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I look at her for a few seconds and don't say anything, I just grab my things so I can walk around the kitchen island, pull up the stool and sit next to her.
—Don't you like what you are? -Ask-. I don't know how much you enjoy life.
—Emily —I whisper—; I lost everything that I hoped would last me for years, it was ripped away from me and I don't understand how the fucking world believes that it shouldn't affect me, that one should continue and act as if nothing had happened. It affects me because I was not ready for all this change, I was not prepared to weigh the weight that comes with being here.
—Did they do that?
"They wanted me to come back, smile, play cards with them or talk about boys with Ginevra." I drop the fork into the bowl. They wanted me to forget, to let it go and keep the family together when it was not possible... they are missing, they are not here telling us what to do, playing pool, laughing with us and I don't see my mother comforting us. I do not see them!
He doesn't tense up, he tries to listen to me and runs his fingers over his lips to remove traces of food.
—The two parties wanted them to act in a certain way since you kept everything...
—It was my obligation.
—Well, maybe they don't see it that way, they believed that they were going to grieve at the same time, they believed that they were going to stay united without giving weight to everything that their parents had left them in charge of and, above all, they would They left you.
I chew hard until I grind my teeth and realize there is nothing in my mouth anymore. I pick more to entertain myself.
—Why does Leone have a weakness for children?
The question is asked a little out of context, but I answer it because it is the only thing that keeps me calm. His voice is a kind of tranquilizer.
"He had an affair with one of the girls who works for the entertainment centers," I answer. And they fell in love, everything was fine until the most persistent battles on Alessio's part began, she was pregnant, they had the girl and they delayed giving her a name. They said they wanted something unique and one day while they were walking, Alessio ordered them to kill the woman and the girl, they couldn't name her, the baby died in my brother's arms.
His silence makes it clear to me that it was not what was expected. That's why we can't stop hating Alessio, he always takes refuge in his throne, he always lives off his joy while taking it away from us.
—And what is it that affects Domenico?
—I don't know, it's more complicated to read him since he has very twisted ideas about life, he believes that the life he is in will only consist of being what he is, he doesn't have a fixed personality —I comment—. And he has no problems, they thought he had multiple personality disorder and no... It's just that it's hard for him to change his mind, if he says your hair is blonde, it is what it is because that's how dad taught him. To be determined and... —I'm silent for a few seconds, I realize I'm talking too much. My soul feels calm because I do it, I release what was repressed in my being. Domenico made precise decisions, some very good and others that my father did not like. Although he was a man who taught us to be as a family, he had his flaws.
—Can I know more?
I run my fork around the edges trying to collect all the hazelnut cream and whipped cream so I can savor it later.
—Domenico made a decision that led him to become uninterested in being him, he said that he had had relationships with men and women, he likes threesomes although he loves women madly —I explain—. And when he told dad, he took him away from us for a week, until he came out we realized that he had hit him, he had burned the cigarettes on his back, he made him train all that week until he hurt his knuckles, he made him kill pigeons with the knife he loved until his room was full of dead pigeons and... That was the way he reformed Domenico.
"That's cruel," he comments, his voice thick and affected. If Domenico is only bisexual and has preferences with women although he likes to spend time with men in the perhaps sexual sphere, I don't see the problem.
"We weren't either, though, Dad was different," I lick my lips. And Domenico was no longer interested in being just him, he is just someone who exists, follows orders, takes care of his needs and works as he is told. That's what dad did to him, ask him if he has loved, if he has had relationships, ask him who he is and he has no answer.
I turn to see that she has left some fruit on the plate because clearly all the information fell with a lot of weight on her.
—What about Gin?
—She doesn't have much of a problem, we were always with her and the separation from her ex, Alessio, only made her cry for a few days and she got back together. I suppose that being away right now makes her be harder on us, it doesn't let us take care of her as much as before; nothing is like before.
"I understand, that's what I notice," he murmurs. How about you?
Wow, I don't even know how to approach the topic because it's something I've never been asked before. With women what they ask me is if I fuck well, if I have a big penis and if I carry a condom in my pocket. With men it's just about numbers and figures.
—I was a mother's boy who was pleased with everything and I learned to be a soldier. The children of'ndranghetistiare typically expected to follow in their parents' footsteps, going through a learning process during their youth that leads them to becomepicciotti onoratibefore going on to enter the organization asuomini d'onore.—I explain with a slight curl of my lips—. I got each position with the last drop of sweat and only that. I wasn't as affected because Dad hoped to build a man of honor and showed me how to be a leader, although I think I forgot that, right now I don't think I'm any of that because I'm in the dark. I do this and that, I protect this, I cover that, I watch this more, I attack at this point and it's a never-ending cycle because it's my job.
—I know, you don't have hobbies that really entertain you, they always have to do with work and it's not ideal—she puts her hands on her thighs—. Salvatore, all of you are affected at some point in your lives and I think your brothers thought that by coming into office you were going to make amends for them because it was your job as the person in charge of your family; On the other hand, there are you who thought that your brothers were no longer going to need you, that everything had to revolve around the business and that there was no more family. All of you have done poorly the job that corresponds to you because you believe that others are going to repair you and that is not the case.
—Are you a psychologist, Emily?
—I'm just trying to help, I don't think it was difficult for me to get along here because I can tell that none of you have a good idea of who you are and neither do I —he confesses—. Who are you Salvatore?
