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“God damn it, Abbey, why can’t you just let yourself be happy?” I shrug. “You’re going to regret this.” I shrug again,unable to speak. “Fuck.” He yells. “Whatever. Goodnight.” He turns and starts to walk away again.
I watch him walk onto his bus, fighting back tears, before climbing onto my bus. Sue waits at the table with a sandwich on the table in front of her.
“I thought I was going to have to go looking for you. Your sandwich.” She nods to the sandwich.
“No. I’m not eating.”
The idea of eating while rolling did not sound like a good idea.
“Yes, you are.”
“Please no. I’m high as a fucking kite right now. Please. I will eat two breakfasts but please don’t make me eat right now. I will throw up.” I realizing I’m talking extremely fast, and she just looks at me.
“Fine. What are you on? Meth?”
“Ecstasy and coke.”
“Okay. The coke I got you, right?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“And who gave you the ecstasy?”
“Skylar.”
“Okay. No Xanax tonight.” I go to say something, but she cuts me off. “We don’t need you overdosing.”
I spend the next two hours listening to music and pacing the bus. Sue sits up with me but doesn’t say a word.
The high is slowly starting to fade, and I crawl into my bunk. The bed feels so comfortable and cozy. I stretch out on it.
I miss Wes immensely. I wish I could explain to him that I would do anything to be the girl he deserved but he didn’t need me or my problems weighing him down.
I’m better off with someone like Skylar. He wouldn’t try to fix me. He probably wouldn’t care if I ate or not. He’d probably not think anything of it if I ran off to the bathroom after every meal.
He’d have fun self-destructing with me.
But I’d never love him. I would never stop loving Wes. As long as I live, I will be in love with Wes. I’m quite certain he is the only one I will ever love.
I lay in bed, still too wired to sleep. I just listen to music until I eventually pass out.
eighteen
I wakeup the following day feeling a little drained. My jaw hurts, and I’m sure it’s because I was grinding my teeth. Ecstasy makes you do that, but otherwise, I feel fine.
I walk down to the common area and find Sue on the phone.
“Bathroom?” I ask, holding out my hand. She drops the key in my hand and raises three fingers as if I didn’t know the rules by now.
I pee, wash my hands, wash my face, and head back to her. I hand her back the key and get to making myself some toast and coffee.
“Double breakfast.”
“So, four pieces of toast.”
“I could order something.”
“No. Toast is fine.”
