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Marcy’s big round eyes sparkle when she talks about Nana, as if they’ve become friends in recent days, and it makes me happy. Marcy is short. Barely five-foot, I guess, and noticeably overweight. She has a warm smile and a comforting voice. I think I like Marcy. I bet Nana likes her too.
‘Yeah, we are.’ I swallow, finally bringing myself to look at my grandmother lying in bed. ‘We’ve always been close. Nana spoilt me rotten when I was little.’
My grandmother is pale, but I was expecting that. What I wasn’t expecting was for her to be so thin. Her skin clings to her bones as if there’s nothing between them. But she’s half smiling and her hands are resting comfortably by her sides. Her nails are painted baby pink and are as manicured and pretty as ever.A classy lady until the very end, I think, bursting with pride.
‘Excuse me,’ Marcy says as she brushes past me and slides between the empty chair and the edge of the bed. She strokes my grandmother’s silver hair and brushes it back off Nana’s forehead with her hand. She bends down and whispers something in Nana’s ear, and Nana’s half-smile grows a fraction wider.
Marcy turns around slowly and nods. ‘She knows you’re here.’
I watch and wait, but Nana doesn’t move. Tears swell in the corners of my eyes. I cried so much in the car, I thought my tear ducts were dried out. I guess not.
‘I’ll give you two some alone time,’ Marcy says.
My eyes widen, and I freeze.
‘Don’t worry,’ Marcy says, obviously sensing my fear. ‘Annie’s medication is all up to date. She’s just sleepy now. Talk to her. Be with her. Take this time to make some more memories.’
‘Okay.’ I swallow again, unsure.
‘I’ll be downstairs in the kitchen if you need me,’ Marcy says as she gathers up some pill bottles and other medical stuff from around the room.
Then she’s gone. It’s just Nana and me now. It takes me a long time to finally make my way to the empty chair beside the bed. Two more whole songs have played on Nana’sCarmenCD. When I finally sit down and take my grandmother’s hand, her fingers curl around my palm, and I can’t be one-hundred-per-cent sure, but it feels like she squeezes.
I bow my head and try to keep still as my tears splash onto the knees of my tailored navy trousers like summer raindrops.
‘I love you, Nana,’ I whisper. ‘So much.’
This time, I’m certain Nana squeezes my hand. My whole body smiles. I sniffle roughly and pull myself together. The last thing Nana needs is for me to be a quivering mess, bawling and getting tears all over her bedside.
Once I start talking, I can’t stop. It’s incoherent babbling at first, but it doesn’t take long for old memories to flood my senses and the words to flow effortlessly. I talk about all the times Nana spoilt Ben and me over the years. All the times she gave us treats before dinner, much to my mother’s dismay. I remember the lazy summer days when she took us swimming in the lake behind the house. I work my way up the teenage years when Ben and I were moody and thought we’d be young forever. We used to throw hissy fits because our parents would drag us away from our friends to come to Galway for the weekend. And then there’s now. It’s hard to talk about now.
‘My love life is in the toilet, Nana,’ I say, the words tasting bitter in my mouth. ‘I know how much you like Nate, but he’s not the guy you think he is. He’s not the guyIthought he was.’ I sigh deeply, sadness and regret nagging at my heart. ‘He’s shown his true colours recently, and he really is a gigantic arse. Trust me! First hurdle, and he buggered off to Ibiza with his brothers for a lads’ week. Can you believe it? He rang me pissed out of his tree at four o’clock in the morning trying to fix things. But it’s too late. The damage is done. There’s no coming back from this. I really thought I’d found a good one, Nana,’ I say, struggling to fight back tears. ‘I really did. And the worst part is that even though everything is a mess, I miss him. I really, really miss him.’ I drag my hand around my face and twist and pull my skin until it pinches. ‘Maybe true love just isn’t going to happen for me.’
Nana’s grip tightens around my hand, and I instinctively lean closer to her. It takes a few seconds, but Nana opens her mouth and rolls her tongue past her chapped lips. I wait. She’s going to speak. Butterflies of excitement flutter in my tummy. My blood courses so fiercely through my veins I can hear my pulse pound inside my head.
‘True love…’ Nana coughs and opens her eyes. ‘You don’t find it, Holly. It finds you. And it never lets go. Ever.’
I’m about to tell her how I hope that’s true, but I don’t get a chance. She begins coughing like crazy, and she can’t draw a breath. Just those few words have exerted her.
‘It’s okay, Nana,’ I whisper as I lean over her and gently rub her chest. ‘It’s okay.’
It’s so not okay. I’m completely freaking out. I want to help her sit up so she can cough it up and catch her breath, but I’m afraid to move her in case I hurt her fragile bones.
‘Try to stay calm, Nana. Don’t panic,’ I say, pulling my hand away from her and racing out the bedroom door.
Don’t panic?I roll my eyes – I’m such a hypocrite.
I stand at the top of the stairs and look over the banister. No one’s in the hall. I can hear voices and the clattering of teacups coming from the kitchen. I can’t shout and startle my grandmother, but I need the nurse. I run down the first few steps of the stairs completely torn – I don’t want to leave Nana alone, but I need help. I stop midway and puff out with relief when Ben appears at the kitchen door. He glances my way, and I don’t have to say anything. He scurries back through the door and, within seconds, Marcy is flying up the stairs past me.
Minutes later, Ben comes to fetch me. I hadn’t realised I’d been frozen on the stairs until I feel my brother’s hand on my shoulder.
‘C’mon. Let’s get you a coffee, Holly. Mam has a snack made for you. I was just coming to call you.’
My legs wobble as I try to navigate the steps. Ben nudges the crook of his arm towards me, and I link my arm through it gratefully, letting him take most of the weight of my body.
‘Is this really happening?’ I mumble. ‘Is Nana really going to leave us?’
‘Yeah, Hols. I think so.’
