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Eventually, I stop. I’m breathing heavily. Lazy heat is swimming in my bloodstream thanks to the alcohol.
My body is already exhausted from practice earlier. I’m emotionally drained too, from the encounter with my mom.
I sink down in the center of the court, not caring the ground is cold and hard. There’s no way I can drive. No way I could do that to Sydney or live with myself if I took a stranger’s life the way someone took my dad’s. I’m going to have to call someone to come pick me up.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, when another car pulls up. I roll my head to one side so I can look and see, too lazy to actually turn my whole body around.
Finn climbs out, followed by Mark. Jordan. Grace. McKenzie. A second car arrives, spilling out more of my friends. Finn approaches me first. “Figured you’d be here.”
I grunt, trying to decide how I feel about them all being here. I wanted to be alone. But I’m sick of it too.
“Started the party without us?” he asks, spotting the bottle.
I wouldn’t call this much of a party. Graham’s study thing was livelier. “I guess.”
More of the group filters over. Jordan sets up a speaker and pop music starts blaring. It’s better than sitting alone in silence, but I’m not really in the mood to party, either. Most of my friends respect that, smiling at me but not approaching.
Most of the guys start playing a pickup game. Grace comes and sits beside me. A few of the other girls follow her over.
“Hey,” Grace says.
“Hey.” I run a finger along the edge of the whiskey bottle.
“I’m worried about you, Holden.”
“Don’t be. I’m fine.”
“You’re drunk on a Monday night.”
“I had a shitty day.”
“Right.” She sighs. Things between us were never good, but they’ve been bad as of late. No matter how drunk I get, I can’t seem to stomach touching a girl who isn’t Cassia, so I haven’t had sex in weeks. I know Grace wants to think we were ever more than that, but we really weren’t. She’s stopped pushing anything physical and tried to be here for me as a friend. The problem is, we never were.
So I’m perpetually disappointing Grace.
Perpetually disappointing a lot of people.
Grace doesn’t make any more attempts to talk to me. She chats with the other girls instead, while I lean back on my palms and stare off into space.
I’m buzzed enough zoning out is peaceful, not boring. I tip my head back and stare up at the stars, trying to trace patterns in the constellations twinkling overhead.
It got completely dark out when I wasn’t paying attention. That’s how all the days have felt lately—like they’re over minutes after I’ve woken up. A constant cycle with no clear start or end.
At first, I think the stars are falling. But then I force my eyes to focus. A snowflake lands on the back of my hand, melting as soon as it touches my skin.
Usually I hate snow. It’s a pain to clean the truck and shovel the steps. Means I can’t play out in the driveway and turns into a mess.
But there’s something peaceful and mesmerizing about watching it fall. The ground isn’t frozen, so it disappears as soon as it touches the earth, dissipating as if it was never there in the first place. Like magic.
A third car arrives at the court, headlights cutting through the darkness and illuminating the lazy drift of a few snowflakes before they shut out. I squint at the car, then glance at the court. No one is missing. Maybe they’re kids from Ridgemont?
Two figures reach the edge of the court. Familiar figures.
This time, I sit up. My body is sluggish, my movements slow.
Fuck.
I don’t want her to see me like this. Don’t want either of them to see me like this. Sydney walks over first, with Cassia right behind her.
