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I nearly went a whole day without messaging you, and it felt like I was being gutted.
But it didn’t hurt as much as checking my phone to see no messages from you.
I love you.
Nov 25th 10 p.m.
Riley sat me down and pointed out that texting you this much is obsessive. That if I love you, I’ll let you go and try to move on.
I’m too selfish to do that.
But maybe these messages are hurting you.
I don’t want to do that either.
27th Nov 11:30 p.m.
I did it. I managed to not text you, but it didn’t stop me thinking about you.
Where are you now? What are you doing? Are you happy?
I hope you are.
Even though I miss you, even though I’m mad at you for walking away like you did, I still want you to be happy.
30th Nov 7:03 p.m.
I sat my exams today. Pretty sure I failed them.
I can’t find it in myself to care.
3rd Dec 10:37 p.m.
Ferry and Leo decorated the flat today, ready for Christmas. They tried to get me to join in, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even make the franks in blanks that Leo loves, or the Yule log we normally eat once all the decorations are up.
No. I stayed in my room. Seeing them all loved up is great, but it just makes me think of you.
Everything makes me think of you. What I’m thinking the most now is how little I actually know about you.
Do you celebrate Christmas? If you do, do you insist on having two trees like I do? Do you have a family? I’ve asked you that before, I know. But you didn’t give me an answer.
You never answered so many of my questions.
It never mattered to me at the time as I knew I wanted you regardless. My soul and heart knew you were meant to be mine.
I still believe that, even if you don’t.
7th Dec 8:28 p.m.
My mum video called me today. I’ve been avoiding her calls because I didn’t want her to know what a mess I am. Pretty sure Leo told her though, because she didn’t stop ringing until I answered.
I ended up telling her everything. Well…not everything. But all that I could.
She told me that losing your first love is always the hardest, but that with time, I’d get over you.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’s wrong.
There won’t be any getting over you. You’ll be my first and only.
