Page 55 of Since She's Been Gone

She gives me the address. I jot it down on a napkin, about to leave, when Mabel walks back to me with her pink apron.

“You barely ate,” she says, pointing to the bagel that’s only missing one bite.

“I’m in a rush,” I say.

“Let me get you some foil so you can take it to go,” she says.

“It’s fine,” I say, picking up the twenty I dropped on the table, handing it to her. “Keep the change.”

“Thank you,” she says, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Remember, take care of yourself.”

I nod my head and leave.

CHAPTER34

April 1998

“WE’RE PREPARING FORyour discharge,” Dr. Larsen told me during our daily therapy session.

“Discharge?” I said. The word stuck in my throat.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s time. You’re ready,” she told me.

I sure didn’t feel ready. Even though there were concrete goalposts I could point to that marked progress in my recovery, like how my shoes and comforter were returned to me, and the fact I was eating a variety of foods with more ease, I was still terrified. Change is hard for those used to the rigid tendencies of eating disorders, and I was no exception.

It had been three and a half months since I had first arrived at Better Horizons, and Dr. Larsen, the nurse, Iris, Kyle, and the entire staff had grown to feel like family. Contemplating leaving them and returning to a house without Mom was too overwhelming.

“I don’t want to go,” I told Dr. Larsen.

“That’s understandable,” she said.

“What if I relapse?” I asked her.

“I’ll still be here,” she told me. “But keep in mind, you’re not the girl who arrived here in January.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“You just told me you don’t want to leave and are scared to go.”

I thought about that. When I first arrived, all I wanted to do was leave.

“I’m also nervous about school and if I’ll be able to maintain my recovery there,” I told Dr. Larsen.

“You’ll attend an outpatient program a few nights a week near your home and build a recovery community. You won’t be alone. And your teachers will help you make up the work you’ve missed. You’ll have the summer to do that as well.”

I could feel the tears bubbling in my eyes.

“I don’t think I can do this without you,” I finally admitted. I realized she was the closest thing to a mother figure I had had since Mom. The prospect of letting her go had echoes of losing Mom.

“I believe that you can. You’ve learned how to fight ED, the most ferocious foe, which means you can do anything with your life. You have so much to be proud of. I’ll still be here, rooting for you on the sidelines. Someone you can always turn to.”

“When am I leaving?” I asked, blinking away tears.

“In a couple of days,” she said.

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