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“Nobody’s perfect.” Soren tries to offer an understanding grin that feels more sympathetic than anything. Like he feels sorry for me. I’ve never been a fan of pity.
“And hey,” Harlow offers. “Look at the example I had of motherhood. I know my mom does her best, and sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me from strangling her. I don’t have the first idea how to raise a baby or be a good mom or any of that. I doubt anybody does the first time around. It’s the sort of thing you have to learn on the job.”
“You’ll be great at it.” Now Soren rubs her shoulder while I continue tracing circles on her back with the palm of my hand. “Just like you’re great at everything.”
“I don’t know about that.” She rests her head on my shoulder and sighs, and I feel the fatigue in that sigh. It’s like it comes from all the way down in her toes. I guess pregnancy can make people tired, but I get the feeling it has more to do with the whole situation. At least now she knows she’s safe – I hate to think that she ever questioned whether or not she was, but this is reality. And I’m sure there are plenty of relationships that started out just great until something like this came along and upset everything.
“So long as you guys don’t hate me for this.”
“How could you even say that?” Ash manages somehow to sound angry. I know that’s not what he’s going for, but anybody who didn’t know him would probably think he was pretty pissed, sounding like he does.
“I told you that you had nothing to worry about, and I was wrong. I promise, I really did take my pill every day.”
“Things happen.” I would tell her about all the kids out there who grew up the way I did, all the evidence of how birth control isn’t always foolproof. I’m sure she doesn’t need to hear about that now, so I’ll keep it to myself. “And hey, it’s not like none of us played a part in it. It’s not like you, like, stole our seed or whatever you wanna call it.”
“Seriously.” Soren squeezes her shoulder. “Nobody is blaming this on you. If we didn’t trust you, we wouldn’t be with you. And that’s the truth.”
“Agreed,” Ash adds with a firm nod.
Harlow lifts her head from my shoulder and places it on Soren’s, instead. “Thank you. I’m sorry I blurted it out like I did, but I guess that’s how this needed to go. I needed to get the courage to tell you. I’m so glad you know.”
So am I. I’m glad she told me before I left.
Even if it means taking a situation that already sucked and making it suck so much worse.
31
ASH
Iswear. Sometimes, it’s like we’re living in two different worlds.
Where they are, all happy and supportive and loving, and whatever. And sure, I want to be supportive. I want to make sure she knows I love her and that’s not going to change because of this.
But this is real life. This isn’t some fairytale where we will all live happily ever after just because that’s how we feel it should be. Life doesn’t work that way. Hell, I would think Ryder, of all people, would agree with me on that. But there he is, and there’s Soren, and neither of them are thinking about the future. Not really.
“No offense.” I wait until the three of them look at me. “But maybe we need to talk seriously about what happens next. What all of this means.”
“Do we really need to talk about the whole future right now? Isn’t there enough going on?”
All I can do is scoff at Ryder’s question. “There’s always going to be shit going on. That’s life. Things aren’t going to just stop happening because we want them to. And I’m sorry, but I think we need to talk about the real logistics of this.”
How can they sit there and look at me like I’m talking out of my ass? Am I not speaking English? “I’m sorry to burst your bubble,” I mutter, “but this is a big deal, and we need to treat it that way.”
This is coming out all wrong. With every word I only sound angrier. I don’t want her to think I’m angry. I don’t want to hurt her.
The way her forehead wrinkles and her mouth turns down at the corners tells me I’m fucking it all up, no matter what my intentions are. “You’re right. We need to take this seriously. You are not telling me anything I don’t already know.”
“You really don’t need to rub it in our faces, man.” Soren looks disappointed. Like he’s scolding a kid. Practicing for fatherhood already? I’m not sure how to feel about that.
“But I mean, can we look at this logically? Can we do that without anybody biting my head off?”
“What do you mean?” The guys still look pissed, but Harlow is reasonable. “What are you thinking? Talk to me. I want to hear it.”
The thing is, now I don’t want to say it out loud. Not with the three of them staring at me like they are. “Well, for one thing, we’re all talking about how we feel about kids like we’re all going to be the parents.”
“And?” Now I’m starting to think Soren is deliberately trying to get under my skin. No way is he genuinely looking at me with so much confusion.
“And… not all of us are parents. I mean, do I have to say it? Only one of the three of us can be the father.”
