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“We have instructions to install it first thing,” one of the maintenance guys said uncertainly, while the other caught sight of Holt’s photocopied balls pinned to the board behind Grace’s head and eyed them with an intrigued look.
“What do you guys do here?” he asked curiously.
“Instructions from who?” Tim rounded on the two maintenance workers, almost snarling.
The guy just shrugged with a baffled expression. “Look, man, we just—”
“Take it away.” Tim turned back to the delivery woman, red in the face. “Return to sender. Delivery refused by recipient. We will not be signing for this.”
She just rolled her eyes and turned to leave. After a pause, the maintenance guys sighed and picked the sign back up to heave it out of the office.
Tim turned to face the rest of us, all watching quietly. He took an unsteady breath and smoothed his hair back from his face, trying to appear composed.
“There will be serious consequences for whoever is responsible for all of this. This is… gross misconduct. Grounds for immediate termination—”
“Is that your call to make?” someone asked. “Isn’t Tamsin the only one who can fire any of us?”
Tim turned purple. “This is officially an HR matter,” he snapped, stomping back over to the pile of photocopies now scattered all over the floor. “Get to work. All of you.”
As people started drifting to their desks, Simon from IT emerged from the men’s restroom carrying several more copies. He eyed Tim, then cleared his throat.
“Uh… someone’s drawn di—um, male… reproductive… penile appendages on all the mirrors in there,” he said tentatively, wincing when Tim started to vibrate with fury.
“I’ll call the janitor’s office.” Grace scrambled for her desk phone.
“My keyboard’s missing,” someone called from their cubicle.
“So’s my monitor,” someone else piped up.
“My entire desk is gone.” Gary was standing at the entrance to his cubicle with a baffled look. “What the hell? Where is it?”
Oh god. I was suddenly picturing Seb dutifully picking up Gary’s desk at Holt’s order and carrying it out of the office, while Holt, Larkin and I snickered and grabbed various items from cubicles to hide.
Where the fuck had we put it all?
“I’m not missing anything,” Simon from IT piped up, “but this has been left on my desk.”
He was brandishing an empty jar. I stared at it in horror, a new memory forming as I watched him unscrew it and peer in, then jerk his head back as his entire face scrunched up into a disgusted grimace.
Larkin had farted into that jar.
Oh my god. What was wrong with us?
“Jesus Christ.” Simon was hurriedly screwing the lid back on and chucking the jar in his trashcan. “Okay, what the fuck happened in here last night?”
“I’ve been telling Tamsin we need security cameras installed after the almond milk incident a few weeks ago,” Tim was saying through clenched teeth, still grabbing photocopies of Holt’s balls from various places around the office.
“Okay, folks.” Chase chuckled, holding up his hands. “I think that’s enough excitement for one morning. Someone had a bit of fun, but let’s get back to it. We’re gonna smash this quarter, right? Let’s get those sales up!”
“I don’t have a desk,” Gary reminded him.
“And my mouse is gone,” Sayed from Sales added.
“Becky and I will go and look in the supply closet for spares,” Mindy said, and the pair of them left their cubicle, still whispering with amusement to each other.
“Gosh.” Lance chuckled, sitting down at his desk. Still ready to start the day, as if he hadn’t just walked into the office on a Tuesday morning and been faced with a sea of strange testicles. “Quite a morning, eh, bud? But you know what I always say…”
Slowly, I turned and stared down at him. My adrenaline was still flowing from witnessing what we’d got up to in the office this time. My palms were clammy, heart beating faster than normal.
