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Her cheeks were hot again, and she yanked at her ponytail. Would Chris laugh at her if she confessed that she hadn’t kissed anyone? Sweat beaded her chest, and her body burnt as if a virus was rampaging inside her. The need to say the words returned, but this was more than asking for chocolate chips. She couldn’t tell him she’d never kissed anyone. Maybe she should say it and then ask him out. Then she’d get all the embarrassing stuff out in one go and then could hide forever. But he didn’t fancy her anyway, and it wasn’t like he’d asked for her number.
“Really? So it’s good then? Some girls at school said the first time is awful, but like others have said, it’s everything,” Lucie’s words were running away from her.
“My first time was awkward as hell. My ex was my first, and we had no idea what we were doing. But up until a couple of months ago, it was everything. God, I miss it,” he replied, stroking a hand down the back of his neck. Was he saying he’d only slept with his ex?
All the nerve endings in her body tingled at the way he talked. “Yeah?” she asked with a gravelly voice, unsure what else to say.
“Yeah. But people change and move on, and you know, there will be others. In the meantime, I’ve got my hand to help me along.” He laughed.
Lucie squeaked. Was he telling her he masturbated? No one ever talked to her about masturbation, not even the girls at school.
“You okay? You’ve gone really red.”
“I’m fine. I swallowed a fly again or something.” She took shaky breaths and gripped the handlebars so tightly that her knuckles turned white. With a push on her pedals, she edged away from him without warning.
Lucie slowly sped up. Her secret burnt her tongue and made her arms quake. Vomit rose in her throat, and tears brimmed her eyes as she imagined him laughing at her as he told his friends about the freak he met on holiday that wasn’t just a virgin but had never kissed a guy either. Why was it so difficult to speak this truth to him? He’d told her loads of personal stuff. But every time she considered sharing her lack of experience, she remembered the things her family said. The need to share her truth scraped itself into her skin anyway.
Stop being the boring person everyone believes you to be.
Suddenly she shouted behind her, “I’ve never had a proper kiss before.”
Chapter Eighteen
Had Lucie really just told the guy she fancied that she’d never had a first kiss? Surely he’d never speak to her again now? He’d had sex, and she hadn’t even kissed someone.
With one glance at his face, she knew he’d caught her words on the breeze. He made an “O” shape with his mouth before nodding and cycling to catch her up.
Admitting the truth made her belly fizz with excitement. Relief rushed through her veins, bringing adrenaline and other mystery things with it. The butterflies were alive again, and she briefly allowed herself to hope that her first kiss would be with Chris. Maybe it was the opportunity to dream or that she’d spoken her mind rather than keeping it locked up, but she suddenly felt reckless. She swallowed hard and let go of her handlebars and rode with her legs.
“Check you out! Daredevil Lucie over there!” Chris laughed deep and loud and removed his hands too. He held them out wide and closed his eyes. His chest expanded as he filled his lungs. Everything about him was gorgeous. Giggles bubbled at her throat.
“You’re going to hurt yourself,” she said between nervous smiles. She wasn’t brave enough to close her eyes like he had. She didn’t want to anyway, and with his eyes closed, she admired the way the sun made his skin glow and emphasised the dimples in his cheeks.
He laughed, and she realised he had one eye open. “Nah, I’ll be okay. Have you ever had the sun on your face and the scent of pine trees in your lungs as you cycle next to someone cute?”
Oh my god, he called me cute.
Her face flushed. But her inner voice kicked in before she could enjoy it. Cute was what you called your girlfriend’s little sister, not someone you wanted to kiss.
“Besides, I’m spreading my wings and changing the world. You should do it too,” Chris shouted to the skies.
Something in the excitement bouncing through his words made her want to feel what he was experiencing. Lucie pulled the elastic hair tie from her ponytail and let the breeze whip her hair in the air. Then she eased one eye closed, squinting with the other, and held out her arms. Her hair brushed her cheeks as it flapped around her face. She smiled at the idea that now she couldn’t nervously grab her ponytail.
“Your hair is so long,” he replied, one eye open, as if marvelling at her mousey brown locks.
She shrugged but refused to be cynical about her hair aloud. It was hard enough riding the bike with one eye open without having to ponder three positives too.
They grabbed their handlebars, and both peddled faster as if racing each other. Trees became blurs, and the only sound was the rush of the wind roaring in her ears. Their bikes grumbled against the roads, straining against the bumps and dips. Lucie was free from the demands of her teachers and parents, and for once, the adrenaline quietened her unconfident inner voice. Nothing mattered, and she powered through the quiet roads of the holiday village. Chris was ahead but occasionally looked back, maybe checking she was with him.
Suddenly up in front, Chris slammed on his brakes. He waved his hands high in the air to get her attention while shouting, “Lucie, stop.”
Lucie twisted her bike to the side and squeezed the brakes with a squeal. Gravel kicked up around her tyres. Together she and Chris took in the view as he pursed his lips and gave a long and loud whistle.
“Wow,” she whispered. The sight before them was beautiful, but her legs trembled too.
They’d paused at the top of a steep hill. The road continued down to a dip at the bottom. Trees lined the tarmac, and she swore the wind was whistling, “Go back.” She wobbled on her bike, unable to take in the prospect of the extreme decline. She’d gain momentum as she fell, and she’d roll until landing at the bottom, her body a mass of broken bones. There were signs to the side telling her it wasn’t suitable for bikes. If there were people at the bottom, would they have looked like dots? She wasn’t sitting at the top of a hill but the precipice of something significant.
“Do you dare?” Chris asked, staring at her. His green eyes sparkled, and she held her breath as she took him in. A shiver ran up her back, but she wasn’t sure if it was from his stare or the hill. “There’s no pressure. I’m sure we can ride down there safely, but I’m not going to make you do it. There’s a lot more of this forest for us to discover.”
