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I pushed the thought out of my mind and kept walking, finding vintage train destination boards and bright orange furniture from the 1970s. I tried to admire the antiques around me, but the truth was, all I could think about was Helen.
And finally, my phone rang. My heart thumped as I answered.
“Hello?”
39
EMMA
Helen was awake but groggy when we were finally allowed to see her.
I’d stayed strong through the car ride and as we were led down the endless white corridors to a room with six beds in it, but as soon as I saw Helen propped up on two pillows and covered with a white hospital blanket, I was so relieved I cried.
The last time I’d been in a room like this, it had been my mom in the bed. She’d had another round of surgery and looked more frail than Helen did, and blinked at me like she didn’t recognize me. The nurse told me it was only the anesthetic and that I shouldn’t worry, but I knew in my heart that I was losing her.
And sure enough, a few days later, she was gone.
Helen at least looked somewhat like herself, even though her eyes were closed. She opened them halfway when I squeezed her hand and looked at me through heavy eyelids.
“Emma,” she said, her voice croaky. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I smiled through my tears.
“Of course I’m here,” I said. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay,” Helen murmured. Her eyes were unfocused, just like my mom’s had been, but I didn’t have the same ominous feeling this time.
“Did they say when you’ll be allowed to go home?” Xavier asked.
“As soon as they release me,” Helen said. She let go of my hand and pushed the blanket down, showing us the top half of her hospital gown. The surgeons had already done the reconstruction and while it was hard to tell since she was wearing clothes, judging by the symmetry of her new breasts, it looked like they’d done a good job. “How do they look?”
“Fantastic,” I said. “Better than ever. Don’t they, Xavier?”
Xavier looked away uncomfortably, but when I raised my eyebrows, added, “They look great.”
Helen leaned back on her pillow and smiled.
“I’m so relieved. I’ve been having nightmares that they’d forget to do the reconstruction, or that one would be three sizes bigger than the other.”
“Now all you need to do is heal, and we can give you new nipples,” I said, hoping the idea would lift her spirits.
“That sounds wonderful,” Helen said, and dropped her head back against the pillow. “I’ll have to follow your example and get three hot lovers.”
“Three lovers?” Xavier murmured. “I’m starting to think this is something we should talk about.”
I sighed as we moved to the door and the nurse fussed over Helen. I knew he was right; I’d slept with all three men, and although I’d been distracted by Helen and Nathan, I knew we couldn’t put off talking about it forever. All the same… did we have to do itnow?
“Can’t we get Helen home first?” I asked, but Xavier wasn’t going to be put off that easily.
“What doyouwant with us?” he asked. “Honestly?”
I bit my lip — it was such a hard question to answer, but the truth was, it had been playing on my mind every night as I tried to sleep. I wanted things to stay the way they were, without us needing to have difficult conversations. But even though that’s what I wanted, I knew it was unrealistic. If we didn’t set boundaries, someone was going to get jealous, or hurt.
And thelastthing I wanted to do was hurt Xavier, Jackson or Adrian.
“I want all three of you,” I admitted. “All of this,” I gestured to Helen, “has made me realize that none of us know how much time we’ve got left.”
His face stayed expressionless, and I looked at the ground.
