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“You were young, and I figured coming in and out of your life would be worse than what I’d already done.”
I wait, eyebrow raised.
“Fine.” She huffs. “I couldn’t risk the truth getting out. It was what needed to happen in order to let my secret die.”
Her secret was me. She wanted the memory of me to die. She needed her husband to never know I existed. That’s what she’s saying.
“I cried for weeks after I was put into Golden Heights. I asked for you every day for months. I couldn’t understand why I was there.” At six, I didn’t comprehend any of it. I couldn’t fathom why I wasn’t with my mom anymore or how I had ended up where I was. “I want to hear you say it. I want you to tell me to my face that he was more important.”
“Life isn’t that simple, Noah. You can’t just label things away in tiny little boxes and say this is the reason for that and this. You’ll understand that as you grow up. It wasn’t all about importance. It was about what was best for everyone. I could never have been my best for you if I had to lose him. You needed more, and I couldn’t live without him.”
I squeeze Brazen’s hand in mine to keep from screaming at her. She can’t be serious. How many times had she fed herself that same line before she started to believe it? She couldn’t live without him? Grown-up or not, what she’s saying will never make any sense to me, but it’s clear that she completely stands by her reasoning, even after her husband left her.
“You’ll have to learn how to live without him now, won’t you?” The snide remark feels good, and I allow myself not to feel bad about my verbal retaliation just this once.
“Are you done, Noah? Is that it? This is history I don’t want to rehash, and it’s hardly proper table etiquette. Can we put this to bed?”
“Yeah, I’m done.” So done. I don’t need to hear anything else from her.
“And you are really not going to allow me to stay with you?”
“No, I’m sorry. My mind is set on that.”
“It’s because of him.” She sneers at Brazen. “You’d never be so selfish as to do this to me.”
“And how would you know the first thing about me? Remember, you tossed me away. You claim you were thinking about me that day, but do you know what? I don’t believe you. I think you were only thinking about yourself. So, now, it’s my turn to put myself first.”
“I was in love. What would you give up for the guy sitting next to you, huh? My decision back then wasn’t over some silly boy. I did what was best for my future, and it doesn’t look like things turned out so bad for you. So, maybe consider how things could have been different for you had I not made the choice I did. There are a lot worse things, Noah.”
All I hear is that she didn’t love me. That she chose a man over her daughter. That she’s still selfish.
She throws down her napkin, and this time, neither Brazen nor I try to stop her from leaving.
I know I won’t hear from her again, and I’m okay with it. I’m good. I found my forgiveness and closure the other night by the fire. No matter what she does from this day forward, she can’t take that away from me. Plus, I also have my silly boy to fall back on, and that’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. My mother chose a man over me without him even asking her to do it, but Brazen would never make decisions like that for me. He proved that the second he handed me the napkin with her number on it.
