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Nana’s bedroom door is slightly ajar and music is playing. It’s subtle and little more than a hum in the background, but everything is so still I can hear it from the landing. It’s the operatic stuff that Ben and I used to hate as kids. All violins and cellos. It’s fromCarmen. Nana’s favourite, I remember. It’s beautiful, I realise for the first time.
My hand shakes as I reach for the doorknob and push Nana’s bedroom door open just enough to allow me to fit through the gap. The curtains are drawn, but subtle light comes from four or five small candles resting haphazardly on my grandmother’s dressing table under the window. I squint, and in seconds my eyes adjust to the dimness. Red, or maybe pink, roses sit in a ceramic vase on the bedside table. My eyes burn as I stare at them almost without blinking. I know if I move my gaze just a fraction, I’ll see my grandmother lying in bed. Instead, I focus on my mother’s back as she sits hunched on the edge of the mattress. She’s holding Nana’s hand, but she lets go and stands as soon as she notices me, lunging forward and wrapping her arms so tightly around my neck it pinches.
‘She’s not in any pain, love,’ Mam says as if she can read my mind and knows exactly what I would ask if I could manage to speak.
I nod. I want to say I’m glad Nana’s not in pain, but no words come out. Mam untangles her arms from around me and gestures for me to sit. I’m not sure what to do. There’s only one bedside chair, and my mother deserves that seat.
I take a step back, and my shoulders bump into the wall behind me. The coolness of the wallpaper seems to soothe my shaking body, and I take some deep breaths as I stand with my back stiff and awkward.
‘Don’t be afraid, Holly,’ Mam whispers. ‘She wouldn’t want that.’
I frown. ‘I’m not scared, Mam.’
I’m lying, and my mother knows it. I’m petrified, and I can see the same fear weighing down every inch of Mam’s body.
The noise of the toilet flushing in the adjoining bathroom startles me, and I actually jump.
‘It’s the nurse,’ Mam explains quickly. ‘She’s lovely, Holly. You’ll like her. She’s been here with Nana for the last few days.
I smile but not enough to show teeth.
‘You look tired, Hols. Have you eaten?’ Mam asks.
I nod. It’s my second lie in less than a minute.
My mother swallows hard, and I can actually see the lump of air physically work its way down her throat.How long has she sat here, I wonder.Hours?Days, I guess. She must be exhausted. She looks older. Almost as old as Nana.
‘You know what, Mam?’ I say, trying to keep my voice level. ‘Iamactually pretty hungry…’
My mother pulls herself upright and rubs her hands together. ‘Of course, you are,’ she says. ‘I’ll go downstairs and fix you something straight away. I think there are some leftovers in the fridge. If not, I’ll pop out to the shop. I won’t be long.’
‘Sounds great,’ I smile. ‘Thanks.’
I’m not hungry. I tried nibbling on an apple earlier but it made me queasy. But my mother is weary and needs a break from keeping vigil at my grandmother’s bedside. The least I can do is choke down a sandwich if it helps to distract her.
‘You’ll stay with her, won’t you?’ Mam asks, turning back as she reaches the bedroom door.
‘Of course, I will. I’m not going anywhere.’
TWO
HOLLY
‘You can sit down, you know.’
I spin around and try not to look flabbergasted as an unknown middle-aged lady walks into the room.The nurse, I realise. I’m oddly surprised to find she’s wearing regular clothes and not a uniform as I’d expected.
‘Annie, are you awake?’ the nurse says, speaking loudly and slowly as she leans over the end of Nana’s bed. ‘You have a visitor.’
The nurse looks at me, and it takes me longer than it should to realise that she’s waiting for an introduction.
‘I’m Holly,’ I whisper.
‘Ah, Holly,’ she beams as if my name is familiar to her. ‘Lovely to meet you, at last. I’m Marcy.’ She extends her hand, and I shake it.
It feels a little weird to exchange pleasantries over my grandmother’s bed. But everything feels strange today.
‘Annie has told me a lot about her only granddaughter. You two must be very close,’ Marcy says.
