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“Doing what?”
“Breaking up with him every time things get a little complicated. I can’t be with someone who’s that flaky. He promised me he wouldn’t do it again and he did. I can’t handle that. It hurt enough the first time and now...what kind of lifecan we have together if I can’t depend on him to be there when things get difficult? If I have to be afraid he’ll bolt whenever he gets scared?”
“I see what you mean,” she says with a sigh. “You have to do what’s right for you. Just maybe there’s more going on with Cooper than you realize?”
I narrow my eyes. “Like what?”
She shrugs. “Don’t know. That’s for you to find out.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk to him.”
Riley eyes me. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that the same dumbass behavior that led the two of you to spend nine years apart, and haven’t you regretted that ever since? And haven’t these last two months been the happiest of your life?”
I glance away and rub my eyes. “I don’t know if I can. He’s hurt me so much.”
“I know,” Riley says softly. “And I’m not saying it’s okay. And this might sound incredibly corny, but I still feel in my bones that you two are meant for each other. Relationships are never easy. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he needs your assurance that whatever happens he has you and you won’t go anywhere no matter how hard things get. I just think something is driving this behavior and it might be worth talking about.”
I look at her, the wheels in my head turning. Could that be it? Is he afraid I’ll leave him so he’s leaving me first? Why would he think that? After everything, after all we’ve been through, how much I love him? How could he ever think I’d leave?
“Didn’t your parents break up like a half-a-dozen times before they got engaged?” she asks.
I chuckle, remembering my mom telling me the stories. “Yeah, they did.”
“And they’ve been married for thirty five years. I’m just saying, if you really love him, and you believe he really loves you, maybe it’s worth another shot. I’m not saying it’ll be perfect. Norelationship is, but I do think you guys can be great. You don’t have to be okay with how he treated you. You can set boundaries. You can take your time. You can tell him you never want to see him again if that’s what you really want. Just don’t leave things the way you did last time, okay? You both need closure, whatever you do. And of course selfishly I’m hoping you’ll work it out because having the two of you back was amazing and I don’t want to go back to being friends with you guys separately because it was really hard. There, I said it.” She lets out a breath.
I give a small chuckle and pull her to me. We stay that way for a long moment before she pulls back and even though she tries to hide it, I see her wipe tears away with the cuff of her sweatshirt. I know this can’t be easy for her either. She was so excited to see us together again. But she’s right. I have to think of what is best for me, and I still have to decide if that means having Cooper in my life, or not.
COOPER
“Cooper?” I hear my mom’s voice and lift my head to see her staring at me and blinking.
“Mom?” I say, reaching over to take her hand. “How are you?” She has tubes in her nose, an IV in her hand, a blood pressure cuff around her upper arm and a pulse oximeter on her finger. She looks worn and pale, and her voice is weak but she manages a small smile.
“I’m okay, sweetheart,” she says although I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t tell me otherwise. She’s slept a lot the last several hours and the doctors have continued to administer pain meds but they’d told me that she was on her last leg. They are giving her 72 hours at the most. Three days. How can that ever be long enough for me to say goodbye? There’s been a constant ache inmy chest for the last two days and I haven’t slept at all. How can I, when I know she might be gone when I open my eyes again?
“How are you?” she asks.“You seem distant, sweetheart, and sad.”
“Mom, you’re in the hospital. Of course I’m sad.”
She shakes her head slowly. “Don’t lie to your mother, Cooper. I know it’s more than that. Tell me what’s wrong?”
Tears fill my eyes as I speak. “I can’t believe I let you down. I’m so sorry, Mom.”
She blinks at me. “What on earth are you talking about?”
I wipe my eyes. “All I do is mess up, Mom. It’s my fault Uncle Matt died, and it’s my fault we had to sell our house because I couldn’t make enough money to support us when you got sick, and it’s my fault that you are here now –”
“Stop it,” she says, with more firmness in her voice than I thought her capable of. My eyes meet hers again. “Don’t you dare say one more word like that.” Her voice is stern but there are tears in her eyes. “You listen to me, Cooper James Williams. You have never made me anything but proud. And I have never blamed you for anything that has or hasn’t happened in our lives, and don’t you dare for a single second blame yourself. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are brave and kind and good and selfless and I love you more than life itself.”
Tears fall down my cheeks at my mother’s words. I want so much for them to sink in and push away all my self-loathing and self-doubt. All the voices that tell me I’m not enough, will never be enough. But as hard as they push, the insecurity pushes back even harder, making me cling to my doubts and fears, to my guilt. “Mom, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I cry. “I can’t believe you. I want to, so badly, but I just can’t. I don’t know how to.”
She motions for me to come closer and when I do she strokes my cheek. “My beautiful boy,” she whispers. “Do you remember when your father left?”
I nod. How could I forget? I was only five at the time but the memory is seared into my brain like a bad dream. I can hear my parents talking, my mother urging my father to stay, not for herself, but for me. “He needs you, Charles,” she’d said. “Please, don’t abandon him.”
“I’m sorry, Natalie, but I never wanted this, and you know that,” the man had said. “I wasn’t cut out to be a father. I’m no good at it. He’s better off without me.”
“That’s not true,” she’d argued. “He loves you.”
