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It didn’t matter. It didn’t make what Alaska did any less wrong.
“I just know I hurt you. I know I hurt your family. I know my actions were reprehensible, and absolutely wrong.” Whether Chalmer had been married or not, she never should have slept with him. That was a huge mistake, compounded by the fact that he had lied to her, and had a wife and child, and then children, at home.
But, if Alaska had done the right thing to begin with, which was to tell Chalmer no and walk away from him before havinga physical relationship, she wouldn’t have this problem. So the responsibility had to be all on her shoulders, no matter what someone else’s part in the matter was. If she didn’t take responsibility for it, if she blamed someone else, then she couldn’t grow and become better. She became a victim, rather than someone who controlled her situation, and therefore had the ability to make it better. Being a victim sometimes felt good, but it didn’t make a person better. It couldn’t. Since it abdicated them from taking any responsibility for their actions.
Alaska wanted to be different. She wanted to be better, and somehow she knew that the first step was admitting that she had done something wrong to begin with.
“That’s really cute. Are you done?” Shanna asked, lifting her brows, and shifting all her weight to one foot, so her hip stuck out. She threw her shoulders back as well, and her eyes drifted back to Ezra. “I’m really not interested in cute little words, I want actions. So until you’re willing to share your husband, I guess we really don’t have anything to talk about.”
“I’m sorry. I really am,” Alaska said one more time. She had wanted forgiveness. To have the slate, if not wiped clean, at least erased. She thought if she apologized, Shanna would forgive her, and...maybe she had hopes that they would even become friends. That they would put this behind them, and their children, who were half siblings, could have a relationship somehow. She didn’t even know how. She hadn’t figured all of that out in her head, she just hoped... For more.
“All right. I heard you. I’m sorry,” she mimicked. “But I’m not willing to do anything about it,” she said, looking at Alaska in derision.
“I am. Just... Not that.”
“What? Don’t you think it feels good to share your husband? Do you think I wanted to?”
“I told you, I didn’t think Chalmer was married. I didn’t know. If I had realized when I met Chalmer that he had a wife, there wouldn’t have been arelationship.” She was sure about that, even though she couldn’t defend herself when she found out that Chalmer had a wife and she hadn’t left him. Not like they had been a couple or anything, he just came to her when he wanted... Something. He’d used her for a while, and she’d gone along with that too. Where they both got a cut from the men he found, and she’d been with. Looking back, it seemed so disgusting, but at the time, she’d needed the money.
“All right. Whatever. Just remember, when you’re ready to really apologize, you know what I want.” She looked at Ezra. “You’re not good enough for him anyway. Look at you. Anyone who sees the two of you together will know that you did something to entice him. And we all know where you learn those things,” she said. “Starting with my husband, but he wasn’t the only one. There were a lot of others from what I understand. You made him a good bit of money.” She wrinkled her nose at Alaska, then gave Ezra a sultry smile before she backed away and slammed the door shut, one child clinging to her leg, screaming still going on in the background.
Alaska stared at the closed door for a few minutes. That was not what she expected. She thought if she did the right thing, then good things would happen from it. She didn’t think that she would get ripped up one side and down the other, and made to feel more ashamed than she had when she started.
“Are you going to try again? Or do you want to go?”
Ezra’s soft words came over her shoulder.
“I can walk home from here. I just need my kids.”
She didn’t even know what she meant. She didn’t have a home. She couldn’t walk anywhere. She didn’t know how she’d get her kids, and she didn’t know what she was going to do. She just knew that Ezra couldn’t possibly want her anymore.
“Does that mean you’ve changed your mind?” he asked, and she thought she detected some hurt in his voice.
She turned to look at him, and he looked concerned, upset.
“No. That means I assumed you changed yours.”
“No.” His jaw jutted out, although there was a muscle that ticked below his ear, and she wasn’t quite sure what that meant.
“After what you just heard, are you sure?”
“I heard you trying to apologize. I saw you wanting to do the right thing. I understand that wasn’t easy, and you did it anyway. I heard and saw and realized that you tried to change your life, turning from your sin, and turning to Jesus, and I know that was hard, I felt the pain of your remorse, more than I ever have in my entire life. I admired you. It was a beautiful thing to see.”
She couldn’t believe it. He saw good in that?
“Did you not hear what she said?”
A little smile tilted up one side of his mouth, and she could hardly believe he could find anything funny.
“I heard she seemed to get a kick out of the idea of wanting your husband, but that’s me. Didn’t she understand that?”
“Ezra. How could anyone look at you and not want you?” Surely he didn’t actually believe that.
“Someone like Shanna? No. I don’t believe for one second. I found it funny. But, you were having a hard time, and while I felt humor, I felt more anger.”
“But there’s no point in getting angry.”
“No. There’s no point in getting angry. And no point in beating a dead horse. You did what you needed to do, which was apologize. If she doesn’t choose to accept it, that’s on her.”
