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It’d been the worst time in my life. Had been. I waved her off. “I’m not trying to brush it under the rug, but I’m okay. My family’s okay. My dad, he did what he did. He’s in prison, but it’s not one for hardened criminals. And my sister, she went to rehab. She’s actually doing really well. My mom was struggling for a while, until my sister overdosed. After that, it gave her purpose. The two of them are tight. They’re in counseling together. They go to a gym five days a week. They’re thinking about doing motivational talks. Again, I’m not trying to downplay it, but my family is okay now. We’ll be okay.”
God. I couldn’t get it out of my head.
Mac’s words.
“ . . . you’re going to tell the world that my twin sister killed herself and she used my suicide note when she did it?”
“Mac.” I couldn’t. Her name came out as a whimper. A tear slipped down my cheek.
I wouldn’t have gotten through last year if it hadn’t been for Mac, knowing she was here, that I had already met her, knowing I would come back to her because that had been the plan in the back of my head. The whole time. I knew she was there. She was constant. I had relied on her being there, and hearing that, it broke a part of me.
Her shoulders lifted up as she drew in some air, then she gave me such a sad smile. Her head tilted down and she shrugged one shoulder, just one, and it was such a small movement. “I got sad at the end of last year. I didn’t notice at first. You weren’t around. Ryan was busy. He had a lot of meetings about summer training, and we went home. My brother was at his school. I know I’ve told you about him, but he’s a little genius. He’s at his genius camp year-round, or that’s how he describes his school.” She rolled her eyes, scoffing, but I heard the pride in her voice. “He does that to downplay it because the truth is that my brother is a genius, and whoever he becomes, he’s going to be someone great. I just know it. My parents were there, but they were busy. It wasn’t that I was alone. It was just that. . . It snuck up on me and I hadn’t looked for the red flags. Then, Ryan found me and he freaked out.”
“He found you? What do you mean he found you?” Had she. . . God. I couldn’t even let myself think it. Like if I did, it’d come true.
I didn’t understand this stuff.
I didn’t want to understand it.
“It was our birthday when Willow killed herself. I found her. And it was on the anniversary of that day when Ryan found me. I wasn’t in any bad way. I don’t want you to think that. I wasn’t trying to do anything. It wasn’t—” She stopped herself, closed her eyes, took a breath, and she reopened them, looking right at me. “I did not try to kill myself, nor did I want to. But I was sad, and when I found her, I laid down next to her.” Her voice grew so hoarse. “I already knew she was gone and I wanted one more moment with her. When Ryan found me last summer, I was in the same position. It freaked him out.”
“Mac,” I could only whisper. “I only got through last year and leaving Cris because I knew you. Honest to God. You’re one of the best friends I’ll ever have. I knew that last year. I—I just meant to sort my shit out, get my head clear until I was good enough to come back. I knew if I hung out with you again, I’d see Ryan, and seeing Ryan. . . Yeah. I wasn’t ready to deal with that, but in the back of my head, you were here. I relied on that to be true and the thought of you not being here, please don’t ever do that. You can never leave.”
Her eyes opened wide, filling with tears. She rushed over to me, wrapping her arms around me. “And I won’t. I promise.” She squeezed me so tight before sitting back so I could see her eyes again. “I got sad last summer, and I’ll admit that if Ryan hadn’t freaked out, if no one noticed, I could’ve gone back to that place. But he did notice, and he did freak out, and it jarred me. I don’t ever want him to deal with my baggage.” She glanced away.
I frowned. “Why not? I mean, you deal with his.”
She looked back, frowning too. “What do you mean?”
I laughed abruptly, then quieted because it looked like she really hadn’t thought of it that way. “Rispins. What she did. It was because of Cahill, because of the team. Because of Ryan’s life, how it’s going to be for him. How it already is. Fame. Popularity. Press. Girls. I know there was stuff that happened in high school. He’s not even in the NBA yet. It’s going to get bigger. He’s going to get bigger and you’re going to be at his side, dealing with your share of it. There’s collateral damage both ways, on both parties. You deal with his stuff too.”
Her eyebrows pulled together. “You’re right. I never thought of it that way.”
I reached for her hand, squeezing it, and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I just wanted my friend next to me. “I want to help, in whatever way you need me to help. If you’re willing to talk about it, I’d like to understand.”
She stiffened before lifting her head up.
I couldn’t identify the look on her face, as she blinked a few times.
I frowned. “What?”
“Ryan’s the only one who’s asked to understand it.”
Oh. Oh no. “Is that—wrong?” I began to pull my hand away.
“No.” She grabbed my hand. “It would mean the world to me, for you to want to understand.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, if someone gets an injury and you’re a part of their wellness team, you need to understand the injury to know how to help. I just think of it in those terms.”
A tear rose up, resting on the bottom of her one eyelid, and she gave me another one of those smiles, the ones that yanked on my heartstrings. “I’d love to tell you.” Her tear fell, right as she laughed lightly. “But we should schedule that because that could get heavy. Schedule that with maybe wine and we could dress in yeti costumes.”
“Yeti costumes?”
“Yeah. So we can scare people on campus right after because that shit would be fun.”
I laughed, thinking about it. “We should start with Kellie Rispins first.”
She barked out a laugh. “Can you imagine us driving in the car there?”
