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I’m so engrossed in looking for my bag as they start to pour onto the belt that I don’t see Erica creeping up on me and when she taps my shoulder, she successfully scares the shit out of me, much to her enjoyment. “Got you,” she says, then pulls me in for a hug.
When we pull back from our hug I take her in. I haven’t seen her in person for about six months and she’s got her hair cut in a cute pixie style. She’s also lost about twenty pounds. “Yep. Look at you! You’re hair! When did you chop it all off?”
She shrugs one of her shoulders like it’s no big deal. “Eh, I got bored last week and figured I needed a change.”
“Well it looks great.” I glance over and see my bag coming around. “Oh! There’s my bag.” I get my bag off the belt and turn back to face her. She’s holding up a key ring, jingling the keys on it.
“Brought you these. Welcome back to the neighborhood.”
I reach out and take them from her. “Thanks. I can’t wait to see it in person.”
Her face lights up when she starts talking about the house. It probably doesn’t hurt that it’s just a few streets over from her own house. We’re practically neighbors. I wheel my luggage through the baggage and car rental area as we walk towards the exit. When we get outside and the brisk wind sends a chill over me. This is the fall that I’ve been wanting years for. Erica must notice me taking it all in.
“Glad to finally be home?”
“You have no idea.”
She laughs. “I do a little. Remember I spent several years away from here, too, before coming back.”
“True,” I tell her as we cross the street towards her car. Once we’ve got my bag stowed in the trunk and our seatbelts on, she starts up the car and we head out. She’s got *NSYNC’sTearin’ Up My Heartblasting through her car speakers like it’s 1997 all over again. We laugh and sing along as we drive through town, making our way over to my new house. My parents are on a cruise, so sadly they won’t be there to greet me, but I’ll see them again next week once they return. Now that I’ll be living back in my hometown I’ll get to see them as much as I’d like.
When we’re done singing along to *NSYNC, we turn down the radio. I’m so happy right now I can’t keep the smile off my face and I don’t want to. I’m looking at all the fall leaves’ explosions of colors in the trees when Erica’s question interrupts me.
“Have you talked to Lola lately?”
I turn my attention from the window back to her. “We talked about two weeks ago over text. Why?”
She clears her throat and I know she’s about to start in on a tirade. “Well she moved in with her girlfriend and didn’t even tell any of us so when we went to her apartment and out walked this woman, half naked and asking if Lola was going to be long, none of us knew what to think.” I start to drown out Erica as she talks about Lola. They’ve had a rocky relationship since graduation and it all stems from Lola not telling anyone she’s a lesbian.
Meg, Erica, and I were Lola’s closest friends in college, I was her roommate for goodness sake and had no idea. I get why she wanted to keep it private, but it did hurt me to think that she couldn’t trust me with living her truth. It hurt Erica even more because they hung out often, if not more than the rest of us, togetherand she thought they told each other everything. Clearly they didn’t, well, at least not Lola.
It wasn’t until about two years ago Lola came out to everyone and explained her reasons for not telling anyone for years. We all gave her hugs and told her how much we loved her but several of our friends were deeply hurt that she didn’t confide in them, Erica being one of the main ones. Now with them still trying to build that relationship back in the trust department, any little thing that doesn’t get mentioned is a big deal. I just try to stay out of the middle.
I listen to her talk about her but when she’s done, I quickly change the subject without comment. “So did Meg tell you my plan?”
She gives me a long side-eye while raising one of her eyebrows, but she doesn’t point out that I’m not commenting on anything with Lola. She just moves on, too. “Yep. I think you’ve lost your mind, but I’ll support you either way.” That statement is one of the reasons why she’s my best friend. No bullshit, just truth and support. Am I crazy? Maybe.
It’s hours later and we’re eating Chinese takeout while sitting on a bean bag and a clear inflatable seat that’s a flashback from the nineties, both of which were housewarming gifts from Erica. I’ve just shoved another wanton in my mouth when Erica starts talking.
“So tell me about this plan of yours for tomorrow.”
I finish chewing my wanton and take a sip of water. “Well… it’s not much of a plan. I’m going to drive to Clareville, go to his office, and see if he’s in. If he is, I’m going to ask to see him and then just tell him I was passing through and wanted to say hello and catch up.”
Erica sets her container of General Tso’s down on the floor beside her. “No. You can’t do that. That’s his work, Nikki. Also, what do you think is going to come of this?”
I shrug my shoulders. Deep down I just want to see him. I know that social media tells me he’s happily married, and I don’t want to mess that up for him. But what’s the harm in just going there to tell him hello and to clear the air from years ago? If anything, it’ll just be a nice time chatting with an old friend. “That we could be friends again? Cordial? I know he comes to town a lot for games and to do alumni events and I don’t want it to be weird between us if we run into each other which will inevitably happen. This town is too small for us not to see each other.”
We sit there in silence for a moment and my thoughts drift. When Ireallythink about seeing Brad it’s to see if he really is as happy as social media makes it seem. I have this deep need to know if he really is content and happy in his life. My profiles used to be full of roses and happiness and everyone would assume I was living this perfect life. In reality, I was miserable and unhappy. The question that goes through my mind over and over is, is he as happy as he seems or is it an act for the public and he’s living a life that mirrored mine. I don’t dare admit this to Meg or Erica or anyone because I’m too ashamed to say it out loud. I don’t want him to be unhappy, but a big part of me wants him to be unhappy because I want him to be happy with me. God, just saying that to myself even makes me feel like a shitty person. Who hopes their ex-boyfriend that they pine over is just as unhappy as they were? I guess me.
She eyes me like she has more to say. For the first time, I think she bites her tongue. She makes a noise that sounds likehmmbut she just picks up her takeout box and continues eating. Her silence on the subject unnerves me. “What?” I ask her. Feeling paranoidthat she can read all the dark and twisted thoughts I’ve been having. My shitty desires exposed.
She just shakes her head and keeps eating. “Tell me. What?” Now Ihaveto know what she’s thinking.
“Uh uh. I’m not getting involved in this one. You can call me after it’s all done and tell me what happened, though.”
“Seriously?” I ask her.
She rolls her eyes to the ceiling and blows out a long breath of air. “I just don’t want you disappointed if he’s not willing to see you or even worse, he does see you and basically dismisses you or doesn’t have anything to say.” She pauses and I can tell she’s debating and choosing her words wisely. “I just… I just wonder if maybe you’ve built him up in your mind as the one who got away and you won’t be happy and can’t move on till you figure it out.”
