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“Then he’ll forgive me,” he’d replied, and walked out the door.
His words still sting as I run them through my head over and over again. It’s not healthy, I know, but I don’t know how to stop. And it guts me every time. Not understanding what I did wrong. What was it about me that made him leave? What was it about me that he didn’t want?
I never wanted this.
He’d never wanted me. He’d never wanted to be a father. I had been too much for him. A complication. I’d been the reason he had left. He hadn’t wanted me.
So how could anyone else? How could I be good enough for anyone else? How could someone possibly choose me? How could I be good enough for Wesley? How could I let Wesley see me fall apart while my mom sits in a hospital bed dying? He doesn’t deserve that.
“Your father taught you that you don’t deserve love, Cooper. That you aren’t worthy. And you’ve believed it, though I’ve tried to convince you otherwise. You have been afraid for so long. Afraid to believe that you are good, and that you deserve good things. Afraid that everyone in your life will hurt you or leaveyou, and that you have to be everything to everyone. But it’s okay to not be okay, Cooper. It’s okay to need, and to hurt, and to fall apart sometimes. You don’t have to always be strong. And you don’t have to accept blame and responsibility for everything. Sometimes things just happen, baby.”
I close my eyes and let the tears fall, holding her hand against my forehead. “Mom, I –” I sob. “I’ve messed up so badly.”
“What do you mean, baby?”
“Wesley, I...I was upset, and I thought...shit.”
“Cooper? What did you do?” she asks sternly.
“I broke up with him, Mom,” I admit, swallowing hard.
“In heaven’s name, why?” she asks, clearly stunned.
“I was scared. I thought he was a distraction and that I needed to focus on you. I hated myself for falling asleep and not being there when you needed me. I didn’t want to keep letting you down.”
She furrows her eyebrows. “Cooper, don’t you dare use me as an excuse to end your relationship. Do you really think that that’s what I would want for you? To see you alone and miserable instead of with the one person in the world that’s ever made you happy? That boy is the best thing that has ever happened to you and we both know it. Now, I don’t care what you have to do, you go get him back.”
“Mom, I, I can’t.”
“Why ever not?”
“Because, he won’t take me back now. I’ve blown it. I’ve fucked up too many times.”
“Try,” she insists. “Consider it my dying wish.”
I sigh.
“Do you love him, Cooper?”
I nod furiously. “More than anything. I just don’t think I’ve shown him that very well. And I don’t know how to.”
“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” she says.
CHAPTER 17
WESLEY
I’m standing at my kitchen counter in my pajamas and bathrobe and stirring cream into my coffee when I hear my doorbell ring. I’m exhausted and depressed and not looking forward to answering the door. But, hey, at least I have clothes on and I’m showered. It’s a step up from the other day.
Cooper and I haven’t communicated at all since the breakup until the previous night when I’d gotten a text message. My emotions are so fucking all over the place because I was equally angered and excited to hear from him. And now my stomach is in knots and I want to see him, but I don’t at the same time. I hate that he can do this to me, that I feel so vulnerable with him. That he’s the only one who can break my heart and he’s the only one who has.
All his message had said was that he needed to talk to me and could he please come over in the morning? I’d wrestled with myself for over an hour before responding. I told him he could come at nine o’clock but he had twenty minutes and that was it. Just call me Wesley Setting Boundaries Hall.
Cooper hadn’t replied but since it’s nine o’clock on the dot I’m assuming it’s him.
“Hey, Wes,” he says when I open the door. He has his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, his dark hair is a tousled mess as if he’s just rolled out of bed. He has dark circles under his eyes and they look bloodshot. Shit. Part of me wants to scold him for driving here on that goddamn bike of his in his condition. If anything happened to him...
“You look like shit,” I say instead.
