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Even with his parents’ help, it couldn’t have been easy for a teenager having to cope. All the things his psychologist and doctors told him flooded his mind. It wasn’t a conscious choice. He probably couldn’t have avoided it under the circumstances. All the supposed reassurance they’d drummed into him. But he’d made a lot of poor choices which helped push him beyond his limits. The worst of which was abandoning Becca because of the word of a boy he knew to be an addict and a liar.
‘I wish I’d been there for you, Becca.’
Her hand reached out again and stayed on his knee. ‘Me too. We’d have done better together, I think.’
She was probably right. He’d been isolated in those last months in Brisbane. He hadn’t made any close friends at university and he’d lived alone in his apartment, too shy to reach out for a flatmate or try and become involved in social events run by the faculty and student bodies.
She shifted to put the mug on the tray and the loss of her touch chilled him.
‘Is this the reason you don’t think you can have a relationship? Mental health isn’t an impediment these days.’
Trust her to dig into the heart of the matter. ‘It depends on the side effects.’
‘You must be stable. They wouldn’t have allowed you to go overseas if you weren’t. You said it was the pneumonia and your skin condition that brought you home.’ Her tone was faintly accusing.
‘I haven’t misled you. But you’re right. I haven’t told you everything.’
‘There’s more?’
‘I was medicated for a long time for the depression. Over five years. Some side effects had a long-lasting result.’
Her unblinking gaze bored into him and he could see her acute brain ticking over. ‘Side effects for depression and possibly aggravated by the medication?’
He could see her put all the clues together, a slight flush pinking her cheeks. ‘You were impotent? Surely it would have rectified itself once you were stable and came off the medication. It’s no reason to avoid relationships … or are we talking two different things?’
His insides curled into a painful ball. His pale skin must be a beacon of bright colour, adding to his humiliation. ‘It hasn’t totally resolved at this time.’
‘You mean the other day? It wasn’t only that you weren’t into me?’
She was killing him. ‘It’s … unreliable.’
‘You’d have had successful relationships since you went off medication.’
It wasn’t a question and he didn’t quite know how to respond. ‘It takes a lot of trust to enter a physical relationship with someone when you’re in my situation.’
Her fingers kneaded the fleecy fabric of his robe. ‘Have you had a recent medical opinion?’
‘It’s largely mental. Performance anxiety.’
***
Becca swallowed down the lump in her throat. She couldn’t imagine what Morgan had been through.
Sure, she hadn’t had sex in close on thirteen years. But she hadn’t exactly wanted it, either. Not with any of the men paraded in front of her by helpful friends and the hopeful Grace.
She’d been too absorbed with her children to be taking risks with a man she wasn’t a hundred percent sure about. Experience had taught her to be cautious.
It was different for Morgan. To be a man whose sex life was relegated to only those women he could trust enough to reveal his inner demons must have had enormous impact on his emotional baggage and self-esteem. She wondered how many and then dismissed it. Not her business.
Now he’d been forced to open up to her, because of the necessity of making the co-parenting relationship work.
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
His laugh was a ragged thing that showed the rawness of his emotions. ‘I don’t think so.’
He’d already found her less than adequate in bed, which made it a stupid question. Stupid and embarrassing. ‘Does Grace know?’
‘Only about the depression and anxiety. Not the unfortunate side effects. Not a conversation I want to have with my mother.’
