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“But I never told youhowhe blackmailed me,” she takes in a deep breath and lets it out before continuing. “He set Kasey up when she was in a rough place.”
“What are you talking about?”
“He was stalking me and everyone in my life and he saw an opportunity with Kasey being an addict. He had some guy charm her and give her some pills and had it recorded it so he could threaten me. The deal was I had to disappear, or he would send the tape to CPS.”
“You’re fucking kidding me,” I exclaim, finally getting up off my sorry ass.
“I would do it all over again,” she claims solemnly, “because Kasey is a beautiful, loving, giving person, and a good mother. She’s such a damn good person and she’s never stopped feeling awful about it. She hates taking Matt’s money when he wants to help her out of a rough spot, and she feels like she’ll never be able to do or be enough to you for what you’ve done for Luna. All she wants is to be the one to help someone else out for a change, and the first time she tries, you throw it back in her face.” She’s no longer yelling; I actually hear tears of anger and disappointment in her voice.
…I will never be that person, the one that makes some kind of difference for another.
That’s what Kasey had meant when she defeatedly murmured those words earlier.
My chest clenches and my eyes burn at the realization.
“I know I fucked up,” I say gently, “I just sort of snapped. The date really took me by surprise this year. I normally see it coming, but I’ve been so wrapped up in…”
“You had something good going and that kept you from dwelling on it, waiting for it to arrive.”
“Right.”
“You realize that’s not abadthing, right? The day can mean something to you without you letting it tear you apart year after year,” she points out, completely echoing Kasey’s earlier sentiments. “Was it really so bad not being miserable these last few weeks?”
I don’t answer right away, not because I don’t have a response, but because her concept is one worth contemplating. I’ve sentenced myself to five years of not connecting with anyone for several reasons, like I didn’t want to have to associate with my past or let anyone too far in. I didn’t want anyone to know me or where I’d come from. I got used to being some boring character in a far off land. I never thought I was miserable. The last few weeks I’ve spent with Kasey and Luna however, not to mention coaching the kids and seeing how much they’ve improved, has only made me see just how unhappy I really was, even when I thought I preferred it.
Kasey has helped me. She’s been helping me all this time, in ways that neither she or I could see.
“Look, if your answer is yes, then you don’t belong here, with these people that love and care about each other. Like you once said to me, no one can tell you how to grieve, but there is one exception. Taking that grief out on people that are just trying to be good to you is not okay, and if that’s what you’re going to be about, go back to Bali and leave my sister alone.”
Her parting words are a burning blow to the gut as the line goes dead.
I lower the phone and let it fall to the couch cushions before starting to pace the living room. My heart is aching and racing, but for a completely different reason than the significance of today’s date. Mel’s right; I’ve been callous all these years to keep people away, but I never intended for it to hurt anybody. Today I did hurt someone, deeply, and it wasn’t just anyone. It was the most important someone who I haven’t been letting in to my life, but who has welcomed me into hers, which she doesn’t do for just anyone. She’s shared herself with me, been patient, and inspired me with her loving spirit and vast strength.
What the hell have I done?
I rub at the back of my neck as I pace the dark living room. I felt like shit before that phone call, but now, I feel just plain rotten. Melanie dropped some major knowledge on me, but also some serious perspective.
Who the hell am I, and what am I doing?
I scrub my hands over my face as I consider this. I’m not the person I was before the accident; I’ll never be that same guy again. But I’ve definitely morphed, somewhat, out of the damaged, lifeless shell I’ve been ever since. I’m slowly becoming a new version of myself, and that has not been a bad thing.
If it were, I would have been on a plane long ago, I point out to myself.
Becoming friends with Melanie, meeting Kasey and being inspired by her beauty and strength, coaching those kids… it’s all been filling my empty cup again, and I let one date get in the way of that; allowing it to make the changes in my life seem like nothing. But they’re everything.
I’ve tried so hard for five years not to feel anything, and now I’m feeling so much.
I run my hands through my hair and tug on the strands in anguish as all the thoughts and confusing feelings swarming me. I need some air.
I stride through the house and let myself out the back door. I rest my hands on my knees and take a huge gulp of night air.
Is it really so bad?I ask myself.
To feel again? To live again?
I already know the answer.
Kasey
