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My mind spirals through the questions, my heart rate picking up slightly, and I force myself to stop, to calm down. I’m not going to get giddy over the fact that he simply noticed I wasn’t here. Anybody could’ve; it’s not a big deal. And it’s not like Iwantedhim to notice; I’m not trying to play games with him.
Haven’t I made it so clear already that we can’t be anything more to each other?
Polite and civil, though. Like colleagues, and colleagues would have a casual conversation and say: ‘Yeah. It was kind of a last-minute decision. Some of my family are in Devon at the minute, so I went to seethem. My stepmum had to work so she couldn’t make it, but it was nice to see my dad and my brothers.’
‘Right – perks of being a teacher, having all the holidays off.’ I shouldn’t be so surprised that Lloyd remembers what my dad does. He smirks, looking more playful – more like himself, now. ‘And here we are, wasting ouractualsummers off school, stuck here.’
‘More fool us.’
There’s a beat, and it’s too long. Like my words have more meaning than I intended. Like I’m talking about something bigger than a summer spent at an internship instead of home with friends.
Maybe I am.
The pause seems to solidify, calcifying around us with a tension so thick it feels harder to breathe than it did a second ago. It’s a clear sign that Idoneed to go, before things get too weird.
I barely shift back a step when another voice suddenly says, ‘Not haranguing the poor interns are you, Lloyd? He’s not making a nuisance of himself is he, Anna?’ It’s Nadja – Senior Client PartnerandMonty and Verity’s intimidating boss. She’s standing just behind us with a large hardback notebook and laptop tucked against her chest. Her lipstick is deep mauve, her lips pulled into a teasing sort of look as she arches an eyebrow between us, the smirk taking the edge offher naturally stern gaze. I’d normally be glad of someone else thinking Lloyd is a nuisance, but it’s clear she’s joking, a fond affection under her admonition.
It’s only at her interruption that I become aware of the fact that the meeting going on in the nearby room, behind the blinds and the closed door, has just finished. People are spilling back out into the office, chattering among themselves. Nadja, I guess, was one of them.
I look back at her and deadpan, ‘He really is.’
Nadja laughs. I notice that Lloyd’s usual ‘office’ smile is back – mouth stretched wide and open, showing off straight rows of bright white teeth, oozing charm. He rolls his eyes as if in on the joke.
‘Says you, loitering around up here – it’s not even your part of the office.’
‘Saysboth of you, loitering in the middle of the room,’ Nadja snips back, but she gives a dry chuckle. Her eyes linger on me a moment. ‘Cute necklace.’
I touch it instinctively. It’s a gold one with pressed flowers Gina bought for me on the recent family holiday to Spain I missed out on. ‘Thanks.’
‘How’d it go?’ Lloyd asks her, nodding in the direction of the room behind me that’s just emptied out. He looks serious, suddenly, a sharp look of concentration he gets from time to time when I talk to him about updates on some of Arrowmile’s projects.I guess it wasn’t just some run-of-the-mill management meeting, then – andmusthave been important if he wasn’t allowed to sit in on it. I want to ask what it was about, but I don’t want to seem rude. I’m sure if it’sthatimportant, it’ll filter down as office gossip at some point.
‘Promising,’ is Nadja’s reply. ‘Looks like we’re moving on to the next stage, anyway.’ Then, turning to me, she explains, ‘We were approached by a company about a bit of a partnership. Did you know most safety tests are done with male specs?’
‘Um …’ I hesitate.
‘I’ll take that as a no. There’s a great study about it, I’ll send it to you. You’ll love it.’
Add to to-do list: read this study Nadja is going to send me, in case she questions me about it next time I run into her.
‘Typically, offices are set to temperatures more comfortable for men. Things are sized to the average male body. Male safety dummies are used in tests for things like vehicle safety. Outrageous, isn’t it, Anna? Well, we’ll be – hopefully, not official yet, of course – doing a limited run of electric cars specifically tailored to the averagefemalebody, using safety dummies based on the average female body instead. It’ll be part awareness-raising campaign –’
‘Part cash grab,’ Lloyd adds, sounding less than impressed. ‘It’s just some eccentric CEO who wants to be seen doing something, rather than because they actuallycare.’
Nadja pinches the bridge of her nose and lets out a long-suffering sigh. ‘Just some eccentric CEO. Honestly, Lloyd. She’s a TIME 100! She was onThis Morningwith Alison Hammond for International Women’s Day this year! Anna, don’t pay him any attention – this woman’s the real deal. Absolutely incredible. Real powerhouse. First female CEO at some furniture company, then she went on to some high-profile role with a media company and now she’s got her own consultancy business. She runs a collective of networks for young female entrepreneurs, too. She’d love to meet you, I bet! Oh, we should see if she’ll do a bit of a meet-and-greet with all you interns, actually. I’m sure she will. Remind me to set that up, Anna. Come on, let me introduce you.’
It’s all said so rapidly, with such force and excitement that I’m too overwhelmed to respond, and can’t get a word in edgeways anyway. She grasps me by the elbow and whisks me around, frog-marching me a few strides along to where Topher Fletcher is stood with his usual approachable smile, talking to a tall woman with red hair.
Even though her back is to us, the highlight reel Nadja just gave me sinks in and brings with it a curdling dread that tingles up my spine. My heart is in my throat and all I can do is stare at the back of this stranger, hoping against hope that when she turns around …
‘Sorry to interrupt! Kathryn, I just wanted to introduce you to one of our interns, thought it might be a good opportunity. This is –’
And the woman turns around, pleasant surprise quickly replacing the open shock on her face.
And Mum interrupts Nadja to say, ‘Annalise!’
The last time I saw Mum was on my sixteenth birthday, the summer before I started my A levels.
The further back I go, I have more memories with her, but they get a little fuzzier. I remember her taking a phone call during Sport’s Day when I was six and then disappearing, and someone else’s mum had to take me home. I remember her insisting to Dad that he just didn’t understand, and how tired he looked. I remember a Christmas when I was very small and she let me eat chocolate in bed early in the morning, with her and Dad squished either side of me andHome Aloneon the TV.
