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I have to kill Alessio.
I have to take care of my brothers.
I have to protect Emily.
I have to earn money from my work.
I have... I have... I have... I have...
I rub my hair using both hands and its ribbon falls to the ground, I stare intently remembering how the sea that afternoon was stained red by my parents' blood. The dark, intense, delicate sea blue with its impregnated smell makes me travel to a point in my life that continues to hurt me.
I am not the same as before, everyone undergoes changes, and I was no exception although my changes went from bad to worse.
???
She was enjoying the company of her best friend and my sister who are no longer separated for anything. I made the meal in my own office thinking about the thousands of things that I would have to take care of and how I would accomplish each one. At night I can't close my eyes, I stay on the second floor where the noise reaches less and where I have higher views of everything that makes up my house and its surroundings.
Without a shirt and wearing black pants, I put on my sports shoes and leave my room to find something in the kitchen. It's everything that calms me down and I'm not referring to dishes loaded with spices and sauces, sweet things bring me calm, desserts take me to memories that make me want to go back to bed so I can continue remembering the old times.
The service is asleep right now, the house behind us is for all of them who prefer to stay because their houses are too far away or they ultimately have nowhere to go.
I find a couple of fruits in the refrigerator, I go and look for hazelnut cream, whipped cream and a little of the colored sprinkles that I keep at the bottom of the shelves that are tall and wooden. I cut up the fruits, put it in the bowl and add any extra things I found.
I grab a fork so I can go to my room and continue torturing myself until I see her holding herself against the kitchen island. She has a braid that she adjusts over one side and the small blouse only touches the middle of her thighs.
-You need something?
—Water, it's hot in my room.
—It's because of the season.
I set my snack on the polished marble island and turn to find the glass. I fill it up by adding two ice cubes, turn around and he's licking his fingers.
—What are you doing touching my food?
“The red berries are cold,” he barely smiles. I'm sorry.
-Are you hungry?
—Not so much, I can survive with my glass of water.
I hand it to him, he licks his lips to remove any trace of whipped cream, and I go back for all the utensils. She stands there drinking every last drop, she takes care of washing the glass and putting it to dry while I make her the damn plate with all the amount of sugar I consume at this hour.
-Are you OK?
He asks me, taking me a little out of my zone.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
She drags the stool to sit and watch me put the cream on the strawberries, blackberries and raspberries.
—Maybe words don't come to you, but your entire body expresses what you keep silent about and I can tell that you are not comfortable and I'm not talking about your day, the temperature or even me, I'm talking about your entire life —he assumes—. I wasn't very convinced of my life either until I started challenging myself all the time, doing something different, trying something different and that... That changes things.
"I have things to take care of and they're nothing like paperwork, taking calls, or handing my work to my boss," I explain. I am my own boss, I am in charge of moving all the people who are inside this place and I am also in charge of my family.
I finish sprinkling the colorful sprinkles on the fruits, extend the plate to him and hand him a fork.
—Can you accompany me? I don't like to eat alone.
