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I waited for River to take her seat to ensure she got to select the position that made her the most comfortable. The chair she chose was the closest to the window and the furthest from the desk. As I sat in the other chair, I noted that River was already doing her best to fade into the background. Her need to be on display had never translated into other parts of our lives.
“I’m Catherine Denton, I work as a counselor here at Rawhide and, as I hope you know, I’ve been working with River for a few months. We both thought it would be helpful to have you come in as well so you both could talk about what you need and have an outside person guide the conversation.” She looked between the two of us. “Safewords apply even in therapy, so if we get on a topic you aren’t comfortable discussing with an audience, don’t hesitate to speak up.”
I’d heard of people using safewords for conversations before but had never really considered I might need them. If it meant helping us move forward together, I didn’t think there was anything I wasn’t willing to talk about. Maybe her reminder was for River as much as it was for me.
“I understand. River and I have talked as well and I’ve apologized for how wrapped up in my work I was. I’m willing to do whatever she needs to win back her trust.” Even if it was talking to a complete stranger about things I thought could just as easily be discussed in private.
“I’m glad to hear that. Sometimes people feel defensive as if they have to justify their actions. I want you to remember that my only purpose is to guide a conversation between the two of you. To that point I think the easiest place to start would be to have you both tell me what was the strongest part of your relationship?”
That was supposed to be the easy question? How could someone boil down years of little things into a few sentences? I could go on for hours about what I loved about River but that wasn’t really our relationship was it?
“The sex.”
River’s soft answer surprised me.
“When we are in a scene I feel like everything is perfect.”
Her answer both turned me on and bothered me. Don’t get me wrong, our chemistry was off the charts, but somehow that didn’t seem like it should be the strongest part of a relationship. When I looked back on our time together, it wasn’t just the sex I missed. But maybe that was all we’d had left in the end.
“Cade?”
I looked at River and hoped she saw the apology in my eyes. “I was going to say our connection. But I guess that faded.”
Catherine nodded. “Cade, tell River what you mean by your connection.”
The conversation was getting deep quickly. I took a slow breath and tried to explain something that had only been emotions before. “You were the center of my happiness. Our relationship made me feel like I was on top of the world and then pushed me to be better for you. By gifting me your submission, you fed the part of my soul that needed to be in control. But it wasn’t just about the sex, it was the little ways you made my life better. I enjoyed seeing you blossom as my sub when I pushed you outside your comfort zone. But I also loved the fact that when I was feeling tired and torn down by the day, I knew I would come home and everything would be perfect because you had made it so.”
River’s cheeks grew pink and I wanted to pull her onto my lap. Did she not realize how important she was to me?
“Did you feel the same way, River?” Catherine asked.
“I… I guess in the beginning. But then, it was like he didn’t see me anymore.”
I could see tears shimmering in River’s eyes and her hands shook.
“I’m afraid of that happening again. When your focus is on me, it’s the best feeling in the world. I know I can’t be your only focus, Cade, but I can’t be forgotten again.”
Her words were like a knife to the gut. How could I prove to her that it wouldn’t happen again? Promises were empty until they were fulfilled. I was still trying to figure out what to say when Catherine spoke.
“What is your biggest fear, Cade?”
That was easy. “That I won’t know that I’m screwing up again and I’ll lose River forever.” I sighed. “I’m not saying I shouldn’t have realized things were going badly if I’d been paying attention. Looking back, the signs were all there, but I was so focused on my career that everything faded to the background. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again but…”
I wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.
“But you are both only human.” Catherine’s smile was gentle. “Communication is critical for all couples but especially when a strong power dynamic is in play. River, I know you struggle with asking for what you need or complaining, and while I don’t know you well, Cade, I can take a guess and say most Doms hesitate to question things for fear of looking out of control.”
I nodded. As uncomfortable as her words were, there was undeniable truth in them.
“Why don’t we discuss how you handled communication in the past and then see if we can’t come up with a better solution for the future? You both need to be confident that things can work outside of the Ranch.”
It was an emotionally draining hour where all of our mistakes were laid bare. Okay, probably not all of them, but it felt like agood amount of them. I felt like an idiot on some levels making the mistakes that newbies did of assuming too much rather than just asking. Just the ten minutes we reviewed how I’d handled River using her safeword were enough to make me feel ashamed.
To give the counselor credit, she didn’t lay blame or try to make me feel like the bad guy. Instead, she gave good suggestions on how to do better in the future. By the time our session was over, I thought we had a good start to a plan on how to move forward. Rules that we would both follow about weekly check-ins and protocols for what was to happen if either of us safeworded.
When we took our leave, River seemed too quiet. What thoughts were swirling around in that head of hers? Did she think things had gone well? Maybe a walk and talk would help her clear her thoughts.
“Why don’t we get our coats and gloves on and get some fresh air? You can show me your favorite spots on the Ranch.” I offered her my hand needing the physical connection.
