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Sue brings me some water at some point and an ice mask for my eyes. She hands me Xanax.
“Sleep it off.”
I simply nod and wait for the Xanax to kick in so I can drift off to sleep.
seventeen
The next dayI stay hidden on my bus until sound check. I walk to sound check with my head kept low to avoid Wes, but he is nowhere to be seen. I’m thankful for his absence, even though it hurts, because seeing him would hurt more.
I go through sound check and then hide on my bus again until doors, when I hide out in my dressing room. Sue doesn’t pressure me to mingle, which I’m grateful to see. She is probably just happy I’m still eating without complaining.
She doesn’t get me a pick me up, but I still have some left from before and I fully plan on using the rest of it to get through this show. I need something to help numb the pain.
I do three bumps before taking the stage. I glance around for Wes, but again, I don’t see him anywhere. I’m grateful he seems to be avoiding me, too. I do see Ben, though. He hangs out by the side of the stage and gives me a smile when my eyes glance over him. I also spot Skylar, who is staring at me. I hadn’t spoken to him since the other night and really haven’t given much thought to his request to be friends. Though I might now, it would be really good to have a distraction.
I go through my twelve-song set list and do the two encore songs, then quickly rush back to my dressing room. I gather mythings then run to the bus. I see people standing around, but still no sign of Wes.
I’m sure he is hiding out too, trying to avoid me. That hurts but also made me feel like I meant something to him. I didn’t want him hurting, but I’m glad it wasn’t easy for him to move on.
Unless, he has already moved on.
Tears sting my eyes at the thought.
I climb up the stairs to my bus, drop my things on the couch, and walk down to my bunk, where I curl up and cry.
I miss him so much it hurts.
I don’t see Wes for the next three days. I’m grateful he is hiding out still, but it’s still hard to get used to. I had gotten very dependent on him in a short amount of time. Sue was probably right. It probably was unhealthy.
Luckily, I’ve been too depressed to have any panic attacks. Sue’s been keeping me dosed up on Xanax at night to avoid nightmares, and even getting to the stage has been easy. Well, maybe not easy, but not bothersome. I can’t panic about messing up on stage when all I can think about is missing Wes.
“Sound check.” Sue comments, interrupting my thoughts.
I walk off my bus with Sue behind me. I freeze when I see him. He is smoking a cigarette, and it takes me a second to notice he is standing next to a girl. He doesn’t turn to look my way. He just laughs at something the girl says.
“Shit.” Sue mutters behind me.
I freeze in my tracks for just a moment. I’m not prepared for the pain that overcomes me, feeling like I’ve been hit by a freight truck. My eyes burn as tears fill them.
Sue nudges me forward and I begin to walk again. Wes still doesn’t look my way, but I can’t peel my eyes off him. He touches the girl’s shoulder and I want to throw up.
Once inside the building, I start to b-line for the bathroom, but Sue grabs my arm and steers me toward the stage.
“Just run through a few songs. You can fall apart on the bus. I will get you a pick-me-up,” She whispers in my ear. “Don’t let them see you fall apart.”
I don’t know how I get through sound check, but I do. I know I stumble over a few words and lose track of my parts because I can only think about Wes and that girl.
She is pretty, curvy, but skinny. She has blonde hair and I’m starting to think he has a thing for blondes, something I am not. She is everything I’m not. She had a nice set of tits, bigger than mine, I’m sure he is glad about that.
Once they dismiss me from sound check I quickly exit the venue. Wes is nowhere to be seen and I’m both grateful and terrified. Grateful because the tears are already spilling from my eyes, and terrified he is off with that girl somewhere.
I get on my bus and go straight for my bunk. I crawl into it and bury my head in my pillow.
Everything hurts. My whole body aches. My stomach. My bones. My heart. It all hurts.
I knew he would eventually move on, but I was hoping not to have to witness it.
I want him to move on to someone better, but I just can’t stand to see it. I was hoping it would happen after this tour so I wouldn’t have to see it happen. I was hoping it would take longer than a few days for him to get over me too.
