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“When I come back, how about I tell you more about my trip? Show you the pictures I took?”
“I would love that.” I can hear her smiling.
“And eventually we can talk about the movie. And how I can take responsibility so you won’t get in trouble. Because that part has been stressing me out, Mom. You know the last thing I want is for you or your career to take a fall.”
Desperately, I wish the blowback was only on me. It makes me nauseous thinking about any negative ripple effects for her.
“If this is what you want”—she drags her words to give me an opening to change my mind—“then eventually we’ll release a statement. Mohinder Uncle will help. The production company won’t be happy, but this isn’t the first time an actor pulls out before filming starts. Again… if that’s what you really want…”
“I do.”
I’ll say it repeatedly.
Preeti’s exposure theory.
“Okay, if you aren’t acting, have you thought about what else to do?”
She doesn’t think I have an answer. Maybe this is her looking for weakness, so she can come up with better counter-arguments.
I flop down, looking up at the ceiling lights.
“This morning I started polishing up my portfolio so I can apply to a magazine.”
“Excuse me, buttabloids?”
“Gods, no! More a place to write articles that entertain without bringing people down. No gossip or fear-mongering. Lifestyle topics.”
I explain the research I’ve done. How there are copywriters specializing in advertisements, but also content creators for companies, and also freelance writers for digital magazines that attract customers to subscription models with great storytelling. The longer I talk, the more my energy spreads, until I’m vibrating with excess. It’s such a stark contrast to my reaction to making movies that I realize how right this new direction feels.
And as I go on, some of that emotion affects my mother.
She asks inquisitive questions, and offers contacts to editors contacts which I turn down, because while I appreciate thepower of networking, I want to cast a fishing line into the world first. To see what I can make of myself.
She reluctantly agrees, but also wants me to read the Pollywood script onelasttime.
It’s… progress.
And I’m not naïve enough to believe everything is fixed, but I’m feeling like I can handle it more. That I’m growing and it’s not in the shadows. That despite what might happen, I’ll stay in the background of Pollywood, but not in the background ofmylife anymore.
London, it changed so many things. Or maybe change is a constant in life, and when you lean into changes on your own terms, you'll figure it out. I still remember the Komal at my birthday party. She had no sense of direction, but also, I think she was afraid to really choose differently. She was paralyzed and didn't want to disappoint anyone. She was languishing in indecision. Because her life felt like it was getting away from her, she felt like she had no choice but to let it carry her along.
I'm not that Komal anymore, and I think in the future, I won't be the Komal I am now, either. The difference is, I can articulate and not be afraid of saying,This is what I want. Or, more importantly,This is not what I want. I'm not rushing to catch up to someone's schedule or vision of my life. My future is on me, and I'm going to call the shots without guilt. Some things might not work. That's okay. I'm in love, choosing a new career, and re-forging a different relationship with my mom.
This is going to lead me somewhere, and I am so excited.
Komal Chahal Is Excitedly Going Forth Into The Unknown Of Her Own Choosing and Anything Can Happen!
EPILOGUE
We never did find out how the media discovered I was adopted. And there was more internet uproar after news of me quitting the film came out, but it fizzled after a few weeks. Thank one of India’s foremost cricketers and his divorce-cheating scandal. As for my mother, busy with her own filming schedule, things between us are given space to ease. It helps that she's getting early award buzz for her role and also got along great with the daughter they recast. An actress who didn’t dodge the bullet and is rumoured to be with Veer Singh.
Or maybe it’s a publicity stunt.
I’ve got no clue, and I amsohappy that I’ve got no clue.
In the weeks and months that follow, my life re-steers itself. There are multiple job interviews, and while Mom isn’t directly calling in favours, being the daughter of a famous movie star has clout I’ll never shake off. But when editors hear I want to publish under an anonymous pen-name, my reputation loses some of its shine and writing skills suddenly become important again. By that measure, it’s a long period of job-hunting as I compete with other talented applicants, but eventually I land a position at a South Asian focused online magazine led by a pink-haired anarchist who is a wizard with web design.
My very first piece is34 Things I Firmly Believe You Need To Prepare For A Hostel Stay. The one I’m still working on is,How the Median Age of Marriage Has Finally Gone Up For South Asian Women and What That Means.There’s also,What Mouth-Watering Indian Street Food Are You?circling in the back of my head.
