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Cream the butter and sugar. Add the eggs. Sieve in the flour.
I hummed as I walked through the steps, my hands moving nimbly. This cake batter was something I could make in my sleep, but sometimes when my brain was noisy, I found it soothing to talk it through in my head.
Mix until it’s a drop-like consistency. Pour into greased tins.
My brain was rarely this noisy, but after a night out a few months ago…
Nope. We don’t think about that.
I scraped the spoon around the bowl to catch any lingering drops.
Bang the tins on the counter to expel air.
I’d just slid them into the oven when a door opened on the other side of the flat. My brain quieted further, my mood lifting at the knowledge that I was about to have company.
“Good morning,” I sang as Ferry appeared. I was already putting a cup under the espresso machine, making his preferred drink. “Sleep well?”
“Perfectly.” He gave me a charming smile that I was sure made my brother go weak in the knees, but it didn’t do anything for me.
Apparently I preferred a scowl to a smile. A face drifted into my mind—an image of the most perfect scowl I’d ever seen.
I’d only seen it once, but that had been enough to have it seared into my soul.
“You don’t have to make me coffee,” Ferry said as I handed him his cup.
“I like taking care of people,” I said simply, turning my focus to the icing. We did this little dance every morning, but it made me genuinely happy to do it.
And did I maybe do it to make sure he sat with me for a bit? If that was true, I’d never admit it.
I was sure Ferry would’ve sat with me anyway. He seemed to suspect how lonely I was when Leo was on shift. My brother was a firefighter—a career he absolutely adored—but he worked long hours, meaning I often went days without seeing him.
Which was fine. Totally normal. It wasn’t like many brothers lived together into adulthood. And it also wasn’t like he was my sole support system. I had a great relationship with my parents and a variety of different friends I could call upon if I wanted company.
But even though I tried to remind myself that I had more than most, it still wasn’t enough. The loneliness I tried so hard to keep at bay still crept in.
For a long time, I’d believed that maybe it was love I was missing. A passionate, all-consuming love. A love to write stories about.
It existed for some people. You only had to look at how Leo and Ferry were together to see that.
But that wasn’t what I was searching for. Not anymore.
No longer was I looking for fiery passion. For a love that would excite me. For a partner who would worship me.
Don’t get me wrong, I was still looking for a partner, but my criteria had shifted. Now I wanted someone safe. Someone I could come home to at the end of the night and share details about my day with. Someone who would never hurt me. They didn’t need to excite me, they just needed to be safe. Dependable. Predictable.
Until then, I’d content myself with my family and friends.
“You’re baking early again,” Ferry said as I whipped up the buttercream.
“Yep.” It wasn’t difficult to force cheer into my voice. I was used to being the sunny, happy one. It was my default state. “Woke up early and decided I fancied Victoria sponge cake.”
Okay, so maybe I omitted the fact that a nightmare had woken me, but Ferry didn’t need to know that. I’d already caught him and Leo worrying over me more often than necessary.
They didn’t need to know that night still haunted me in my sleep.
“Hmm.” Ferry eyed me over his coffee like he knew I was hiding something. “What’s on your agenda for today?”
“Lucky is picking me up later and taking me to the bookshop to see the renovations.” Lucky was one of my closest friends and I’d been at his birthday party only a week earlier. His brothers-in-law, Oscar and Cal, had had a fire in their bookshop, and by all accounts it had destroyed it. I’d popped in a few times, but I was excited to see the latest developments. “Then tonight, I’m going out with Riley and Ethan.”
