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We’re sitting side by side, but there’s a narrow gap between us. I allow my knee nearest him to flop slightly, dragging my thigh to brush up against his.
‘Are you still getting sick?’ he asks, shifting slightly so he can face me, but keeping his leg pressed against mine.
I scrunch my face and nod. ‘Yeah. It’s not as bad as it was, but I still feel awful.’
‘Have you told your mam about the baby yet?’ he whispers, as if he’s afraid of the answer.
‘I can’t. She has enough to worry about. I can’t drop all this on her, too. The timing is so bad.’
‘Have you thought any more about what you want to do?’ Nate asks.
I suck air roughly through my nose, giving myself an instant headache. I jerk my leg away from Nate and stand.
‘Hols, c’mon,’ Nate says softly. ‘I don’t want to upset you, but we need to discuss this. We need to make decisions.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ I growl, pacing the floor.
‘I know you don’t,’ Nate says, standing up. ‘But youhaveto.’
‘Did you want to discuss the baby last week when you pissed off to Ibiza, Nate?’ I shout, frustrated tears blurring my vision. ‘No, you bloody didn’t. You just drank yourself stupid. I saw the Facebook photos.’
‘Holly, you wouldn’t talk to me.’ Nate lowers his head. ‘I didn’t know what to do.’
‘And Ibiza seemed like a solution, did it?’ I snap.
Nate folds his arms and tilts his head to one side. ‘No. Ibiza was an escape, Holly. I needed a fucking escape. I didn’t know how to help you. You kept pushing me away, and the more I tried to help you, the more you pushed. You wouldn’t tell me what you were feeling or thinking. Christ, you could barely even bring yourself to look at me. It was driving me insane.’
I stare into Nate eyes and my disappointment must be written all over my face because I can literally see his heart breaking.
‘You’re the one who said you wanted a break,’ Nate says. ‘You said that, Holly. Not me. I said I never wanted to leave you, remember. I said we’d get through this together.’
I run my tongue along the inside of my teeth, desperate for something to do with my mouth other than talk.I do remember. I was such a bitch. I needed someone to take the pain out on. It should never have been Nate. Never.
‘I’m cracking up here,’ Nate admits. ‘It’s my baby too, Holly. Don’t you think this is hard for me too?’
I drop my head and press two fingers into the gap above my nose and between my eyes. ‘Not compatible with life. That’s what they said, Nate,’ I begin to cry.My baby.My precious little baby.My hand falls instinctively to my growing bump.
Nate breathes heavily, and his arms unlock and flop lifelessly by his sides. ‘I know, Hols. I know. I was there, too.’
‘It’s not fair, Nate. It’s so not fair. Our baby is going to die. And there’s nothing we can do about it.’
‘I know, Hols.’ Nate grabs me and clings to me so tightly it’s hard to breathe, but I don’t want him to let go.
‘And Nana,’ I say as hot, salty tears sting their way down my cheeks. ‘Nana is going to die, too. Soon, Nate. So soon. She’s going to leave me. They both are.’
I hear Nate swallow hard, and I feel his body shake, but he doesn’t speak. We sway back and forth on the spot, beating out a slow, even rhythm, and every so often, Nate stops and stills as he kisses me on the top of the head. It’s as if for a moment, we’re in a bubble, just the two of us, and the bad stuff of the real world can’t burst it. But it’s only for a moment. We’re drawn back to the here and now by a gentle knock on the door before it creaks open and Ben’s head appears in the gap.
‘Coffee anyone?’ he says with a smile.
‘Thanks, man,’ Nate says. ‘Coffee would be good.’
‘Jesus, Holly. What’s wrong?’ Ben says swinging the door wide open and barging into the room. ‘What have you said to her?’ He glares at Nate.
Nate sighs and shakes his head. Silence falls over us for a moment, and the tension in the room is unbearable.
‘Holly.’ Ben says my name like a schoolteacher trying to command the attention of a mischievous pupil. ‘What’s going on in here? Are you okay?’
I suck my bottom lip between my teeth and force my teary eyes to seek out my brother’s worried face. ‘Not really okay,’ I admit.
