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"I spent the next ten years searching for the impossible, searching for the perfect sub, one who satisfied my personal prerequisites for control, searching for what I had found with you." Joel's voice became a strangled gasp, and Desi felt her shoulders heave in a silent sob and mustered all the control he had instilled in her for stillness and silence to prevent it from escaping.
"And then, when I saw you again," his voice came out in an agonised whisper, "I realised I had never been looking for control, I had just been looking for you. I'd been kidding myself all that time and I was so disgusted with myself that all I could concentrate on was banishing you from my mind, wiping you out of my consciousness, purging you from my life and destroying the hold you had over me."
Joel's words rained down on her like needle sharp shards of pain and devastation. Desi slid to the floor at the anguish his declarations poured on her battered heart. She would give him this retribution, if this was what he needed, but she could no longer keep the agony he inflicted on her at bay. She could no longer keep the sobs that wracked her body silent. If his own solace was in witnessing her suffering, then he had it.
Desi wrapped her arms around her knees, where she now sat on the cold, hard floor and held on for dear life, praying that she could at least stay upright and not further humiliate herself by curling into a fetal ball on her side. She rested her forehead on her knees and did her best to muffle the weeping that overwhelmed her being.
When Joel spoke again, his voice was close. She felt his strong arms wrap around her shuddering body, his own tremulous breath fluttering across her ear. "But I couldn't do it," he grated hoarsely. "Nothing worked, because no matter what I did, I just couldn't stop myself from loving you."
A long, plaintive moan was wrenched from Desi's soul, but Joel's next words echoed through her consciousness as loud as thunder, even though they were uttered in a mere whisper. "I still love you," he breathed, and the words were like a balm on her injured spirit. She tipped her head to rest on his and rotated her hands to clutch at his forearm.
"But if Jake is what you want, then I'll walk away. I already owe him more than I can ever repay and more than anything in the world. I just want you to be happy…" Joel's voice dropped to no more than a sigh. "And if it's Jake that makes you happy, then so be it."
Desi turned in Joel's embrace, raised herself to her knees, and threw her arms around his neck as her sobs gave way to ragged, hiccupping breaths.
Joel caught her to him, hugging her close and squeezing tight as if he'd never dare let her go. He cradled her head possessively against his chest. "But I don't want to let you go, Desi. I want to stay with you forever," he gritted out. "I want to marry you, have children with you, collar you, grow old with you. I want to be there for you every day for the rest of your life.
The image of Anita rose unwanted in Desi's mind. "I think that might be classed as bigamy, Joel," she sniffled.
Joel groaned at his oversight. "Anita's gone," he assured her. "Dad's probably personally manhandling her onto a plane as we speak. He was so angry when he heard what she did to Jake."
"Good!" Desi spat vehemently. "Jake doesn't deserve to have that crap in his life." But as the implication of his words sank in, she stiffened. "Is that why you're here, because your father ran off your fiancée?"
Joel sucked in a shocked gasp, and leaning away, he speared his fingers in her hair, demanding that she look at him. "I'm here because I love you," he pronounced boldly, his eyes shooting a fire of determination. But in the next second, his features and his voice both softened. "Don't ever doubt that, sweetheart. It might have taken me too long to say it, and I might regret, for the rest of my years, that I never told you before today, but if you let me, I plan on making that up to you by telling you every day for the rest of our lives. So, what's it to be, my darling. Will you marry me? Will you give me that right?"
Desi soaked up the sight of him, stunned by the depth of emotion in his eyes. For long moments, she could do nothing but drink in the sight of this beautiful man, with his glossy black hair and his startling blue eyes. Eyes that looked at her like they never had before—with love and adoration and desire.
"Yes," she finally whispered and watched a little longer as Joel bent his head to hers, watching her back as their lips touched in the sweetest, gentlest, most poignant kiss they had ever shared.
Chapter Thirty
Jake sat in the hotel bar and sipped at his second whisky. He wanted to toss it back like he had the first, but he fiercely controlled the need. He'd spoken to Desi briefly. She had wanted to come over and talk to him face to face, but he'd denied the need. He was glad she was happy. He was glad his cousin was happy. His words to Joel had been nothing, if not calculated to make Joel confront his true feelings for Desi. The plan to bait the man who was like a brother to him into taking action had worked faster than Jake could have dreamed.
So why the hell was he feeling so sorry for himself? On a logical level, Jake knew he didn't love Desi the way that she deserved, but a little, tiny part of his brain couldn't help reminding him that they'd have built a good life together, achieved a successful relationship, brought up beautiful children. Those nasty little biting teeth of loneliness started to gnaw at the edges of his awareness once again, and he took another sip of his drink, resigning himself to the bleak solitude that his future held.
For a few golden hours, Desi had chased away the despair that had started to grip him more and more often when he thought of the gaping void that lay ahead of him.
Now he was on his own…again. No woman stuck around long, once those insidious rumours started to seep into his relationships. A kernel of old anger tickled his disposition and he pushed it back with a noisy exhale.
"Now, that was a heartfelt sigh," a soft, feminine voice said from behind him.
Swinging around with the sole intent of getting rid of the woman, since he wasn't in the right frame of mind for company, Jake found himself face to face with Desi's best friend, Charlotte Chapman. He laughed humourlessly, knowing it would be rude to send her away, mindful that Desi had probably sent her to check on him.
"Mind if I join you?" she asked, and Jake wondered if it was just his imagination that her words had come out a touch breathlessly.
"Not at all," he murmured, signalling the bartender for service. He looked back at his imposed companion. She was tall and slim with long, straight hair the colour of dark chocolate, but he knew she was as vanilla as they came. There was a slight colour to her cheeks and her changeable hazel eyes betrayed her awareness of him as a man.
Jake couldn't help quirk an eyebrow at the obvious interest she showed in him and wondered if she was aware of how transparent she was. A rueful smile tugged at one corner of his mouth, hell, maybe he should just take what was on offer. He couldn't claim to be immune. He had felt the tug of attraction to this woman over a decade ago, and he'd felt it again when he'd seen her at Desi's earlier that day, as inappropriate as it had been at the time.
Way back then, he'd kept his distance, knowing that Desi and Charlotte had discussed BDSM but pretty sure she'd never handle his kink.
Right now? Well, he could think of worse things than sinking himself into a hot, willing woman. Even a vanilla one. Maybe she would help him keep the loneliness at bay for a few more hours.
The End
