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I crawl into my bunk and bury my head in my pillow. I scream into it then start to cry.
Why am I like this? She has a point. I am extremely lucky but living your dream isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. I’ve beenbeaten. I’ve been raped. I’ve had my every move talked about for years.
Sure, I started to starve myself to be skinny but it has long since turned into something more. Maybe it is a death wish. Maybe it is a cry for help, one I’d just reject if offered anyways.
Mostly I think it has to do with control. I want control of my life back. Not just now, but before. I got tired of the label controlling who I dated, what my narrative was. I got sick of being a walking joke to the press. Tired of my love life being talked about constantly. Of having no privacy. I want control of my life back. Now. After. Always.
And maybe she is right. Maybe eating for Wes is not healthy but at least it was something. He was something amazing and I was willing to try to be better for him. What is so wrong with that? Some inspiration to fix myself. That sounds like a good thing.
Of course, it is all over now and I’m back to my original plan. Eating to get my freedom to not eat again.
So maybe she is also right that it is for the best. There is no way I could’ve kept it up. I was doing it for the wrong reasons, and it would’ve caught up with me. I would’ve fallen apart at some point. I’d lose my will to keep trying. I’d disappoint him, let him down, push him away. Eventually I would’ve lost him regardless.
Good things don’t happen to me.
And Wes deserves good things. He deserves better than me, better than Haley and better than anything I could’ve become.
We can’t be together. Not just because he might be having a kid with Haley, which I hope for his sake isn’t happening, but because he deserves better than me.
I sob into the pillow. I sob in mourning for the man I love, and having to let him go, which I fear might fucking kill me.
I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I know, Sue is calling me down for dinner.
“Bathroom.” I demand, holding my hand out for the key.
“Three minutes.” She counters. “Then dinner.”
“Another sandwich?”
“No. We stopped a bit ago. I got you a burger and fries. You said you’d eat anything I put in front of you.”
I roll my eyes and walk to the bathroom. I pee, wash my hands then sit down and eat.
I chew slowly, taking small bites. Sure, I’m eating to gain my freedom, but it still made me uneasy. Especially without Wes here to encourage me and distract me. It still made my heart race and my stomach twist in knots, waiting, expecting to throw it all up. Some habits die hard or not at all, in this case.
After I’m done eating, I grab my phone from where I threw it earlier. I see Wes has called and texted me a few times.
“Haley left.” One reads.
“I miss you.” Another says.
“I miss you too.” I reply.
“Can I come over?” He replies quickly.
I sigh. Yes, I want to see him but I know it’s a bad idea. We need to end things, like really end them. We need to stop with the texting, stop seeing each other, stop kissing, stop everything. We need to go back to before that first night when he helped me during my panic attack. We need to go back to not knowing each other, or at least act like we don’t.
But how I miss him.
“Let me ask.” I reply.
“Can Wes come over?” I ask, and Sue looks up at me. “Please.”
“Sure. You ate all your dinner.”
“Can we have some privacy?”
“Sure. I’ll go to my bunk.” She gathers her things. “I could use a nap as it is.” She hands the driver the bathroom key. “Use a condom.” She orders, walking past me to her bunk.
