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Gerarda’s eyes swam with sympathy. “You made a choice. One many would make.”
I shook my head. “I never had a choice. Brenna had already taken it from me. Damien never knew, but I was close enough to see the staining on her lips. Somehow, she had expected him to do what he did … She poisoned herself just before the Trial and her last words were the ones she knew would convince me to do it.”
Gerarda lowered her head to meet my gaze. Her brows were crinkled as she waited to hear what words could cause one to shove a dagger through their own lover’s heart.
“You promised.” The same words that had haunted me since that day.
Tears streamed down Gerarda’s face. I turned to the others and theirs were misted too.
“That’s why you won’t make promises,” Killian whispered, his eyes were red and hollow.
I nodded. “I was already trying to pay one debt. I don’t have room for another.”
Killian’s gaze trailed down my arm to where he knew the names of innocents were carved into my skin. I undid the lacing at my neck and my dark brown cloak fell to the ground. I pulled my tunic free from my trousers and turned to expose my back.
Nikolai wretched onto the ground, tears already soaking his cheeks from my tale, but Syrra’s gasp was the deepest. She cursed under her breath as I felt the weight of her stare on my scars. “Who did that to you?”
“Damien,” I answered, without turning around to face them. “Each Shade is inked with the symbol of their most impressive Trial. Damien decided that he wanted to call on old traditions to celebrate myspecialachievement. He carved it himself.”
Gerarda’s breathing stopped and her face paled as she took in the scars. Vrail choked on the bile in her throat and Nikolai kneeled to hand her a waterskin.
“After he had finished, I took Brenna’s body to bury her. I had the mage pen Damien had used on me in my pocket and decided that I wanted a scar thatIhad chosen. A scar that showed he hadn’t broken me. A scar that meant the promise was still alive.”
“So you carved Brenna’s name,” Gerarda whispered in awe.
“Her name was only the first.” I turned slowly. I had no shame that they could see my bare chest. Their eyes were trailing along other parts of me anyway. “Every time Aemon ordered me to take a life. Every time I was forced to slay an innocent. I carved their name into me.” I turned to Syrra, embarrassment heating my cheeks. “I was inspired by the traditions of your predecessors. Each name wasa tiny little rebellion and way to reclaim what had been taken from me. I made the ritual my own.”
Syrra placed an open palm over her eyes and then her heart. “It is an honor to see your scars of battle.”
I scoffed. “They are a record of my failings, not my survival.”
Syrra shook her head and closed the distance between us in four paces. “They are the markings of a warrior who made herself into a shield for her people.”
My rebuttal caught in my throat.
Gerarda’s cold hand grazed across my upper arm. “Some of these names were not yours to take.” Her dark eyes snapped to mine. Gerarda had been the one to scribe the execution orders for the king. “That Halfling told me what you did for his family and those Shades. How many times did you bear the brunt of Aemon’s order?”
I swallowed. “I knew how badly taking a life could scar. After Brenna, I tried to save as many as I could. Sometimes that meant funneling Halflings into safe houses and sometimes it meant taking execution orders so the Shades need not carry them out.”
A tear ran down Gerarda’s cheek. “You never said anything.”
“And you never said anything about your losses either.” I smiled as warmly as I could manage. “We were raised to think of each other as opponents, not to share in each other’s weaknesses.”
Vrail’s voice was a dark rasp over the wind. “An army of competitors can be wielded; an army of comrades can overtake.”
Gerarda and I glanced at each other and nodded.
I pulled the tunic back on and stood. “I will do my duty to the Elverin and make sure the seals are opened. But”—I turned to face them all, knowing they knew the truth of it now—“I will not survive killing the person who matters most to me again. When the seals are broken, I will consider my promise kept.”
Nikolai glanced at Killian almost like he expected him to say something. But the prince was silent, as if speaking would ink his brother’s death into the histories and carve it into my skin. At least one of us held onto a glimmer of hope.
Nikolai kneeled beside me and grabbed my hand. “Riven would not want you to put him above everyone else.” Nikolai’s jaw clenched. “But there is more hope than you know.”
“I don’t have the strength for hope.” My entire body sagged toward the ground. “It seems fate has dealt me the same hand again. I know how to play it.”
And then the game will be done.
CHAPTERTHIRTY-NINE
