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It never felt right. My body didn’t feel like my own. But now, I can’t help but think maybe this was a way the universe gifted me something.
“I love you, Adrian. If this is something you want then I’m open to discussing it.”
A tear falls from his face, and I hastily wipe it away as he begins to cry. His body unfolds as he leans on my shoulder.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
My arms wrap around him, hugging him tightly. He isn’t one to get emotional, so this is fairly new to me.
“I was so scared you’d be pissed at me over this. I was terrified of losing you.”
His hand fists my shirt, and he pulls me close, using me as his anchor.
“Babe, you’re never going to lose me.” I pull his face to look at mine. “I’m yours. You can always talk to me. Our lives will always have challenges whether it has to do with me being trans or just the day to day stuff. I’m here for us to talk it through together.”
He lets out a shaky breath as his lips meet mine. My heart hurts that he thought he couldn’t open up to me about this. I mentally scold myself for dismissing the idea before even talking to my significant other about it. I am sure there are doctors who specialize in this and can help make it happen without me having to give up part of who I am.
“Is this why you’ve been quiet the past few days?”
I know some things aren't easy to talk about, but I figured his silence was because he was taking in all of the change. I never thought to ask him if there was more to it and I feel terrible now.
“Last night, when you and Laney were fighting, something just hit me. It’s going to sound ridiculous, but when Havoc and I pulled the two of you apart, I thought ‘I will no doubt have to do this with our child if they are anything like Ki’. It got me in my feels, so I didn’t sleep much at all.”
“Babe.” I pull him back against my chest, his body blanketing mine as we lay down in the bed together. I hold him close and stroke his dark brown hair, pulling back the loose curls, letting him know I’m not going anywhere.
It may sound insane, but when he snuck off with me at Evie’s wedding and didn’t react to me being trans, I felt like I had finally found a home. He shared his body with me like he loved me for exactly who I was, and I have never felt as accepted as I did in that moment. A close second was when Laney invited us here and didn’t react to me telling her my truth.
Being here with Adrian feels like this is where we were meant to be. I know Havoc and I joke around, and he pretends he hates when I flirt with Laney, but I feel accepted here. I feel at home.
I can see no better place to raise a child than in a home full of people who love and support me, our love, and our child.
Of course, I’ll have to talk to Laney, and we’ll probably need to build somewhere else on the property. For the first time since I left my family, I realize I don’t actually want to go back. I don’twant to deal with judgment in a world where I have worked harder than any other man in my father's organization, just to be treated like someone lesser. Their disrespect was staggering. I would have left a while ago if it weren’t for the love of my mother, but even she let me go this time.
So, it’s time I do the same. As I kiss Adrian, becoming consumed with his love for me, I decide this is the only place I want to be.
???
I think the universe is finally on my side. When Adrian and I head out of our room for lunch with Laney and the guys, they look like they have something they want to tell us.
At first, I worry we’ve overstayed our welcome or that I might be banned from drinking in the house ever again. But Laney hugs me good morning and those thoughts vanish into thin air.
“We need to talk to you guys,” Laney says as we take a seat at the table. Arrow normally fixes breakfast, and Adrian and I make dinners. I’m not surprised to see breakfast being served at noon though. I could feel Laney’s studded lingerie when we were grappling. I bet these kids had fun last night. A lot more fun than I had puking on the bathroom floor.
“What’s up?” I ask, piling pancakes onto my plate as we all pass around food.
“So, long story short,” Laney starts, “Arrow’s mother is trying to kill us.”
I pause with my fork halfway to my mouth. “What the fuck?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry, we have a plan. But we really need some backup and since I know you and Nessa were neck and neck in the sharpshooting ranks, I thought maybe you could help us out?”
I shove the food in my mouth as the initial shock subsides. We are part of the underworld, so I guess this is a normal breakfast discussion.
“Question,” Havoc says, raising his hand. I nod to him because I’m curious to see what he has to say.
“Do you guys consider it murder if you say sorry afterwards?”
I shrug as I swallow and take a big drink of coffee. “If you say it before their soul leaves their body, I’d say you’ve got a clean slate.”
