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I sighed internally, knowing I couldn’t say no to Lucky. “Okay.”
He beamed at me in response, grabbing another book from the table. We were discussing one of my favourite series, Monstrous by Lily Mayne. I’d reread it many times and had actually been the one to suggest it for the club.
But that had been before Sebastian. Before I forgot how to care. How to enjoy things. How to function on something other than the most basic level.
“Where’s Leo?” Riley asked, rocking back in his chair. “How come he isn’t acting as your taxi driver tonight?”
It hadn’t escaped Riley’s notice that Ferry and Leo had been hovering more than usual. Fortunately, he’d assumed it was because I was struggling so much, rather than anything more sinister.
Even without a threat lurking, I suspected it’d be a long time before either of them felt comfortable with me going anywhere alone. It would’ve bothered me once. Now it was just easier to go along with it.
“On a training thing,” I said. Even to my ears, my voice sounded hollow. “Up in the Midlands somewhere.”
“When’s he back?”
I shrugged. Leo had been pretty vague on the details and I hadn’t questioned him. The old Matty would’ve. He would’ve tracked his location the entire trip, making sure Leo had arrived safely and checking in with him daily.
This Matty though? He didn’t even glance at his phone these days. It held nothing other than disappointment and rejection.
Riley hummed. “Shame the hunky pan firefighter couldn’t come along. Still dying to meet him.”
I snorted. “Don’t think this is really Danny’s scene. No one is drinking, flirting, or gaming.”
Riley clutched his chest dramatically. “Stop. Is he just me in a different font?”
“Basically. He might even be a bigger playboy than you too.”
“Don’t say it in that tone.” Riley sniffed. “Being a fuckboi as talented as me is a skill.”
“How?”
“Well first, there’s the skills in the bedroom.” He waggled his brows at me suggestively. My chest jumped, like a laugh was trying to build but failing. “But more importantly, you gotta be good at drawing the lines between fucking and feelings. Make sure everyone has a fun time, but knows going in that there won’t be anything more.”
My lungs squeezed. That wasn’t anything new. It felt like I hadn’t been able to take a full breath since the day Sebastian left. “Yeah. I’m no good at that.”
“And you shouldn’t be,” Riley said quietly, his arm going around my shoulders and hugging tight. “You’re not built like me, Matty. You need all the other stuff. The emotions. The security. The love.”
No. It was too much. I couldn’t sit here and listen to Riley describe all the things I’d never have. At least, not with the person I wanted them with.
I didn’t have anything left to give another person. Not after him.
“I have to go,” I said loudly, forcing the table into silence. “I’m really sorry, I just can’t.”
Lucky’s phone buzzed. He glanced at the screen before smiling slightly. “Okay, I’ll walk you out. Let me text Ferry to come and get you. We can get some air while we wait.”
My breath whooshed out in relief that they weren’t pushing for me to stay again. “Thanks, everyone.”
After a flurry of hugs and promises to meet soon, I followed Lucky outside. Winter was still in full swing, Spring feeling like it was forever away. I pulled my coat tighter around me, my breath hanging in the air.
“You don’t have to wait with me,” I told Lucky. “I’ll be okay.”
Lucky pulled me into a tight hug. When I pulled back, his eyes were shining. “Yeah, Matty. I think you’re going to be fine.”
I frowned as he disappeared back into the bookshop.
“Hi, sunshine.”
That voice.
