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Gerarda knelt on the ground beside me and passed me one of Nikolai’s handkerchiefs. I grabbed it but didn’t wipe the dirt or tears from my face. “How did you find me?”
“It wasn’t hard to figure out.” Gerarda nodded at the grave.
My breath hitched mid-sob. “You knew?”
Gerarda’s sharp brow pricked upward. “That you loved her? Or that you buried her here?”
“Both.”
“Everyone with eyes knew the first, Keera.” Gerarda’s gaze went soft. “That you loved her and that she loved you.”
A new stream of tears rolled down my cheeks. That love had gotten Brenna killed. “And the second?”
Gerarda swallowed guiltily. “I watched you bury her that day.”
I winced. Gerarda had never said a word.
She flipped a tiny blade through her fingers and stared at it as she spoke. “I didn’t tell you because I thought it would make that day harder for you given my and Brenna’s … shared history.”
I huffed a laugh. I had almost forgotten about that night in the corridor.
Gerarda threw her blade over the cliff edge and turned her body to face me. Her small hands grabbed mine and she finally met my gaze. “I know we weren’t on the best of terms, but I have always been sorry that you lost her in the Trials. Brenna deserved so much more than this island.”
I blinked, letting Gerarda’s words sink in. Figures moved in the distance. Syrra and Nikolai stood with Vrail, far enough away to give me space but close enough to hear. Beside them was Killian, folded over and out of breath.
Without any other reason than knowing I was in pain, my family had come for me. That gesture filled some of the empty parts of me with warmth, but the hollows still echoed with loneliness and grief.
It was time they knew the whole of it. If they were to stand with me, I wanted them to know everything they stood beside.
I tugged at the end of my sleeve along my left wrist. Somehow, I gathered the strength to begin. “Hildegard never told you how Brenna died?”
Gerarda tilted her head. “She failed her Trial of …”
“Loyalty.” I nodded. “Was yours an easy one to fail?” The Shades weren’t meant to discuss their Trials with initiates and many of the Shades kept the practice well after they earned their hoods. The Trials weren’t something any of us wanted to remember.
Gerarda’s brows knitted together. “I was fed poison and the person with the antidote would give it to me if I disparaged the Crown. I obviously did not.”
I huffed a laugh. If only we had been given that option. I pulled up my sleeve and ignored Gerarda’s gasp as she read Brenna’s name. “Brenna didn’t die in her Trial of Loyalty—she died inmine.” I swallowed the thickness at my throat. “Damien and Brenna had history from before she came to the Order. You knew her well enough to know that she didn’t care he was a prince.”
Gerarda gave a half-hearted chuckle, clinging to every word. Her dark eyes seemed to flick from mine to my mouth, unsure of where to look or what she was hearing. Killian stared at me with deep pity; he already knew how this story ended.
“He spent years tormenting her even after she came,” I continued, my tongue sharp with venom as I remembered the way she would come back bruised and broken. “She wanted to end him, end all of it. She joked about how two Shades could take down the entire regime, but soon that joke grew into something more … It grew into a promise. A promise that we would doeverythingin our power to end Aemon’s reign, but we grew too confident, too quickly.”
Gerarda’s breath stilled. “Damien suspected you?”
I nodded. “He told his father that it was too high a risk to have such talents be so fond of each other. He said we needed to be loyal to the Crown and there was only one way to prove it.” My voiced cracked and I ran my finger over Brenna’s name.
“Oh, Keera.” Gerarda sighed, grabbing my hand.
I looked down at my lap knowing if I saw any of their faces I would crumble into another fit of sobs. “When I was called to my Trial the room was empty. Aemon and Hildegard were there and so was Damien. He took great pleasure in explaining how he thought the Trial of Loyalty was the most important of all.Where heroes weremadeis what he said. And then he pulled down the curtain and she was there.”
Gerarda squeezed my hand. My tear fell on the back of her palm but neither of us moved. The story was like a rock rolling down a hill and it had picked up too much momentum to stop now.
“He told me the task was simple. I could kill Brenna and claim my hood or refuse and his father would take my head. But it was clear only one of us was walking out of that hall alive.”
Gerarda’s shoulders fell. “And you made the choice to live?”
“No.” The word was harsh coming out of my lips. “Brenna had already made the choice. She pleaded for me to kill her and I drove this dagger through her chest.” I pointed to the bloodstone blade where it still laid across the grave. My lips trembled as I faced Gerarda with a harsh truth only a Shade could find comfort in. “I gave her a quick death.”
