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“I’m still not sure what I want to do.” Her hands are in her lap, her fingers fluttering while she fidgets and picks at her nails. She stares down at them and presses her lips together tightly before murmuring, “But I’m leaning toward keeping it. Would that be alright with all of you?”
30
RYDER
She keeps hitting me. Not with her fists, but with her words. She’s rocking my world, shaking me up like a snow globe. Right now, the snow is swirling too thick and too fast for me to see anything clearly.
A baby. She’s going to have a baby. And she wants to keep it.
“What do you think?” she asks when one moment passes after another and nobody has said anything yet. I can tell she takes the question seriously. She knows how heavy all of this is and how impossible it feels to make any sense of it.
“About this, or about kids in general?” Ash asks. He even has the nerve to roll his eyes at me when I give him a dirty look, but really. Maybe now isn’t the time to be a smart ass.
“Well, now that you mention it.” She folds her hands and looks up at him. “How do you feel about kids? It’s not like we’ve ever talked about it. We never had a reason to.”
“Kids in general, I’m fine with.”
Something close to pain crosses her face, and I swear I could strangle him. I would, too, if I didn’t know he was just as lost in all of this as I am. When you’re this lost, you don’t always take the time to ask yourself if you’re using the right words.
He finally figures out he’s made a mistake when Soren and I glare at him. “I’m just saying.” He runs a hand through his hair and shrugs. “I don’t mind kids. Would it be better if I said I hate them? Some people do. Some people decide they never want to have kids, and that’s it. I’m not one of those people.”
“That’s good to hear.” She lets out a shaky little laugh before nudging Soren, who chooses the exact wrong moment to drop his arm from around her shoulders. She flinches, and it makes me flinch. I swear, the things I would say if she weren’t here right now. They both need to know how stupid and awkward they’re being. And I’m supposed to leave her alone with them for months? Like I need one more thing to worry about.
“I guess I like kids.” He shrugs and shoots me a frantic sort of look over the top of her head. “This is the first time I ever really thought about them this way. They’ve always been somebody else’s kids. Somebody else’s problem.”
It’s a relief when Harlow snickers at that. “I know. Believe me, none of you are saying anything I haven’t already thought. You don’t have to feel bad for feeling the way you do. I’m not expecting you to, like, shed happy tears or something. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings, either.”
She offers a hopeful smile as she looks around the room. “I know you would never deliberately hurt my feelings.”
“I hate thinking about you going through this alone, even for a few days.” I move a little closer, then put an arm around her.She must’ve been so scared. When I try to put myself in her shoes, it seems too much to comprehend. She would already be going through it with a surprise pregnancy – I know she has plans, goals, all of that.
But this isn’t exactly a typical sort of situation. It’s so much more complex for her. For all of us, I guess.
What I want more than anything is to give her a little comfort, so she knows she’s not alone in this. This is the last night we’ll be spending together until the end of the season, so I want to do all I can. Anything, so long as she knows she’s not losing me. I’m not going anywhere.
It’s like she feels what I’m thinking as she turns my way, wearing a wry grin. “What about you? Do you like kids? Did you ever plan on being a parent one day?”
“I haven’t planned what I’m going to eat for breakfast tomorrow.”
It’s good to hear her laugh, and it’s good to see the relief that spreads itself across her face. The air in the room doesn’t feel so thick anymore, either. “Why am I not surprised?”
“Please.” Ash chuckles as he jerks his chin in my direction. “This guy? No offense, but he barely gets along with the rest of the team. I shudder to think about how a kid would get on his nerves.”
“You get on my nerves, and I haven’t killed you yet.” I don’t really appreciate it, but I understand he’s only trying to joke around so Harlow feels better. That’s what matters more than anything right now. That she not feel bad about this, that she not be afraid. I don’t know a lot about babies or pregnancy or anything like that, but I know it’s better if the mother isn’t superstressed. So I’ll take his sarcasm and let it roll off my back for her sake.
“And to tell you the truth,” I continue as my hand starts moving in circles over her back, “I like kids. I really do. I don’t love people – like adults. They generally get on my nerves and can really suck. Especially when they act like sarcastic douchebags.”
“Do you think he’s talking about me?” Ash asks Soren, who snorts.
“But kids are great. I’ve lived with kids of all different ages. Some families had little ones, kids who were younger than me, and they were a lot of fun. They are so honest. Sometimes, they come out with things that are so wise it’s scary. I’ve always liked spending time with kids.”
“You’re still a big kid, yourself.”
I can only shrug at Harlow’s comment. “Yeah. I guess I am.” Then my rubbing slows down when a pretty important fact comes to mind. “I don’t know how to be a dad. Not a good one. I never really had an example. There were a couple of decent guys, but I was never around them long enough to learn anything. Always getting moved to the next home for one reason or another.”
“That doesn’t have to mean anything.” She squeezes my knee and narrows her eyes, looking straight at me. “I need you to believe that. Not just now, but for the rest of your life. I know you would do your best. You would always try to do the right thing.”
I shouldn’t laugh, but something close to it comes out of me before I can stop myself. “Yeah, just like I was trying to do the right thing by asking for a trade out of Palm Springs.”
