Page 34 of When You're Gone


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Ben pulls himself as tall as he can stretch, which is still half a foot shorter than Nate, and rolls his shoulders up and back, clearly in an attempt to be assertive. ‘Look, man, maybe you should go. This is a very difficult time for our family. Holly told me you guys are going through a breakup, and I’m sorry, but now is not the time for all that. Holly’s clearly very upset.’

‘It’s a break. Not a breakup, Ben,’ Nate explains calmly. ‘Holly and I have some difficult stuff going on right now, and we’re both struggling. But I really care about Annie. She’s always been very nice to me. If it’s okay with your family, I would really like to stay. I would like to be here for Holly. But I’d like to be here for Annie too.’

Ben shrinks as he blows out a puff of coffee-stenched air. ‘Holly?’

I nod. ‘I want Nate to stay, Ben. I need him here.’

‘Okay.’ Ben softens. ‘But can one of you please tell me what’s going on?’

Nate looks at me with heartbreak-heavy eyes, and even though I wince, my eyes let Nate know it’s time to tell my brother.

‘Holly’s pregnant,’ Nate puffs out.

‘Oh my God,’ Ben exclaims, visibly taken by surprise. ‘A baby. Wow, that’s big news. Congratulations.’

Nate and I don’t move. Or speak.

‘What?’ Ben says, his enthusiasm dropping as quickly as it shot up. ‘What is it? I thought you’d be thrilled.’

‘The baby’s not well,’ Nate says.

A pasty grey invades Ben’s cheeks. He was the same colour earlier when Nana had trouble breathing.

‘Not well?’ Ben echoes. ‘What do you mean not well?’

‘We had a scan a couple of weeks ago,’ I say numbly. ‘They found a problem with the baby’s kidneys and heart.’

‘Okay.’ Ben nods, his mouth gaping a little. ‘So the little tyke might need surgery once it’s born. You hear of kids having heart surgery all the time, dontcha?’

‘It’s… it’s… not that straightforward,’ Nate says.

‘But kids are resilient. They bounce back.’ Ben fidgets.

My heart hurts. I know Ben is trying to be positive and encourage Nate and me to feel better, but no kind words can help us.

‘It’s called Edwards’ syndrome.’ I clear my throat with a jagged cough. ‘It’s very serious.’

Ben seems to shrink. He always looks small and stocky when he’s standing beside Nate, but suddenly, Ben seems positively tiny.

‘I’ve never heard of Edwards’ syndrome,’ Ben confesses.

I shrug. ‘Neither had we. But the doctors explained, and I’ve googled it a lot. There’s not much hope.’

‘Oh shit, Hols.’ Ben shakes his head. ‘What about in the States? They have medical advances over there all the time. Maybe that’s an option?’

‘Ben,’ I say, sternly commanding his composed attention. ‘We might not even make it to term.’

‘Oh, God.’ Ben looks like he might pass out. ‘I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you both.’

‘It’s pretty shit,’ Nate admits bluntly. ‘Holly and I were so excited when we found out she was pregnant. The first thing Holly said to me was that she couldn’t wait to tell Annie. Four generations of Talbots…’ Nate trickles off midsentence, and no one picks up from there; we all just stand around staring at our feet as if the answer to life’s problems is written on the tips of our toes.

‘Does Nana know yet?’ Ben says, finally looking up.

‘Yeah,’ I whisper. ‘She knows.’

Ben smiles. ‘What did she say?’

‘Nothing yet,’ I say, shrugging. ‘I don’t know how to talk to her about it. She’ll be so happy for me, I know she will, and I don’t want to tell her that the baby is sick. It’ll break her heart.’

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