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She doesn’t look convinced, but she slowly nods her head. “Go on. I’m listening.”
“I think about him a lot and wonder how he is. I wonder what would have happened if things would have turned out differently. I was always impatient with him back in college and then after…I don’t know, maybe I expected too much from him too soon and then pulled the plug too early.”
“And I was there for all of that.”
“No, wait let me finish. I wonder if he ever thinks about me the way I think about him. I wonder if he thinks about what could have been or if he would have done things differently that second time. I just want to reach out to him and see how he is. See if he’s happy.”
Meg looks thoughtful as she watches me. At some point in my spiel, I got up off the bed and started pacing in front of it. “Nikki, which do you think would be worse? To know that he does think about you, or to know that he never gives you any thought? Which would make you feel better?” she asks me slowly.
I know the answer to her question instantly. Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s just because of how I am but I know how I feel and what I want. “I would want to know either way.”
“I just think that maybe… maybe he thinks everything he did wasn’t good enough for you.”
I can tell that she’s nervous about saying those words to me.They don’t shock or hurt me. It’s truthful and I understand. I would think that too if I were in her position. Hell, I think the same thing sometimes and I lived it. I also have to confess something I did one drunken night right after Todd and I separated.
“I may have already reached out.”
Her eyes go round. “What did you do?”
“I may have gotten drunk one night during the pandemic and sent him a postcard in the mail.”
She shakes her head, confused. “Wait, what do you mean you sent him a postcard? Like walked it to the mailbox? What was the postcard? I have so many questions.”
“No, I found them online. It’s like a whole company and you can send them anonymously so that’s what I did. I sent him this quote he was always saying in college and didn’t sign it.”
She looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. “Please tell me you didn’t.”
“I did.” Because I mean, I really did. It wasn’t my proudest moment and the next morning when I woke up in the harsh light of day and realized what I had done I immediately tried to undo it but quickly learned I couldn’t cancel it and that postcard was just going to be out there wafting in the wind because there was no way to turn back time and unsend it.
She groans and puts her head in her hands. “Oh Nikki, what am I going to do with you?”
At least I’ve told her all my secrets and dreams now.
GOING HOME
Present Day
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve begun our initial descent. Please ensure your tray tables are in the upright and locked position. Please stow away any belongings that you may have removed from the overhead bins and fasten your seat belts.
The flight attendant’s voice on the airplane’s intercom pulls me from my thoughts. I can’t believe I’m doing this. It’s crazy,reallycrazy, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing this. It might seem crazy but I feel completely calm as I sit in my window seat and stare out the window. I can see the mountain tops through the clouds as we slowly descend, getting closer and closer to home.Home. I haven’t lived here in years but it’ll always be my home. If it was good enough for John Denver to write an entire song about it, it’ll always be good enough for me to call home. And I’m reclaiming it as mine.
The plane continues its descent as I rest my head back against the headrest. I close my eyes as the plane shifts and winds its way down to the ground.I’m really doing this. I try not to have a panic attack during landing. Not because of the flight but because ofwhat is to come. That’s what has me truly petrified because so much is up in the air, left to wonder and worry about. While I’m at peace about coming home, I’m still torn about other things that I have planned.
I’ve been officially divorced for three months. Many months later than I originally thought everything would be finalized but finalized it is. I’ve also been planning and have had big changes come up in my life. I bought a house sight unseen two weeks ago. Technically, my mother and Erica walked through it for me, took photos and worked with the realtor. This will be the first time I’ve ever seen it in person. The house that I bought years ago has a small family in it who’s been renting it for years. I couldn’t break their lease, not that I wanted to because they have an adorable five-year-old boy and a two-year-old little girl. But my house situation isn’t what has my stomach in knots.
So I got a divorce, so what, so have half the people in America who’ve been married. I don’t care that everyone in my small town will know my marriage didn’t make it. Hell, I’m glad it didn’t. I was miserable and now I’m finally living life again. The reason I’m nervous today is the fact that I’m going to finally,finallybe able to do something I’ve been thinking of doing for over a year: I’m going to finally reach out to Brad.
I wipe my palms on my jeans in an attempt to dry them. I’m sweating today. I feel like I’m one of those poor prisoners that sits on death row waiting for the warden to get a call from the Governor’s Office with a stay of execution. I lean up and turn the AC dial to my seat all the way open. The stewardess gives me a reproachful glare when I get up because she thinks that I’m going to get out of my seat during descent. If she could only understand that the last thing I want to do is get out of my seat.
As the plane continues to descend, I think about all of thethings I’m going to get done today. I’ll get my house keys, see my family, and then spend two hours in the car driving to a town that I haven’t been to in over ten years. The same town that Brad still lives in. If I am to believe social media, he’s still married and happy. The photos portray them happy, smiling, and living their best life. My intention isn’t to break up their marriage, it’s to go there and see him and just wish him well and maybe catch up.
I don’t have a major game plan about how I’m going to approach him. My only plan that I do have is that I’m going to casually drive up to his firm and see if he’s in. If he is then I’ll stop in and see if he’s available for a quick hello. The internet tells me that he’s now one of the controlling partners of the firm, so at least one of his dreams came true. That always makes me wonder how busy he will be. He may not even be there, he could be off on vacation or at court or with a client. Either way, I’m not going to put this trip off any longer.
The landing gear touches the runway and I’m momentarily thrown forward and then back against my seat as we quickly come to a slow roll on the runway. The airport is small, so it doesn’t take long for the plane to pull up to the gate and open the door. The other twenty-five passengers on my flight disembark and finally I’m able to get up from my seat in the back of the plane. When I come down the jet bridge and into the terminal with only three gates, I quickly scan the area for anyone I know.
I don’t see anyone after a cursory glance, but you can never know in a small town. Someone sees you and then they tell their friends, and it just spreads like wildfire until everyone in town knows all about your daily life and business. I’m hoping to avoid that for a while, but I’m sure my mother has been telling everyone she knows that herbaby is coming home.
I make my way to the tiny, lone luggage carousel and wait formy bag. I’ve had all of my things boxed and shipped with a moving company, so I only brought enough things to last me the rest of the week. The truck with all my boxes and furniture should be here in a few days, but until then I’ll make do, or if need be, go out and buy whatever else I may need in the meantime.
