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"Guys, go to the house with cookie," I point to the little dog. I must speak to Salvatore.
Everyone nods. Trixi and the brothers run off after the dog I just named. They have a competition to see who catches the puppy first, they go through the door and I am left alone with Salvatore, he is already putting his hands on my arms trying to calm me down.
—What is happening,princess?
—I think you remember what Oslon said about the photos and videos I had with my ex-boyfriend, right?
—Yes, I remember.
—Well, it's not something that only Apulia knows, that idiot made my photos reach the teachers and parents at the school, they have seen my body.
His body tenses, he leaves my arms to put one hand on his hip and another on his jaw, trying to lower the fumes and anger that is beginning to grow inside him.
—David fixed it, although that doesn't mean that they saw him, the thing is that the Rinaldis already detected my best friend and were following him, didn't his escort tell you anything?
—They mentioned a sighting of Rinaldi, but David had not said anything to his escorts about the photos or the disorder that had arisen, we assumed that it was just people following him because he is your friend.
—Well no, it was because the police helped him detect the movement and they took down the posts.
—Fucking mother.
He turns around, puts his hands on his neck and I sit on the steps of the front door trying to find that joy again in celebrating this day. I think there is nothing now, it disappeared. No matter how strong I want to make myself seem, I am not, because until now I am still fighting for none of this to affect me.
"I'm going to solve it," he promises, accompanying me up the stairs, taking a seat next to me. I'll do it, I'll make sure all of that goes away by tomorrow because I can do it. Leave it to me.
—How much longer will you keep fucking me, Salvatore?
—I don't know, love, no matter how much I want to, I can't be in his mind trying to figure out his movements, I can't.
"Okay, just do it," I sigh, tired and annoyed by Fabian's obsession and hatred for me. I hadn't had a car because Dad gave one to Maxim and she never let me borrow it, I was always late to school because of that. I had never had a dog because Fabian broke the necks of the cats that appeared, that was very cruel and I cried at night without them knowing, despite having the desire to have an animal - my eyes are starting to sting. And he had never bought me clothes because he said that a lady should always be a lady even in bed. Feeding my fantasies made me feel like a sinner, it made me feel like a bad girlfriend because I thought I should only honor and desire my boyfriend, when I really wanted to have another type of man who would do everything I wanted for me.
—Emily, he is no longer in your life and neither is your father, even if he screws you, you must take the step, love, or they will never stop screwing around in your head.
—I know, those photos don't make me sick, they just make me think that I've never really been protected and I haven't been protecting myself from those types of people either. After all, I'm still weak, I still need someone to help me defend myself because I can't do it alone, and all because no one told me what true love was — I start laughing, it's the only thing I have left. Nobody in my family made me create a good idea of what a real relationship was, and although I am not a very corny person, I like to love intensely. I like to enjoy without feeling sorry, I like to have confidence without fearing being betrayed.
He places his hand against my bare knee, I run my fingers through his fingers, which are very thick, and I detail the silver rings covering a little of the tattoos between his fingers. There is a cross, a rose and a scythe.
—Do you want to know what they mean?
-Yeah.
"When I have no one to trust, I will look at the sky receiving God's trust," he recites sternly. Although death breathes close to me, I will always know that life can also be beautiful like roses, that it can have colors and although my life is bathed in blood like its color, I will have something to love like many people love roses. Because what I do does not define me completely, a God, a death and the beauty of life is what accompanies me all the time, but do you know what matters in all this ink? —I raise my eyes waiting for a response—. Tattoos within the mafia are made to give messages, to sow power just by seeing them and defining a position. But what I think is that each tattoo or marks are part of a story, however, the only thing that will matter is what is here.
He places a finger against my chest pointing to my heart, he removes his finger so he can caress my face, my eyes are still moist.
—And who are you love? I don't think you are what you can see in an image, I don't think you are a walking trauma, I don't think you are this or that they say about you, because it will only matter what you say you are, and what is that?
"I still don't know," I confess sincerely. I think that someone who sometimes does not know how to set limits, who has desires, who is not a bad person and that my fantasies or my way of loving is not something sick, it is some type of love that also exists and that does not make me a bad person .
"Good," he comments proudly. If you are not a bad person and others want to see you as a bad person, why would you give them the pleasure of calling you that way? Why will you let them win in this battle that defines good and bad?
—Because... —I think about it for a few seconds—, I don't know. It has always been like this.
—And you weren't willing to change, to live differently? —I nod my head, letting reason hit me several times—. So don't stop, don't let others push you back as you move forward, because they are the ones who are really going to be left behind. And you,princessa, will be the only one who will grow up.
-I know.
I approach, leaning my head against his shoulder, he caresses my head while the sun bathes us in its warm rays while we are outside. As I had told Gin, I had marks that might never go away from my head, however, I could overcome and love those marks in order to continue.
