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—Cookie left with Tamara and Lorenzo, you'll see her in Nevada.
-Good.
—I'm going to miss you, but I'll see you again.
-I don't believe it.
With anger that I don't understand where it comes from, I close the door and make Lorenzo get going to take us to the airport. I take refuge in the arms of my best friend who begins to caress my head slowly, I allow myself to cry because right now my emotions are a mess that he couldn't stop.
I didn't want to leave, I just wanted to stay.
And I go back to that moment when I thought that I shouldn't be selfish, I saw it as too easy, take my suitcase and leave to save my friend and let the Marinos clear the territory, so we could return without believing that we are going to die in a blink of an eye.
I stay in David's arms for a long time, until the truck stops and Lorenzo is in charge of unloading everything so he can drive us to the check-in area. I walk hand in hand with my brother, the one who is unprotected, who doesn't have a lick of knowledge about weapons like me. Although what I know is little, it is very useful for this type of contest where anything can happen and more than one can fall.
—What happened to your ribbon?
"I left it," I sniff. Listen, I didn't want to leave, I have a lot of mixed and mixed feelings now that I just wanted to feel safe in a place that was already my home, that was already my place to feel full and protected —I wipe my cheeks—. I don't know, I feel like this is not right.
-Because?
—I don't know, I just feel like it's not the right decision, I understand Salvatore's points, but...
—You feel the same way that it is not right—we take a seat on the metal chairs—. You can tell him to leave you at some hidden point in Calabria, I'm leaving because I'm a brute Emily, they'll kill me at any moment.
I sigh frustrated , that's what my head doesn't understand, right now I want thousands of things at the same time that I don't know which option to fight for to get what I want.
—I'm not going to be so selfish, although I am very fond of him, I know that I can't leave you alone because that could give them a way to attack you —I reflect—. And if I stay in Calabria it is very likely that they will find me easier, to find me in Nevada they would have to travel, that would take up a lot of their time and it is time that they can occupy, but Alessio would attack in the same way to keep both Salvatore like me entertained without the possibility of taking a step in this war.
"I understand," he snorts. So I don't know how to help you sister, I can only tell you that I will be here to listen to you and you can catch me on the flight if you don't want to leave right now.
—He's going to take me out of the house, he doesn't want me with him right now.
Time passes very slowly, I sit in my chair thinking because the nearest flight leaves in an hour. When I manage to calm down I understand that if he doesn't want me near him it is to avoid what has happened to Leone constantly, maybe seeing me dead before his eyes is more heartbreaking than I want to think and maybe if they kill me outside of his range hurts less. Don't know.
My feelings and that soft person that still lives inside me only wants him to talk about everything that happened, however, I can't anymore because the time arrives to board the plane and Lorenzo gets on with us so he can show us our seats. They chose different ones, we are dispersed, the nice thing is that I got the window.
I arrange my things, take a seat and listen to the instructions of the flight attendant who explains what to do in cases of emergency. My head is so lost that I don't take the time to see who gets on, who puts away their suitcases or who laughs in the back seats, I just lean my head against the window allowing me to see part of the land where the plane rests.
After a couple of minutes in which the plane is filling up with people, they tell us to get ready because the plane will begin its journey. I have not the slightest interest in getting nervous about takeoff, since my head goes over the childhood moments, from the most beautiful to the most painful.
—I don't want him to have another family! —I shouted at my mother—. I don't want you to cry, I don't want you to be with him if he prefers other people.
—Honey, he only looks for them, but he doesn't love them like we do.
-That's a lie! She loves being with Maxim, what about me?
—Honey, he loves you, he will always be your father, in the same way you will always have me for yourself.
-Because? —I couldn't stop crying, something inside me was breaking into pieces and the most painful thing was seeing that my mother didn't want to do something about it so that this torture would end for me—. Why do I always have to be everyone's second choice?
"Don't say that, Emily!"
"It's true." I felt my chest hurt, it was filling with pain. My friends always choose the most popular ones, the ones who have more money than us, you always choose dad first and he will always choose them before me. I am always the last option, I will always be the second table dish.
—Don't say that, darling, I...
—Don't worry, love it, choose it. I do not matter. Pick whoever you want, I don't matter.
