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“What were you dreaming about?” I ask her, keeping my voice low.
“That night when Ezra went missing. I dream about itsometimes, but it’s…” she trails off for a moment. I resume stroking her back with my fingers, encouraging her to continue. “I’m a horrible person,” she says before sobbing into my shirt again.
“No, you’re not, Belle. You’re one of the best people I know. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel differently.”
“You don’t understand. In my dream, you’re the one who goes missing and Ezra is still here. Then I wake up, and I’m fucking relieved that’s not true. Relieved! What is wrong with me?” she asks, her wet eyes filled with utter devastation as she looks at me. That look alone is enough to shatter what’s left of my heart into tiny pieces.
“You already suffered Ezra’s loss. Your brain is trying to make you suffer another. There’s nothing wrong with waking up and realizing you’ve still only lost the one person,” I tell her, wiping the tears from her cheeks. I don’t know what else to tell her that will help her.
She snuggles into me and is quiet for so long; I think she’s fallen back asleep.
“I’m sorry about the article. I didn’t know being seen with you would cause that.”
“Shh. It’s ok. Get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow.” I’m gutted that she thinks my mother giving a bullshit interview is in any way her fault.
“Ok… Kai?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
I think she’s dozed off, but then I hear her whisper. “Always and forever?”
Her question causes all the muscles in my body tostiffen. I want to ignore her and hope she falls asleep before realizing I haven’t answered.
But that’s the asshole thing to do, and I’m trying to be better.
“Yeah, Belle. Always and forever.”
I try to sleep, but I’m up most of the night trying to analyze a dream that was probably just a trauma response. She dreams of the last day she was with Ezra. But instead it was me. If she didn’t wake up so upset, I think it would make more sense. She was not only upset; she was nearing hysterical with the number of tears she shed onto my shirt. She said she was relieved I was still alive.
In my darker moments, I’ve wondered if she ever wished it was me instead. If she wished the twin she loved the most was the one still with her. It would make sense if she did, and I wouldn’t even blame her for it. I loved him the most too.
My thoughts went around in circles for hours until the bus parked, and I knew it was almost time to start all the bullshit over again.
The morning show was luckily just an interview and not a performance as well. Our PR team made sure the producers were aware they weren’t allowed to ask about the article or mention Belle in relation to me. I could tell they were angry about it, but I didn’t give a shit. I won’t hurt her like that.
One producer tried approaching her, saying it was an opportunity to put rumors to rest, but Willa shot that down before I even got the chance. We all know better.
“I have to tell you guys, that interview was boring,” Belle says as we exit the stage.
“They only wanted to talk about you, but when we vetoed that, I think they asked bland questions on purpose,” Willa tells her.
“I’m sorry. I should have gone with you guys. If I’m in the band, I probably should.” Belle wrings her hands as she speaks. I’ve noticed she curls into herself and becomes nervous when we’re around a lot of strangers. She’s herself when it’s just our group.
“We’ll work up to that,” Cal assures her, patting her on the back.
“What’s the plan for the rest of the day?” Mav asks.
“I think I want to write,” Belle says. The look on her face says she surprised herself.
“Write? Like songs? Belle! Are you still writing? This could be big for us!” Cal exclaims. He practically runs over a pedestrian on our way out of the building.
“I mean, a little. I don’t think I’ve written anything to get excited about,” she says, a blush creeping up her neck. “I wrote in college, but that journal is at Brad’s.”
“We’re getting that and everything else you own the moment we get home from this tour!” Cal yells. Willa shushes him when she sees Belle’s face.
I grab her hand on instinct and give it a squeeze. She looked panicked when Cal mentioned going to Brad’s, and he was too excited to notice. She looks at me, eyes scared and face pale.
