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‘Great blue eyes, staring back at me, so wild how I can crack your smile, tears stain your porcelain cheeks, how apologizes feel meaningless when there is no reversing this mistake. I only wanted to be your everything, not another haunting memory.’
“I just don’t know if it’s a chorus or bridge.” He adds.
Tears sting my eyes as I realize they are about me.
How I wish things were different. I don’t want to inspire him to write sad stuff. I want him to write happy stuff about me, about us. I want this all to be different.
“Beautiful.”
“It’s a work in progress. Your turn.”
‘Recoil like I’ve been shot. Fall to the floor, as my heart falls apart. Gave it all I had, for you, just to lose. Just to lose it all like a bad bet on a good man. They say nothing last forever, but I’d give it all for one more day spent with a good man, with your name. Stay. Stay away. We go.
Recoil like I’ve been made of filth and regret. Falling apart again, my heart can’t take much more. Gave it all I had for you, just to lose, just to lose it all like a bad bet on a good man. They say nothing lasts forever, but I’d give it all for one more day spend with a good man, with your name, stay, stay away, we go.
We go down in history as the greatest thing to happen to me, Short lived little fantasy of a good man, with bad luck and a sad girl. Should’ve just stayed, stayed, away, we go down.
Recoil like a gun going off, fall to the floor as my heart breaks apart. Gave it all I had for you, just to lose, just to lose it all like a bad bet on a good man. They say nothing lasts forever, but I’d give it all for a chance at it, spent with a good man, with your name. Stay, stay, away we go down in history.’
He doesn’t reply for a few minutes, and I wonder if it’s bad or maybe he is busy with Haley drama.
“I never meant to hurt you. I really wanted to be different. I wanted to be good for you. It breaks my heart to be putting you through all this. I really fucked it all up.”
“Wes. It’s okay. You are still the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“I just wish it could’ve lasted longer.”
“Me too.” I reply before tossing my phone across the couch. Sue looks up.
“Bad news?”
“No. Just over the conversation.”
“Wes?” I simply nod. “You know it doesn’t have to be over necessarily. You could be a stepmom.” She lets out a little chuckle at it though.
I’m glad she finds my suffering amusing. But she is right. Me as a stepmom? What a nightmare.
“Haley will just make things harder than they have to be.”
“Yeah, she does seem like that kind of girl. Maybe it’s for the best, anyway.”
“What does that mean?”
“You weren’t really getting better, Abbey. At least not for the right reasons, like I said. If your recovery is solely based on one person, you aren’t really better.”
“I ate lunch without a problem.” I challenge.
“You are just eating to get to 120 pounds, to get your freedom and be right back to it.” She presses firmly. “I’m not an idiot Abbey.” I have nothing to say to that. She isn’t wrong but I can’t admit that. “And we will end up right back here, or worse, all because you feel like suffering.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say firmly. I mean, she kind of does, but I can’t really let on to that, can I?
“So, explain it. It’s clearly not about being skinny. You are jealous about girls who are bigger than you after all. So what? Do you have a death wish?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. I’m not in the mood to explain myself to her, partly because I don’t know the reason I do it either. I think it has to do with being in control, but I never thought about unpacking it. I like being hollow, feeling empty, and feeling my bones. It’s just what it is.
Sue sighs. “You have a chance of a lifetime. You have this amazing talent, you have a wonderful contract with a great label, you get to do what you love, and you just want to piss it away. It’s kind of frustrating.” She says.
“Good.” I say back. I toss my notebook to the floor and get up, marching down to my bunk.
