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It hadn’t been a conscious decision, but I couldn’t take it back, so I shrugged.
“Of course I enjoyed our scene. It meant a lot to me that you trusted me with your submission.” He smiled but it was a guarded expression. “I loved watching you fall apart. It worries me that you’ve hidden away so much of yourself from people who are your friends.”
I looked down, unable to hold his gaze. “I needed time. You know that trust doesn’t come easily for me.”
It wasn’t just our relationship, my whole life I’d been trying to live up to others’ expectations and failing. Family, friends, co-workers, it seemed like I was cursed to have people in my life who took advantage of me or walked away when I couldn’t give them what they wanted. The Ranch had been the first place that accepted me without reservation, but even there, I’d held back afraid they would judge me.
This situation with Cade was complicated and scary. I hoped with all my heart that it would all work out, but an evil voice in my head was warning me to be ready to be disappointed again.
“I am so sorry, River. It’s no excuse, but I honestly didn’t see how much I was hurting you. I’m not sure if it helps, but there has been no one for me since you left.” He settled back on the couch and pulled me closer. “I think I got used to seeing success at work as success in life. But without you there to share my life, it felt hollow. I need you to believe I want to make us work.”
He either saw something in my expression or felt my hesitancy. “Don’t worry, beautiful, I will prove to you that what I say is true. No pretty words or empty promises this time.”
I smiled. What else could I do? In my heart I hoped we had taken the right steps to begin healing what had broken. But would it be enough?
Chapter 12
Cade
Why had I agreed to this? Walking with River through the hallways of Rawhide Ranch to see a therapist made me uncomfortable to say the least. I wasn’t trying to say that therapy was a bad thing, but it had never been my thing. Talking things out with my friends had always been enough for me. They knew me and could understand where I was coming from. So why would I confide in a stranger? Why had she?
Shame hit me moments after I had that thought. I’d known River hadn’t had a support structure of family or friends like I did. Instead of encouraging her to develop her own friends, I’d been confident that I was all she needed. All of our friends were really my friends. So when things went south between us, she hadn’t had anyone to confide in.
Two days had passed since our session in the dungeon. It would be easy to pretend that one great scene could fix everything but even I wasn’t that deluded. Being reminded how good we could be together should have opened the floodgates to move forward, but instead, it felt like there was an invisible barrier holding us back.
Unsurprisingly, River had been exhausted the next day. She’d slept in so I surprised her by going to her room and serving her breakfast in bed. Her smile had been guarded as we ate, cuddled and napped the day away. So when she asked if I might be willing to see her therapist with her, I hadn’t been able to say no.
In the spirit of making amends, I was willing to do almost anything. If this was what she needed to move forward, I would do my best to support her. There were worse things she could have asked for, though my brain wasn’t coming up with many that would have made me feel that uncomfortable.
Would the two of them spend the hour listing my flaws and how I needed to change? I knew I’d screwed up but how was rehashing that going to make things better? Hopefully, all I would have to do was listen but I somehow doubted that.
I watched River through my peripheral vision. She was stunning in a long sleeve dark-blue A-line retro dress. In the last year, she’d changed a lot. Some of the changes were positive. She walked with a confidence that I’d always hoped she would find and her smile to the friends she passed was open and happy. But others weren’t, like her weight drop, the absolute lack of personal or luxury items in her room and hiding what she needed from her friends. Has she talked to her therapist about those things?
I’d always known she enjoyed following orders and often placed others’ needs before her own. With time and distance, I was realizing she didn’t place any value on self-care or her needs. That tendency worried me more than anything else we had to overcome. I would happily guide and direct her, but she needed to understand she was not only capable but needed to take care of herself. I didn’t intend to fall back on old habits, but was she able to speak up if she wasn’t getting what she needed? I wasn’t sure.
I swore under my breath and River jumped like I’d pinched her.
“Sorry, I missed that. What did you say, Cade?”
There was no way of saying what I was thinking without it coming out as an insult. But I would share my concerns with her therapist if I thought she would help.
“Nothing important. Just forgot to check in with Andy today.”
She eyed me with a guilty look. “Sorry about that. I guess I’ve been monopolizing all your time since you arrived.”
I regretted using my friend as an excuse for my actions. With the little time I had to win back her trust, no way in hell would I be worrying about Andy. He was a grown-ass man who could take care of himself.
“Don’t worry about it. You are much more important to me than him.” She squirmed uncomfortably. “You understand that right?”
She shrugged and paused next to a door which I assumed was our destination. River knocked on the door before I could push her further.
“Come in,” a voice from the other side invited.
I don’t know what I’d expected River’s therapist to look like but was surprised when an older statuesque beauty stood up from behind an antique-looking desk. The confidence and authority the woman exuded surprised me. I should’ve known better than to make assumptions. I knew plenty of people who were submissive in a scene but entirely dominant in their everyday lives.
It was a comfortable office very different from what I would have expected. Instead of an awkward lounging couch, there was a large high-end seating area. The doctor obviously had expensive tastes and a keen eye for decorating to make her patients feel comfortable.
“You must be Cade. Thank you for joining us today. Please take a seat.” She pointed to one of the two comfy-looking, sturdy leather chairs facing her desk.
