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“I called the hospital trying to talk to him. Then I spoke with Francois a little while ago.”
She slowly turned her head. I caught the movement in the periphery of my vision. “And you’re just telling me now?”
“I didn’t want to worry you.”
“There you go again acting as if I’m a child. He’s my father, Maddox. No matter what you think about having a huge family, he’s my everything. He was the one who consoled me when I cried, kissing all my booboos when I fell. He encouraged me to continue with piano lessons when I hated them as a teenager. He was there when I was stupid enough to try out for cheerleading, which I sucked at. But he made me feel like a princess by taking me to dinner after I failed the tryouts. What I’m telling you is that there is no other bond like that of a parent and a child. It’s entirely different. Maybe one day you’ll realize that. I only hope it’s not too late.”
Her words rang loud and clear. “I hope so too, Zoe. I want a family.”
“Really? You could have fooled me. You act as if you don’t need anyone.”
“It’s not about not needing or wanting someone. It’s about whether or not caring about that person will place them in harm’s way, just like what happened to you.”
Zoe snorted as if I’d just made a joke. “A wise man once told me that it was better to take risks and live my life versus hiding in the shadows.”
“Who told you that?”
She jerked up from her seat. “My father. And I know what you’re going to say. I’m here with you because of his concern for me, so he meant everyone but his own daughter, but that’s the way I’ve wanted to live my life. Taking risks. I’ll do it again. Maybe you can’t do that. Maybe you can’t love someone, but I think you did and whatever happened killed your spirit. How very sad, Maddox. I want to be with you more than anything but not if you can’t let go with me.”
I sensed she was waiting for some big proclamation. I wasn’t the kind of man to give one. So I did what I always did; I ignored her comment.
When she started to walk into the house, I bristled.
“Does it feel good standing on the outside of life looking in, Maddox? I know you cared about someone. Whoever she was killed your spirit.”
The barb was justified. “Shutting down has been necessary.”
“I feel sorry for you.”
“Don’t. The need is my fault. My penance.”
“Penance? Why?”
“Because I broke off the relationship with her and learned the next day she’d overdosed. Just like my mother.”
The quiet settling between us was worse than it had been before. I wasn’t looking for sympathy nor was I expecting her to say anything but when I felt her hand on my shoulder, it felt as if some of the heavy weight had been lifted.
“You really cared about her,” she said.
“Yes. She was my first and you were right that she was older. I was a stupid kid. I loved the attention at first, the fact she was older providing me with an entirely different experience than I likely would have had as an eighteen-year-old kid. Unfortunately, as with all boys of that age, I was ready to move on. I’d never thought of what we shared as forever, but she’d grown attached. I didn’t see her overdose coming, although I learned later that she hid her drug use from me since I’d told her about my mother.”
“Geez. You weren’t to blame.”
I lifted my glass, taking a sip as I thought about her words. “Yeah, I was. I could have handled the breakup better. I could have seen the signs. In hindsight, they were there all along. I chose not to see them. I don’t know why I was so stupid.”
“You weren’t stupid, Maddox. You needed someone after your father abandoned you. This woman made her choice. Her choice. I understand how addictive drugs can be, but you didn’t push her into what happened. They did. That’s important for you to remember as well as the fact that not all women are that fragile.”
I half laughed and turned to face her, brushing my knuckles down her cheek. “Since when did you get so smart?”
“When you weren’t looking or caring.”
“Ah, lady. I’ve cared for you more than you know. You are very special and I adore you.”
“But you can’t love me.”
“I’m not certain I can love anyone,” I told her honestly.
She leaned into my hand, pressing hers on top. “What was her name?”
