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I was so wrong, sunshine. I don’t need reminders to think of you. I don’t need an excuse to want to check on you. You’re on my mind every second of every day. The desire to keep you safe and happy accompanies my every breath. I’m just so sorry it took this long for me to come back to you.
The words were nice, but I couldn’t escape the nagging voice reminding me that if it hadn’t been for Leo and Toby, he wouldn’t have come back to me. I knew both he and Leo said there were reasons for that, but nothing I’d read or heard so far made me feel any better about it.
Riley and Ethan are coming over to keep me company.
Everyone is treating me like I’m bereaved or something.
Makes sense though. I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. Like part of me has died.
This is a good description for how I’m feeling. I’ve known great loss in my life, Matty, but nothing compares to living without you beside me. I’m so grateful you have such an amazing support system.
I swiped away a tear, both because of what he was hinting at, and the fact that I knew that was something he didn’t have. Seb didn’t have anyone. He’d been going through the same thing as I had.
Alone.
I’m waiting for the bus to Uni. Wanna come and give me a lift instead?
Guess not.
I don’t know why, but these messages hit me so hard. It’s not even a big thing you’re asking for.
But still I let you down.
I hate that I let you down, Matty.
I was sobbing, but determined to get to the end. As much as this was killing me, it was a glimpse into Sebastian that he’d never given me before.
I wish I could sleep. Wish I could pull myself together.
I’m so pathetic.
But I miss you. So much it hurts.
Nothing about you is pathetic, sunshine. You’ve been hurt by someone you trusted and loved. You’re much stronger than me.
I don’t remember the last time I slept more than a few minutes. Sometimes I try, just to try and escape the memory of how you looked at me as I broke your heart. The agony on your face.
But it doesn’t help.
Nothing does.
I put down the letters, picking up my phone. I had to speak to him.
I’m reading your responses.
Seeing it marked as read followed by those little bubbles brought on a fresh round of tears. How many times had I opened this thread and wished for this to happen?
Seb
Good. I’m glad, sunshine. Are you okay? I don’t want them to upset you.
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and burst out laughing. My eyes were swollen and red. My face was glistening too, probably with a disgusting mix of snot and tears.
Not get upset? Who the fudge was he kidding?
It took me a second to compose a response.
It’s not easy to read, Seb. But nothing about this is easy.
