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I looked up. “What? You’re upset about the sex?”
The look on his face told me everything I needed to know.
“The heart thing—yeah, it’s alarming, but we’ll get through it. Like you said, the doctor isn’t overly worried. But the fact that he’s a boy…fuck.”
I could not have been more gobsmacked if he had told me the baby was going to be a unicorn with an alligator tail and chicken feet. “Why does it matter if it’s a boy? I would have thought you’d be happy.”
Xavier just rubbed his face and shook his head. “Not so much. God, once this gets out, I’m going to have every lord on the island congratulating me. They’ll all want a piece of him, you know, just like they’ll want a piece of you. Except you aren’t a part of that world, nor do you want to be…” He trailed off, and that was when it occurred to me what he was really ashamed of. This whole thing was embarrassing to him. I was embarrassing to him. Our family was his personal humiliation.
I turned back around to put the tea boxes away but mostly to school my face into something that was slightly less appalled.
“Look,” I said. “I know he won’t be a proper heir or ever become a duke—”
“That’s not it,” Xavier interrupted gently.
“But honestly, that’s no reason to be disappointed in him. He’s just a baby, for Pete’s sake—”
“There’s nothing wrong withhim, Ces, it’s—”
“He can’t help it if his parents can’t get their crap together. And honestly, I’m sure if you really need to produce a proper heir, Imogene would be happy to step in and make that happen.”
By the time I was done spewing my personal insecurities all over the counter, Xavier had simply sat up on his stool to watch me. My face was heated, and my stomach felt sick at just the thought of Xavier kissing the neighbor girl, much less marrying her and reproducing. He said he would always be here, but what did I know? Dukes had more important things to do than take care of their ex-girlfriends and illegitimate children. Not when they had estates to run and heirs to produce.
Their babies would be so beautiful, too. Tall and dark-haired, or maybe blond and blue-eyed. Regal either way. Perfect for the next generation of lords and ladies.
“Oh God,” I muttered as I rubbed my hands over my face.
After a few seconds, a hand touched one of mine and gently peeled it off one eye, then did the same with the other. Xavier’s blue-eyed gaze blinked at me.
“You misunderstand,” he said in a calmer voice. “I’m upset because every advisor I have will encourage me to make the child legitimate in order to secure the line of succession and further erode Georgie’s claims.”
“Oh,” I said. “But you…don’t want that. I see.”
“Youdon’t want that,” he corrected me. “You’ve made it clear again and again. I’m not going to force you to be with me, Ces. And it’s for the best anyway, because honestly, the last thing I want is for any child of mine to inherit this fucking mess.” He shook his head ruefully. “I’m not the slightest bit embarrassed by you or our family. I just don’t want any child to have my life at all.”
EIGHTEEN
The conversation ended when Xavier quietly told me he needed time to think and went downstairs while I threw out his tea, finished my tutoring sessions for the day, and left to pick up Sofia. When we returned, we found him in the kitchen, chopping away at something while a couple of pots bubbled merrily on the stove.
“That smells good,” I said as Sofia scampered into the kitchen.
Xavier just grunted and focused more on his vegetables. His body, however, was far more relaxed than it had been just hours earlier. Cooking was more to Xavier than a job or even a passion. It had been his therapy before he ever even considered seeing an actual therapist, his means of working out whatever demons could not be held at bay.
Within an hour of chattering with Sofia, however, his fears only seemed to hang like rain clouds over me. I was still sulking on the couch while he and our daughter were having their usual grand time making dinner, which this time apparently included rice balls shaped into Sofia’s favorite animals.
“What shall it be this time, babe?” Xavier asked her. “A panda or maybe a fox? I’ve been told I look a bit like a fox with my long nose, you know.”
He wriggled said appendage in a way that made Sofia burst into giggles at the counter and made my heart skip at least two solid beats.
Shit.
I turned back to the journal I was trying to finish today, but that wasn’t helping my state of mind. Despite the fact that there had still been zero mention of Xavier’s mother or him, I couldn’t read the damn thing without seeing Kendal—and Xavier in it.
Why did I care so much? It wasn’t likeIwanted Sofia or little no-name inside me to have the life of an illustrious duke’s offspring either. One summer of that had been quite enough for all of us, right?
“Ces,” Xavier called from the kitchen. “Come here and taste this. Tell me what you think.”
I shook my head. “I’m all right. I’ll just wait until it’s done.”
