AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Fuck, can I just stop ruining everything?
“Breathe, Dakota,” he barks out, snapping me out of my spiral when his big hands land on my shoulders and squeeze.
“Can you just tell me what's wrong?” My voice comes out weak and shaky. I hate it. I hate that my trauma manifested inthis earth-shattering anxiety that takes over me. It makes me feel like I’m not in control of my emotions…like there’s this cloud inside my mind that expands and takes over.
He nods, crouching down so we are at eye level, “Rodrigo Sandoval broke out of prison last night.”
And just like that, my world shatters.
???
It’s midnight and I am sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a glass of straight vodka and contemplating life. I don’t drink often, and usually only a cider or a glass of wine. But today feels like I can drink and not be judged for that choice. It feels like drinking would be justified right about now.
Rodrigo is free.
Just the idea sends a shiver down my spine, a cold dread that makes the vodka seem almost warm by comparison. He’s out there somewhere and I don't doubt he is searching for me.
It’s only a matter of time before he shows up and takes me…kills me…or worse.
If he finds out about Aiden, everything I have worked for will go up in flames. The whole point of this protection detail was to ensure that Rodrigo never ever found out that I gave birth to Aiden. We were relentless. I had a home birth so I avoided doctors and hospitals. I have upended our lives and moved us multiple times for no reason other than Spencer saying it was time. I have never had friends or roots of any kind. I prioritize my son. I will always prioritize him.
The problem with my anxiety is that it always happens like this. It starts small, a whisper of doubt here, a flicker of worry there, until suddenly it's all I can think about. It wraps aroundmy thoughts like ivy, clinging and invasive, making it hard to focus on anything else.
Physically it starts in my stomach, this knot of nerves that twists tighter with every breath. It feels like I've swallowed a block of ice, cold and heavy, sitting right there in the pit of my stomach. Then there's the way my heart decides to go on a sprint, pounding against my ribs as if it's trying to break free.
My hands get clammy and start to shake a little. It's like they've got a mind of their own, betraying my attempt to appear calm and collected. Holding a cup of coffee or typing out a message becomes a challenge, my fingers trembling with the effort to perform the most mundane tasks.
And breathing? It's like I forget how to do it properly. My breaths come shallow and quick as if I'm trying to catch my breath after a sprint. Sometimes I have to stop and consciously remind myself to breathe in and breathe out, in an attempt to slow my racing heart.
So yeah…my therapist would be pleased to know I’m coping through a glass of vodka. Que sarcastic tone.
I sigh and bring the glass up to my lips draining the glass in one go and relishing in the way it burns my throat.
“You ok?” A deep voice asks, causing me to jump like a scared child.
Glancing up I see Maddox leaning against the kitchen counter with a concerned expression. How such a large man was able to enter the room so quietly is beyond me. He’s a fucking ninja…or something. He's also the most outwardly frightening of the three guards. I think it's the way his face is permanently in a frown. I’ve only ever seen him smile at Aiden. Even when his friends crack jokes his lips barely budge. He just seems to embody the whole tall dark and handsome bad boy vibe.
“I’m fine,” I reply automatically. His question almost made me want to laugh. Not because it's funny, but because I’m sofar from okay that I'm practically orbiting a different planet. But saying that out loud? Yeah fucking right. That's not happening. I have decided that I want to live in denial for the foreseeable future.
Slowly Maddox enters the kitchen and grabs a glass from the cupboard before sitting down across from me. Without a word, he fills his glass with vodka and then pours more into mine.
I raise a brow at him in question but he just shrugs, “I get to sleep in tomorrow.”
I chuckle and lift my glass to my lips, taking a smaller sip and letting it warm my body. We fall into silence, sipping our drinks and just being present. It feels nice to have someone here with me. I don’t often realize how lonely my life is until I’m around other people. It’s like I can handle being alone when I don’t realize it. But then someone…usually one of my guards….will sit down and talk to me. Those moments have loneliness flooding me and realization sets in that this is my life…I’m twenty-five and have no friends. No social life.
Except for some reason, there’s a weird peaceful comfort in the silence that surrounds Madd. He just kind of fills the entire space with his presence and surrounds me with a feeling of…I don't know. It’s like I can just be myself and he wouldn't ever judge me.
Ugh. I need to stop my fucked up thoughts before I spiral.
“When I was a kid,” Maddox begins, my gaze flying to him to see him staring into his glass with a focused expression, “my dad used to hurt my mom. My sister and I used to hide away in my room and listen. But I’ve never felt so powerless. Like such a failure for not protecting mom. I…I used to blame myself. How could I not be stronger? Why didn't I fight or stand up for her? I was so mad at myself for so long…I was just trapped in my own head, blaming myself and thinking that nothing could ever go right. All I could think was that…it was all my fault.”
“But it wasn’t your fault,” I whisper, looking at him with my brows furrowed. I hate that for him. I hate that he had to endure that kind of pain and that he thinks for even a second it's his fault. He was a child subjected to adult abuse.
Maddox looks at me with a serious expression and slowly he nods, “You're right. Because other people’s shitty actions aren't the fault of the victim. The only person to blame is the piece of shit who thought it was okay to hurt another person.”
It hits me right in the chest… what he isactuallysaying. His situation isn't the same as mine but it is similar…the pain that comes from someone taking advantage of you or someone you love is…indescribable. I’ve worked for years to find a way to stop blaming myself but for some reason…this is the first time that I truly believe it.
Maddox opening up and sharing his story was hard. I can see that all over his face as he continues to look at me with that serious expression. But his vulnerability and his understanding is something I never knew I needed. I justneededone person to understand me and to tell me that it wasn't my fault. Not a therapist who is paid to do it or my brother who loves me too much to place the blame on me. No…I needed Maddox to do it.
