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‘It’s not your fault I got involved with Alice,’ Max tells her.
‘You don’t understand.’ Her voice is quieter now, and I turn up the volume on Poppy’s camera to make sure I can hear.
‘What are you talking about?’ Max says. ‘How is this your fault?’
‘Alice knew you were helping me.’
My throat constricts, as if someone has tied a noose around my neck. Confusion and fear mingle inside me. What the hell is this?
‘You were just trying to help me.’ Sarah’s voice is quieter, as if she’s struggling to get her words out. ‘It’s all because of me. Alice would have gone to the hospital and told them what I’d been doing.’
Their voices stop, and all I can hear is the shrieks of children in the playground. What if that’s it and the video stops without me knowing what Sarah’s talking about? This fear is greater now than any other.
‘What?’ Max says, finally. ‘What are you saying, Sarah? Tell me!’
‘Alice knew, Max. She knew what I was doing.’ There’s silence. Heavy and loaded. ‘I saw you together. I followed you to her place so I knew where she lived. And then I went back another time and confronted her about the affair. I couldn’t bear to think of what you were doing to Hannah.’
‘I know. She told me.’
‘She was obsessed with you, Max. She wasn’t going to let you go easily. It didn’t matter if you finished with her. That wouldn’t have been the end of it. And I knew if Hannah found out, then she’d never stay with you. I couldn’t bear the thought of Poppy ending up like Ivy. Having to live without her father being right there. It killed me to think that I was lying to my closest friend. Hannah’s family to me – you know that.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘When I confronted Alice, and told her to end it with you, she told me she knew all about what I was doing. She’d heard us talking on the phone that time. When you were telling me to stop what I was doing. She knew everything.’
There’s silence, and I try to picture Max, imagine what he was doing when Sarah said this.
‘She said she was going to the police,’ Sarah continues. ‘I…I wasn’t expecting that. I only went to her to tell her to end it with you.’
My head pounds, and it feels as though my skull is being crushed. Seconds of silence tick by.
‘Alice knew all about the drugs I was stealing from the hospital to sell.’ Sarah says. ‘Don’t act surprised, Max. She told me you’d talked about it. You should have told me she knew. It’s okay, though, I know you defended me.’ There’s another pause. ‘It felt awful to be confronted like that,’ Sarah continues.
‘You were desperate,’ Max says. ‘That’s why I gave you that ten grand. So you wouldn’t have to do that any more.’
‘Ididstop doing it. And I’ve been working every shift I can manage so that I can provide for Ivy. But it was too late because Alice knew. And she told me she couldn’t let it go.’ There’s a pause. ‘If Alice had gone to the police, my life would have been over. I’d have lost my job. My home. Ivy too.’
In all the years I’ve known Sarah, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her cry. She’s always soldiered on, putting on a brave face, refusing to acknowledge that she was struggling financially. I knew that stoicism wasn’t good for her.
And now, she erupts into loud guttural sobs, and I can picture the anguish on her face. I’m angry with her – furious – but how can I be when she was only trying to protect me? And lying about Max’s affair was to protect Poppy. I don’t agree with it, but I too lied about huge things that were happening.
But what Max says next chills me to the bone.
‘Did you go and see Alice? The night she died?’
Sarah doesn’t reply straight away, and her silence speaks volumes.
‘I…I just wanted to talk to her. To reason with her, and try and make her stop. To leave you and Hannah alone. To leave all of us alone.’
‘What did you do?’ Max says. ‘What the fuck did you do?’
Sarah’s sobs drown out the noise from the playground, and I can barely hear her next words. But somehow, it’s as if she’s shouting them.
‘I didn’t mean to kill her.’
TWENTY-NINE
There are tears in my eyes as I walk across the lawn. The short distance feels like miles, and my legs feel weighted down, as if they’re trying to stop me getting to Max. I look up at the star-spangled black sky, and pray that somehow I’ve got this wrong.
