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I froze, not daring to turn around. Was I hallucinating Sebastian now? If that was the case, I was going to take Leo up on his suggestion of seeing a therapist.
Then I felt him behind me. The familiar warmth of his front pressing against my back. His long fingers wrapping around my biceps. Hot breath on my ear.
No. It wasn’t possible.
My chest hitched. “Sebastian?”
He turned me slowly, touching me the whole time. I didn’t lift my gaze, seeing nothing but his black coat as I faced him.
“Sunshine?” His fingers moved from my bicep to my chin. “Matty? Will you look at me?”
I swallowed hard. “No. I can’t.”
His chest expanded and deflated with a heavy sigh. “I can understand that. I can’t look at myself in the mirror knowing what I’ve put you through.”
I focused on one of the buttons on his coat. It was one I recognised. That made sense. If this was a figment of my imagination, I would dress him in something he’d worn before. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I can’t look at you, because this might not be real,” I whispered. “You aren’t really here. You can’t be.”
Sebastian grabbed my wrist, lifting my hand to rest over his heart. It beat steadily under my palm. “I’m here, sunshine.”
“Are you?”
He touched my chin again, and this time, I let him lift it.
My breath hitched. It was him. He was really here.
His face was paler than I’d ever seen it, his hair months past needing a cut. His eyes were sunken. A short beard covered his face, scraggly and uneven. His jeans and the shirt beneath his coat were crumpled, like they’d been at the bottom of a bag for far too long.
I’d never seen Sebastian look anything other than completely put together. It was enough to convince me that I wasn’t hallucinating.
“You look like crap.”
My eyes flew wide, my hand clapping over my mouth. “Fiddlesticks. I didn’t mean to say that. Sorry.”
Sebastian chuckled warmly, his eyes lighting up. “Sunshine, you don’t ever need to apologise to me for anything. I do look like crap. Spending three months wallowing in heartbreak will do that to a guy.”
The reminder of the chasm between us had me raising my guard. “Yeah. I know the feeling.”
His throat bobbed. “You don’t look like crap though. You look just as perfect as I remember.”
The Matty of a few months ago would’ve run into his waiting arms. Even a couple of weeks ago, I might’ve reacted differently.
But too much time had passed. I couldn’t be that man now—at least, not with Sebastian. I couldn’t open myself up only to get hurt again. I crossed my arms over my chest, like it might give my heart some desperately needed protection. “Why are you here?”
“Because I made the worst mistake of my life when I walked away. I want to be with you. Always. I’m choosing you, Matty, like I should’ve done the day you chose me.”
It might have been exactly what I wanted him to say, but suddenly it wasn’t what I needed. “It’s not as simple as that, Sebastian. You left. I offered you everything, and you left.”
“I’m not expecting you to forgive me,” Sebastian said quietly, sorrow etched in the lines of his face. “I’m not expecting anything from you, Matty. We can take this at whatever pace you want. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you again. Ever.”
I was trembling, my mind spinning as I struggled to process what he was telling me. “Let me get this straight. I told you I loved you, and you walked away. Now you’re back and I’m supposed to just believe that you’re not going to do it again? It nearly destroyed me, Seb. I can’t go through that again. I won’t.”
“You won’t have to. I did a terrible thing, Matty. I thought I was protecting you and making the right decision to make sure you were happy.”
A coldness unlike anything I’d ever felt wrapped around my heart. “Great job you did there. When are you and Leo going to realise I’m capable of making my own decisions?”
