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With one last squeeze, she races past me while Vitaly sighs and yells, “Don’t run, Emily!”
Katya stops and looks like she wants to say something, but at the last second, she ducks her head and runs to catch up to Vitaly.
“She feels terrible about everything,” Matvey explains, walking into the elevator and hitting the button for the top floor. “She still blames herself for not being able to help you.”
“It’s not her fault. I never once blamed her.”
“We all told her you wouldn’t, but it’s not easy for her to believe.”
When the doors open and I see the wall of photographs, all I can do is stare. The men who have been with me since I was born, fill the frames in front of me, and as familiar as their faces are to me, the women they’re clearly head over heels in love with are complete strangers to me. It’s such a surreal feeling to be so completely on the outside of the only family I’ve ever loved and known.
Matvey sets me down, and I look at the photo in front of me. I run my eyes over my brother and then Vitaly, Lev, and Danil, before stopping at Matvey’s handsome face. He’s the only one who’s by himself in every single photo—a part of the group but also outside it. His smilesaren’t quite as big as everyone else’s, and I’m ashamed at how happy it makes me. It’s selfish and cruel to be happy that he was alone, but I know I couldn’t handle seeing him with another woman. I don’t want to know if there were women while I was away. I don’t want to know if he sought comfort in someone else’s arms. It would break me to know that he had, and I hate myself for it because I love him so damn much, and I don’t like the idea of him being miserable, but the truth is I’d rather he be miserable than with someone else, and god that makes me feel like a horrible person.
Ashamed of everything I’m feeling, I turn away to see two women staring at me from the kitchen. The penthouse is huge and the floor plan is open, giving me a view of the kitchen and living room and a set of stairs to the left. I recognize the women from the photos. One is Lev’s wife, and the other is Danil’s.
“Hi, I’m Simona,” Danil’s wife says, giving me a smile.
“I’m Jolene,” Lev’s wife says, adding in a small wave. “It’s so good to finally meet you, Alina.”
I smile at them as Matvey puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. I look up at him and whisper, “I really want a shower, Matvey.” Everything’s happening so quickly, and memories from earlier come crashing in. I feel disgusting and tired and unsure of my place here.
“Of course.” He kisses my head and starts to lead me to the set of stairs. “I’m going to get her situated. She’s exhausted and needs to rest.”
Jolene quickly says, “Let us know if you need anything at all.”
“Clothes or food or whatever you want,” Simona adds, keeping one hand on her pregnant belly. It’s hard to tell if Jolene is pregnant, but it looks like the guys didn’t waste any time starting families, and the idea of them all being parents soon is hard for me to wrap my brain around. The last time I saw them they were all bachelors and really fucking happy about it. So much has changed in two years.
I follow Matvey down the stairs, stopping to take off these ridiculous heels once we’re in the hallway. He points to a couple of doors, saying they're Danil and Simona’s, and then we walk past a game roomwith a pool table and a large couch, until finally stopping outside Matvey’s room. He opens the door, stepping aside so I can walk in, and what I see stuns me into silence.
Wrapping my arms around my body, I turn in a slow circle, seeing so many of my things mixed in with Matvey’s. There’s a bookshelf in the corner with all my favorite books, including the set of fantasy novels he’d gotten me for my eighteenth birthday. There are framed photos of us scattered throughout the room, and when I walk over to the closet, my clothes are mixed in with his.
“Matvey,” I whisper, turning around to look at him. He’s watching me, one hand gripping the back of his neck and an apprehensive look on his face like he’s waiting to see if I’ll break down again.
“I wanted you to have your things when we found you.” He gives me a soft smile and scrubs his hand along his jaw. “And surrounding myself with pieces of you made it a little easier to breathe.”
My throat tightens at his words, and my eyes start to fill with tears again. I want to run to him, to throw myself in his arms and never leave, but my skin burns with the memory of Konstantin and his brutal touch, and I want him off me. I feel tainted. I want a hot shower, and I want to scrub him away—two things that have been denied me for far too long.
“I want a shower,” I say, grabbing some of my clothes from the hangers. “I need to get clean.”
“Of course. Everything is already in there. Just holler if you need me.”
I nod and step into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me because I can’t bear the thought of anyone watching me, not even Matvey. He wasn’t lying about everything being in here. My favorite shampoo and conditioner are lined up on the shelf in the shower right next to his. He even has my body wash and the pink pouf I always used. I don’t know if it’s all the same or if he just bought everything new, and I don’t care. It’s so fucking sweet that I start crying again.
Turning the water on as hot as I can stand it, I quickly undress and step under the spray, drenching myself with the cleansing water. Grabbing the pouf, I cover it in body wash and spend the next severalminutes scrubbing myself from head to toe. I don’t stop until my skin is red and raw and the water grows tepid. Using the last of the warm water, I wash my hair, only stepping out when the water turns cold.
Wrapping myself in a towel, I grab the pink toothbrush that’s waiting for me right next to Matvey’s blue one. I brush my teeth until my gums are bleeding, and then I ignore the painful burn and use mouthwash. I want every trace of that fucker gone. When I’m as clean as I’m going to get, I pull on the comfy flannel pajama bottoms and the matching shirt. With my hair still damp, I step out of the bathroom, not at all surprised to find Matvey sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me. He lifts his head when he hears me, his dark eyes searching to make sure I’m okay.
“Roman’s out of surgery. He’s doing fine, but the doctor is keeping him sedated so he’ll sleep through the night. Emily freaked out and started having contractions, so she’s also on forced bedrest right next to him.”
“She’ll be okay though?”
“Yeah, he said she’ll be fine. She just needs to try and take it easy. Lev and Danil are going to stay there a while longer, and Vitaly said he and Katya needed to handle a very important errand, so there’s no telling what in the hell he’s up to.”
I’m still standing by the bathroom door with my arms wrapped around my chest, not quite sure what I should be doing when he stands and takes a step closer, stopping when there’s still a few feet between us.
“Do you think you could eat something?” His eyes run over me. “You’re way too thin, Alina. When is the last time you ate?”
I think about the bowl of plain oatmeal he made me eat on all fours this morning like a fucking dog and quickly shake my head, feeling it threaten to come right back up. “I’m not hungry.”
