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“Really?” she sighed. “I don’t feel any better. I wanted forgiveness. I wanted her to say... Maybe not that’s okay, but I wanted her to make me feel like what I did wasn’t hurting her still. That we had a clean slate between us. I think some weird part of me also thought that maybe we could be friends, that our children would grow up together, considering that they have the same father.”
“I want to be the father of your children.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“I don’t understand why not. I’ve been saying the same thing over and over. I don’t typically say things I don’t mean.”
“I’m not used to that either, but it just seems so...crazy. Like if you told me that you could fly, and that you were going to the moon, that’s how crazy it sounds.”
“Well, I have no desire to leave North Dakota. I love it here. And I hope to stay. Forever. I even have my grave plot picked out.”
“Don’t talk like that!” She couldn’t even think about graves and dying. Ezra was the one solid thing in her life right now, and if he still wanted her, she would happily go with him. She couldn’t bear the idea that anything could happen to him, and that the one really great thing in her life could get knocked out from underneath her.
Except, he wasn’t the one great thing in her life. That was God.
“I think she likes me,” he said, and then smiled that half smile he did, the one that made her heart flip over.
“I do. You said something yesterday about the more you talk to me the more you wanted to talk to me, or something like that.”
“It’s true. The more time I spend with you, the more I want to spend.”
“That’s happening to me. You were here, I mean, you didn’t say anything, and I appreciated that, and maybe that was part of it. You just... Were there for me. And you did what I asked you to do, and you didn’t fight with me or argue or tell me how I was doing it wrong, you just... Supported me however you could, and it made me feel like it didn’t matter if I failed, you were still going to be there for me.”
“It’s true. I will. That’s part of what being married is. You’re there for the other person, not as a judge, not as a mother, or a commander, but as a companion, as a support. Someone to stand beside you, not over you or to browbeat you.”
“That feels so good. I... I’ve never had that in my life before. If that’s what being married is like, I can’t wait.”
“Speaking of, we can go?”
“Yeah. It makes me sad. That didn’t end the way I hoped it would.”
“I’m sure. But that’s not your fault. Your apology was sincere, and you were humble and contrite. Shanna didn’t want to accept your apology. I think sometimes when someone is coming to you humbly, you feel like you can lord it over them, and when you don’t have character, that’s what you do. Instead of accepting their apology, you rub in how wrong they were. And try to make them feel as bad as you can. I don’t know why that makes some people feel powerful, but it does.”
“Maybe that’s why apologizing is so hard. You give the other person the opportunity to do that. Sometimes they take it.”
“I think more times than what we want to admit, they take it. After all, apologizing wouldn’t be difficult if we weren’t afraid that people were going to treat us the way Shanna just treated you.”
“I guess the thing that I can learn from that is that I don’t want to treat other people the way that she treated me just now. So I’ll have to try to remember that when someone apologizes, even if I don’t want to forgive, I want to have the character to not be unkind at the very least.”
“Exactly.”
His hand came up, touched her shoulder, and then slid around to her back.
“Is this okay?” he asked.
He was so...considerate. So concerned about her. He treated her with far more deference than what she deserved. Although maybe if he understood everything she’d done, he wouldn’t be so concerned about asking if his hand on her back was okay. She’d certainly allowed far more with far less pleasure.
“I like it,” she said sincerely.
Her words made him smile, and he pulled her to him. She went willingly, remembering what he had said about wanting her to touch him. She put her arm around his waist, and they walked backto his pickup together, with him walking to her side, and opening her door for her.
He seemed too good to be true. A man who asked her before he touched her. Who opened her door for her. Who stood beside her. She didn’t deserve all of this.
Lord? Is this some kind of trick you’re playing on me? What’s the punchline? I keep waiting for it. I know it can’t be for real.
But, as he helped her in the truck and closed the door behind her, she knew that he was very, very real. And that this was a dangerous place for her to be. Because she was tempted to trust him, and in her experience, trusting a man only led to pain and suffering.
Part of her really, really wanted to. Saying that Ezra was different than any man she knew, which was true.
