bad. The tube was its chock-a-block worst, and she failed to notice the man who’d edged closer and closer until he was pressed up against her, breathing noisily in her ear. And that was when she lost it, a spark of anger flaring inside as she ground the heel of her boot into his foot.How dare he…
It flashed into Lizzie’s mind how Jamie had bought them for her.You can’t beat a pair of good quality high-heeled boots…
And for once, he was right. She’d cursed those heels many times but this was her reward for every uncomfortable step. Her assailant gasped, a contorted look of pain on his face.
But the strangest mood was upon her, the most restless of thoughts in her head.Bring it on,she silently challenged the universe, her nails digging into the palms of her hands as she clenched her fists by her sides.Throw something else at me. Do your absolute worst…
She’d stood stiffly after that, enduring the beastly tube as it jolted through the darkness, staring mindlessly at a pair of arms further down the carriage. They were encased in a rather damp coat. Nice though, Lizzie noticed –navy, wool by the looks of it, expensively cut, she thought, desperately trying to distract herself.
Unintentionally, her eyes wandered upwards, scrutinising purely objectively, of course, blue, smiling eyes with the skin slightly crinkled at the edges, and fairish windswept hair that would have looked more in place on a beach.Brad Pitt’s hair mixed with Jude Law’s eyes, she vaguely registered, before he smiled and winked at her then got off at the next stop.
How could she have… Lizzie’s face flushed with shame as more sardines prised themselves in beside her. First she’d assaulted someone, then been caught red-handed ogling another.A wild, alien energy coursed through her veins as yet again she fought the urge to run anywhere, just toescape –from the heaving carriages, the mundanity and pointlessness of all of it.
Only with her front door closed behind her, soaking in a steaming hot bath, did Lizzie start to feel more like herself. But even submerged in the bubbles, she still couldn’t fathom her thoughts. It niggled at her that her wedding felt such a chore. Tired or not, shouldn’t it be the biggest day of her life, looking forward to the future that lay in front of them? For the first time she contemplated the enormity of what she was committing to… and that’s when something shifted. Barely perceptibly at first. But it was that question, the one that she couldn’t quite bring herself to answer. Was Jamie really the man she wanted to share her life with? It floated in the air, unanswered.
And even afterwards, in the huge, shapeless jumper she loved and which normally made her feel so much better and with the large glass of wine she’d promised herself, she was restless. She drifted through to the sitting room, but it wasn’t a room to relax in. Like everything in this house, it was a ‘but’. She ended up just standing there, uncomfortably, registering unhappily that her so-called ‘home’ was just imposing elevations stuck in a snobby postcode. She defied anyone to slump into the hideous beige sofas, or look around the stark white interior and feel snug and safe and comforted.
God… she missed Isobel. More than ever, with her wedding looming. Lizzie felt a tightness in her chest as a tear rolled down her cheek, but it was no good, was it – wishing for what couldn’t be. But then she couldn’t help herself and she shook with silent sobs.
Going to the bedroom, she pulled a chair over to the vast wardrobe, and climbing up, reached for the topmost shelf where pushed out of sight was a wooden box. Modest looking, its contents were priceless – at least to Lizzie – of photos, letters, precious bits of her life.
It was almost exactly a year since the last time, when she’d tucked away a few treasured items. Dragging it out now, Lizzie sat on the floor. Whether déjà-vu or just plain nerves, her hands were trembling as she opened it, finding her mother’s old jewellery box and underneath it, a notebook, a journal her mother had kept until her illness prevented her from writing. It had been far too painful to read at the time and Lizzie had left it – out of sight, out of mind.
A whole year.How can that be?
Lizzie studied the notebook, taking in the daisies on the front – her mother had loved them. Then starting to turn the pages, before she got any further an envelope slipped out and landed in her lap. Picking it up, she turned it over.
And that was when she forgot all about the events of today. It didn’t occur to her that if Jamie hadn’t gone to his conference, she wouldn’t even be sitting here like this. Nor that the events of the entire day had in some obscure way been tipping her off balance. All that mattered at that precise moment was the letter and with shaky hands she opened it.
